Thoughts And Notes

Confession

After dinner, I lay on my bed, motionless. my thoughts are getting worse by the minute...like any minute now, I'm not gonna cave in, to the thoughts.

'you're worthless'

'you're ugly'

'die'

'die'

'DIE'

that one word repeated in my brain, along with all the reasons I deserve to die. I'm a burden, that causes nothing but trouble, that I'm wrong, and they're all true.
I started crying...this was normal.

it was around midnight, now, and Darwin was asleep in his fishbowl, it always boggled me how he could love me, how my family loved me. obligation? probably...after all, a parent who does not love their kid, would be unacceptable...but then there was Penny? how, and Why did she love me? I SET HER FUCKING HOUSE ON FIRE ONCE!? WHY IS SHE STILL WITH ME!? if I were her I would want to break up with myself EMINENTLY. now I'm not saying I WANT them to hate me, but I don't know why they don't...if I died...would they be happy, I'm not going to attempt to 'KYS', because, again, I KNOW PEOPLE LOVE ME, I just don't know why, but...at the same time...what if it's all just a game of pretending? it would make sense...

My crying became unknowingly loud, and without realizing it, I was crying 'kill me' loud enough that the sleeping Darwin woke up...

"Gumball, are you okay?" my brother asked sleepy, I flinch... "yeah...I'm-" I cut myself off, realizing that I was about to brush off my own feeling "actually...who am I kidding...I'm not fine..." My voice cracked towards the end, for the first time in what felt like years, I was saying how I feel.
do you wanna talk about it? he asked, I nod, as he gets out of his fishbowl to hug me.

"what's going on?" he asked "a lot, right now... it's just..." I paused, trying to gather up my thoughts together, still crying...

I continue "sometimes My head gets overwhelmed with thoughts...and... not particularly good ones...and sometimes it's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, and when I do, it's either to eat, go to the bathroom, or go to school... and then right afterward it's right back to my bed... and even then, I still don't feel at peace, because my thoughts just get in the way of that..." I ball, meanwhile Darwin is right next to me, hugging me, "what do your thoughts tell you?" he asked worriedly

"that, I'm dumb, that I'm unworthy of love and that you all hate me...that I'm ugly, that I'm a burden....that .... I deserve to...die...." I paused but then continued "that I'm a failure, and that I'm still that dumb-ass 12-year-old kid, that gets into trouble for no reason..." Darwin went to say something" you know that stuff isn't true-" I cut him off "I know that the majority of that isn't true, but it doesn't just go away... I wish it did, because sometimes..." I paused, Darwin just remained silent "It feels like death is my only escape...from the thoughts..."

"Please....don't...." I hear Darwin whimper, he's crying? "I'm not going to buddy...to be honest, this family is the only thing keeping me going some days...I know, it sounds cliche, but... it's true" I sniffle, and Darwin hugs me tighter.

He went to say something to me, but closed his mouth well looking down at the ground, as if he had an idea of what he wanted to say, but didn't know how to put it into words, I hug him. I feel bad, I mean I did need to rant, But, I just told My little, brother, that I wanted to die, it is clear that its taking a toll on him...

"I'm sorry... for putting this all on you." I say "it's okay...Just please don't kill yourself...a lot of people love you, I know you may not believe it sometimes, but it's true, and sure, you can be a bit... Mutch, but you really have changed from that 12-year-old from two years ago, and you have never been a failure, or a burden.

I hug him tighter and I slowly start to stop crying, not much was said after that. I'm not sure I wanna tell him about the bulletin board note, yet, I wanna keep that antonym for now, but who knows. I and Darwin go back to bed, and for once in my life, my head is empty, but in a good way, it was easy to drift off to sleep.