*Beep! Beep! BEEP!*
my alarm clock blared in the room. I sluggishly turned it off. I looked up at the bottom of the upper bunk bed, trying to gain the energy to get up and get ready for school. and after a few minutes, I did and went to go change in the bathroom. I then presented to put on a black and red striped long sleeve shirt, a green zip-up hoodie, and black fingerless gloves. I then presented to look at himself in the mirror and presented to nit-pick himself. I started seeing a bunch of stuff he deem wrong about me, that in reality, is probably just fine. honestly, I was giving up, on life, all through slowly. I was blending in with everyone else in the world, and in my mind, if I was this "wrong" then what was the point? the only reason I don't just go and kick my bucket is honestly my family and I do truly want to get better, but I do not know how, so I'm just going to house all my doubts and insecurities for now.
I have always had them, but I got into a really bad habit of saying "I'm fine" whenever I was asked if I was mentally okay, which made it harder to reach out.
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as I eat breakfast, it feels numb, I feel numb. emotionless. the only bit of happiness, I feel, was listening to my family's achievements, and stories. I noticed how they all looked so happy, and for good reason too, my little sister, Anais was Gushing on, and on about her making a new friend, which was very hard for her, well my brother Darwin talked about how he and the synchronized swimming club, were getting ready to perform in a month, all though he was nervous, we reassured him, that it would alright, but then they all turned to me...
"What about you dude?" Darwin asked me, "Fuck... what do I tell... 'well, I didn't want to DIE first thing in the morning LOL'" I think to myself, "I-I umm, Go to class, and...do work?" I say, awkwardly, but then THOSE THOUGHTS pop up, of course, they do...
'Well duh! of course, you do that? Jesus christ Gumball, is that the best you could think of? what an idiot.'
I just ignore it, I'm used to it.
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as I walk onto the bus I put on a smile, I'm not sure whether or not is fake or not but I put it on. then I sit in my seat, as my thoughts go wild...
'don't get up to any mishaps today, we don't want to add to the bills now don't we?'
"shut up," I think
' you know, your 7-year-old sister has accomplished way more than you, and your like what 8?'
"14 and a half, actually..." I think
'Oh, sorry, you just look so young, and act even younger too..."
"What..."
'your short, but you set the library computers on fire more than once...' "....." I think nothing
'your a big-headed worthless failure, who would want you around? all you do is fuck up. all you are is a fuck up. if you killed yourself tomorrow, NO OE WOULD NOTICE OR CARE! they probably laugh, well spraypainting 'loser' on your grave stone
I start to tear up, but I wipe my tears away...
'no one would even plan or attend your funeral...'
the bus stops, the voice the thoughts get cut off
as I get off the bus, I'm talking to Darwin, a kid shoves me out of the way
"GET OUT OF MY WAY LOSER!" he yells, it Clare that it detected towards me, Darwin looks at me rather annoyed
''That was rude," he tells me
I've told myself worse...
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as the day goes on, my thoughts keep getting louder, and louder... I'm dealing with everything alone. I feel alone... was asked if I was okay, and Brushed it off. why do I do this... why? I know it isn't healthy, but I still do it? why? HOW DUMB AM I? I'm self-sabotaging! I then notice the bulletin board and get an idea, a way of saying I need help, without physically saying it. on it, there are some tacs in a little dish, so people can easily add notes, advertisements, and sign-up sheets. I look around me, I want no one to know who wrote this. I rip a piece of paper out of my notebook and think about what I wanted to write, something that would get my point across, that wasn't too edgy, and that also didn't seem like I was attention-seeking, because, I wasn't. I then thought of what I wanted to write: 'I feel REALLY alone right now...' I write it, trying to make it look the least like my handwriting, then I take a Tac, and put it on the board, then I quickly run off, before anyone could see me. but when class was over, it seemed like everyone was surrounded by the board, talking about my note, to be honest, I thought people were just gonna ignore it, as they do normally with the things on the board, but, I guess my attempt to let people know, How I feel worked, all though, anonymously. baby steps, I guess.
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the bus ride home was, more or less, like the one to school, except now people were gossiping about my note, they were saying how it was creepy, but some did that they either empathized or, felt bad, for 'whoever it is.' I didn't know how to feel. on one hand, I feel less alone, but on the other hand, I'm worried they know that it was me, I have no evidence, it's just dumb anxiety, being dumb anxiety. -------------------------------------------------- at dinner, Anais and Darwin were talking about the note, so I decided to play the 'oblivious to it all' card, and it surprisingly worked.
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts And Notes
Fanfiction(Originally posted on AO3) (TW! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! (DW, he never acts on them, but still) AND SELF HARM IS MENTIOND) we all get dark thoughts sometimes... Now 14 going on 15, Gumball cries out for help, but it's hard when you are stuck in the habit...
