BEING JAMIE BAKER

Chapter 20

 I didn't come home for two days. I didn't mean to cause my parents a world of worry, but I needed some space. I mean, I did just become an arsonist. That's a lot to wrap your head around for someone my age. Plus, all these events happening in my life lately had dredged up a past I'd spent the last year and a half trying to forget.

I had never really come to terms with what happened to Derek; I simply buried it. Telling Ryan the truth, actually saying it out loud, forced me to deal with the fact that I was responsible for taking a life. I hated to use the term murderer, but how else do you describe what I did?

After nearly two days of thinking about it, though, I finally found a little clarity and went home to face the music.

I've never seen my parents quite like they were. I don't exactly know how to describe it, but angry is not the right word. It doesn't seem like nearly enough. I let them yell and cry and hug and kiss me until they had it all out of their systems. Then, once they'd settled down, the only thing I could think to say was "I'm sorry."

"You could have told us about Derek," my mom whimpered.

"I couldn't. You loved him too. Everybody loved him! And I killed him!"

After that my mother and I were bawling in each other's arms again. My father stepped in quickly, though, not wanting to lose focus on the point of this discussion.

"Jamie," he said, pulling me away from my mother, "your mom and I think it's time you see somebody." He hesitated for a moment out of guilt, but then looked at me very sternly. "This is getting out of hand. You need help that your mom and I just can't give you."

"You want to send me away?" I gasped out of sheer horror. "You want to let people experiment on me?"

If I thought Ryan was tying my heart in knots, I was mistaken. I'd never felt pain like I did right then. I knew that my parents might be afraid after learning the truth about Derek, and I knew they would worry, but I never in a million years thought they would betray me.

"Of course not, Jamie! I meant counseling. A psychiatrist. Not a scientist. Honey, how could you think we would ever?"

"Because I'm a murderer? I killed someone! Aren't you scared of me?"

"You are not a murderer," my father argued.

After two straight days' thinking about it, I knew this was true. Ever since my accident, I'd not only blamed myself for Derek's death, but I'd always questioned whether or not I allowed it to happen. I was so mad at him that night. I hated him that night. Of course I didn't fry him on purpose, but could I have stopped myself?

I wasn't sure until the other night, but the answer is no. I couldn't have stopped what I did to Derek. I knew that now. See, I wanted to kill Carter when he told me he was going to expose me to the world, and I could have, so easily, but I didn't. Not because I didn't want to, or even thought it would be wrong, but because I couldn't. I didn't have it in me to kill him. And I wouldn't have had it in me to kill Derek either.

"I know," I said, forcing a sad smile to my mom and dad. "Derek's death really was an accident. I understand that now. I don't need a psychiatrist. Honest. I mean, what am I supposed to tell one anyway? That I'm messed up because I fried my boyfriend with my super-electric-girl powers?"

My parents both opened their mouths to argue, but neither could come up with anything.

"Mom? Dad? No doctor is going to be able to understand what I'm going through. The only people that can do that are you guys. Well, and Ryan now. But don't worry. With you here to help me, I'll be fine. I'm already starting to feel better."

"What do you mean 'and Ryan now'?"

I didn't understand why my dad was so angry all of a sudden until I saw my mother cringe.

"You didn't tell him?" I asked.

"Well, I..." My mother stumbled over her explanation because she knew she was busted. When she couldn't think up a good excuse she shrugged in defeat and snapped at my father in annoyance. "I knew you would overreact."

I love my mom. I love my dad too, but I really, really love my mom. She's always got my back. It would have been nice if she'd told me she'd covered for me before I went and told my father that Ryan knew about my powers, but I've still got to love her for the effort. And at least now we were busted together.

"Okay, Dad, look, don't freak out."

Yeah, my dad didn't take my advice. "How much does he know?" he roared.

I cringed. "Everything."

My dad wanted to yell at me, and he tried to, but when he was finally able to form words they were directed at my mother. "You knew about this?"

"Honey, it's really not that big a deal."

"Not a— But— It's— He—"

My dad could no longer form a complete sentence, and the vein in his forehead was back and popping out farther than ever.

"Dad! Could you calm down a little? I can hear your heart beating, and trust me, that can't be a healthy pace."

"Ryan's a good boy," Mom promised.

"He won't say anything," I added. "He wants me to be safe."

"And actually"—Mom wrapped her arm around my dad in an attempt to keep him from physically exploding—"it's probably better this way."

I was just as surprised as my dad by my mom's statement. I mean, I thought it was better that he knew, but I didn't understand why she thought it was better.

"It will be safer," my mom explained. "He knows he has to be careful."

"And he's helped me so much already! He's the one who said I had to learn to control my powers. He's been teaching me yoga and meditation so that I don't cause as many power outages."

"Yoga?" my mom asked surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah! It's great!" I said excitedly, getting sidetracked.