BEING JAMIE BAKER

Chapter 21

  I went home and my mother knew something was up the minute I walked in the door. She was so shocked to see me in such a happy mood that she suckered me into dishing the dirt over mani-pedis the way we used to before my accident.

It was the best day ever, and I didn't think anything could spoil it until Becky Eastman knocked on our door while my mom and I were making dinner. Since I knew Ryan had to work after practice, I let Mom get it. When I heard Becky ask my mom if I was home, I was so stunned that I accidentally knocked the potatoes off the counter. Of course I caught them before they hit the ground, but still, surprised

doesn't even begin to cover it. I wasn't the only one who was shocked either. My mom staggered back into the kitchen and seemed to have trouble getting the words out that someone was there to see me.

I figured that after today, with Ryan and I officially a couple in the public's eye, Becky had finally had enough and she'd come to kill me. I listened for the angry mob, but it was just her. My mother had invited her in, but Becky said she couldn't stay. When I found her she was still standing on the front porch, looking as if she were afraid my house would come to life and swallow her whole.

"Look," I said, not giving her a chance to say anything, "you hate me, and that's fine. I deserve to be hated. And I know I'm the worst person in the world for Ryan, okay? But you're wrong about me. I don't want him ruining his life over me any more than you do. You have no idea how many times I've tried to tell him to get lost. I even tried to tell him to go out with you instead. I've done everything I can, but he just won't listen, and I'm tired of fighting him, so just lay off me."

I think she was a little surprised by my speech, and she looked absolutely terrified to be confronting me, but after a minute she started to relax. "I know," she said, and shrugged matter-of-factly. "It's not your fault."

I was so shocked I could barely understand the words coming out of Becky's mouth. She cracked a smile and said, "When Ryan decides he wants something, he gets it. You never had a chance."

I still had no idea what to say or do. I didn't think to let her in or tell her to go away, I just sort of stood there until it got awkwardly quiet. Becky was the first to speak. "I'm sorry about the other day. I shouldn't have said all those things."

The apology was even more surprising still, and I wanted to say something nice in return, but I was speechless.

"Ryan's been my best friend for practically my whole life," Becky said when I didn't respond. "I was just worried about him, but I've never seen him as happy as he looked today." She paused for a minute and then said, "Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm glad he's finally found someone."

All I could do was force a bewildered smile. "Thanks."

"Yeah," she said, and then turned to leave.

"Hey, Becky? For the record, when Mike punched Ryan and got them both suspended, they weren't fighting about me. Ryan's really worried about you."

I was able to smile for real this time when she turned around, and I wasn't all that surprised when her eyes glossed over. She stood there for a minute wiping at her eyes, and then took a deep breath. "How did you know?" she asked. "About Mike, I mean. The other day you said you know what really happened."

"I know the signs." I sighed and sat down on the front steps. "I told you we have more in common than you think."

Becky's eyes got really big as my meaning sank in. It took her a minute to work up the courage, but eventually she smiled. "You want to go to the mall?" she asked. "I could really use a smoothie and some new shoes right about now."

I can't even tell you how excited I was by her offer. I mean, it had been a year and a half since I just went to the mall with my friends. It sounded like such a normal teen thing to do that I couldn't believe I was being included. I kid you not, I almost cried. My face lit up and I started to nod, but I could smell the aroma of my mom's stuffed chicken wafting from the kitchen and remembered it was Thursday. "Oh, you know, I'd really love to," I said, "but my parents and I already have plans tonight. How about tomorrow?"

Becky smiled but shrugged. "Friday. Game day."

"Right."

Becky and I were both startled when my mother came to the door. "Jamie, honey, don't be silly. You girls go have a good time. Thursday will be here next week too."

I should have known my mother was hovering within hearing distance. I also should have known she'd be quicker to blow off family night than me. She was as desperate as I was for me to have girlfriends, if not more, so I didn't argue with the woman. "Thanks, Mom."

She actually cried as she hugged and kissed me good-bye, and told us to have fun. It was a little embarrassing, but what can you do?

"Sorry about my mom," I said once Becky and I were browsing the mall, smoothies in hand. "She's a little excited to see me talking to people again. The first time Ryan talked to me outside of school, we saw him at the theater. All he did was say hi to me and she hugged him."

"How embarrassing."

"She can't help it." I sighed. "She's just been too worried about me for too long."

"So, you were really..." Becky stopped when she was unable to say the word and changed her sentence. "It happened to you too?"

"Not exactly," I admitted. "It was right after sophomore year ended. There was this festival, and my boyfriend suggested we—"

"Go someplace quiet?" Becky offered dryly, as if Mike had used those exact words.

I nodded. "So we could talk."

"Us girls are so gullible, aren't we?" Becky groaned. "What guy ever just wants to talk?"

I laughed but then sighed. "Yeah, well, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Derek and I had been together for about five months, and he had just graduated. He was going away to college in the fall, so I thought that's what we were going to talk about." I shrugged sheepishly and added, "We got lost in a cornfield for a while."

"At least that's kind of romantic." Becky frowned. "Mike just took me back to his house and got into his dad's liquor cabinet. I had a drink, but I was not drunk." Becky's voice turned harsh, and she started to cry again. "I told him to stop! I begged him. But he just kept telling me that it was okay and that I was so beautiful and to trust him."

Suddenly there were tears in my eyes too. "I'm sorry."

Becky shrugged, grateful for the sympathy even if it didn't make the pain go away. As she batted away her tears, I decided to share my gory details too. "Derek and I were making out, and when he started getting too aggressive I said I wasn't ready. He told me he loved me and that if I loved him too I'd do this for him. I felt bad so I started kissing him again. He was a lot more forceful the second time, and when he pushed me to the ground I got so scared."

"What happened?" Becky asked after I'd stopped talking. My mind had drifted back to that night.

"I tried to fight him off. I kneed him pretty hard, and he got so mad that he hit me. Gave me my first black eye. It surprised him as much as it did me. He tried to apologize, but I screamed at him that it was over and took off running."

"But at least people knew, right? I mean you were black-and-blue. At least he got in trouble, right? I think that's the worst part about it. Mike just got away with it. Even if I tell people what happened no one will believe me. It's Mike. Everyone loves Mike. Even Paige and Tamika just assumed he played me, and they were supposed to be my best friends. Ryan's the only person who would believe me, but I can't tell him. Mike's his best friend, and he'd probably kill him if he knew what he did."

"I know exactly how you feel."

Becky was surprised to hear this, and I tried to smile, but it didn't quite work. "No one ever knew what happened to me either. We got in a car wreck on the way home from the cornfield that night. Both Derek and the truck driver that hit us were killed, and everyone just assumed my bruises were from the accident."

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head as if to tell her not to worry about it and continued on with the story. "Derek was like a god in our town. Ryan and Mike put together. He was headed to the University of Chicago on a football scholarship."

I took a minute to get my emotions under control and then said, "I was the one behind the wheel. I was the only one who survived. There wasn't a person in town that didn't worship the ground Derek walked on, and everyone blamed me for his death. I walked around with that black eye for w