Although, These past 2 and a half years have been the most confusing times of my life, I still thank god for the experience.
Without us going through tramatic events, where would we get our trials and tribulations?
Sometimes we don't see things for what they are until It's to late . Or until it's toxic .
I woke up one day thinking to myself, maybe it's me . Maybe I'm the reason I keep ending up single . Maybe I want too much and my standards are waaaaay to high. Like I'm Telling myself, you might need to pipe down shawty because do you even meet your own expectations. So now I'm really beating myself up and confused then angry that I have to even question myself . Now at the moment , I was not where I wanted to be at all. I feel like I started to settle because what I wanted was the impossible . I didn't want to be alone what so ever. I even friended people who I knew were snakes just to avoid feeling alone . I was around the wrong people so much that it'll literally drained my energy. I was setting myself up for failure. I was in denial. I thought as long as I gave people good energy, They would love me and give me good energy as well . They'll see how laid back I am , how caring and the fact that I will go out of my way for someone I love or literally give them my last . I thought these were qualities that another human would want to be apart of their life . The more I gave the more they took. Not once did I receive anything , but that's not the issue . I love to give to see the happiness and love being spreaded . Not to receive anything back , left me feeling like it would be nice for someone to show me how much I meant to them . Manipulation is not included . Doing something for me just to get my attention , just to have sex with me or just simply because you want something bigger back in return. That is not love, that is a opportunist .
It took me so long to even feel this way because , all I ever wanted to do was give . I also wanted to be loved not used and walked on like a door mat . People say I'm Angry, cranky , moody , nonchalant , and anything else up under the sun but they never understood why . It was because I was in denial , I was draining my own energy because I allowed people to just take , take , take. If somebody asked to borrow money I would give it to them and tell them they don't have to pay me back. I'm not complaining either, because while I was blessing them . God has been blessing me . He has being watering me like a plant , growing me . Making me understand who's for me and who isn't . If I didn't have a spiritual god to look up to I see would feel lost . God is literally showing the way for me and I have nothing to be ashamed of because god made me imperfectly perfect . I'm perfect because I am not perfect .
I have emotions, so yes I hurt, and I cry when im feeling down . Sometimes people just get tired of the familiar sounds . The same things will happend to us more than twice just to see if we learned our lesson right .
I feel like I did , no more being in denial . Most importantly I'm not letting anyone take my kindness for weaknesss anymore ! If Somebody tries to walk over me I promise they'll get walked on.
I'm getting to old and I've already sacrifice enough of my peace to make others happy . I'm not in denial Anymore .
Everything is what it is , and what it will always be . This is including situations and humans . The people who have hurt me and lied to me won't get away with it anymore . I can see it from a mile away . So aht , get back is what I'm going to say . Anyone who has stolen from me , Whether it was my energy , materials , love or innocence . It won't happend again . I'm not in denial anymore and I'm okay with being alone . Being alone is actually being around people who are fake . Real is rare so I guarantee you most people surrounded around you are fake opportunist. Family won't get to me anymore , I love them for who they are and how they are . Any past relationships are dead to me and I'm not circling the block nomore !! You had your chance and you lost it stupid. Congratulations you fumbled me .
