When Depression Takes Over

Chapter 8: 8th grade pt 3

--Authors Note-- 

Well this chapter is leading up to where I am right now. After this ill keep making chapters per week to say how it going with life  

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A week or so after this conversation, this girl Brandy told me everything Lauren said about me (Lauren's my old best friend). She said that nobody cares that you cut. Jake doesn't care. They all don't care. Everybody's just sorry for you. They just all pretend.

When I read that I pretty much started to cry. Worst part was I was out bowling with my family. I kept thinking of suicide. I wanted to die so bad. I just had enough with everything. When I got home I started crying more. I went into the shower and cut deeper than I ever have. It made me feel a lot of relief. I still wanted to die but not as much. Fter the shower I texted me friends "I almost left the world tonight, I am sick of the pain." That's when they all started freaking out. Still today I think about it, but I'm not going to do it.

The weekend passed, and school started. I stayed home sick. Later on in that day my mom started balling her eyes out. Yeah my friend Baylee along with Brooklyn told the councilor. I just lied like crazy to my mom. It's gotten easier and easier to lie. I was so pissed that they told. Quincy and Jake were against it. They still said I needed help though. I didn't think I needed help. I quit cutting for a week, and started to eat. I was so mad that I was eating but I had to so nobody was suspicious. My mom watches me eat, and she always asks are you okay? and all these questions. I don't ever feel like a person anymore.

Well the day came I talked to the councilor. I told her my Lauren problems. Also told her I cut in November. So she didn't tell my mom. I told her that I ate a regular amount of food and she believed me. Yeah, I'm a amazing lier.

After that I forgave Baylee and Brooklyn. I figured they did the right thing, even though I lied the whole time. Oh well the less she knows the better.

Ever since then I have still been eating a regular amount of food. I weighed myself one night. 115... I started to cry. Well I know what this is leading up to. I went up stairs to the shower. With all of these things running through my head. I cut again.

I was still eating regularly though. Why??? I was do pissed at myself. If I didn't eat I'd eat a shit ton later. But I always stayed at 115.

Out of all my friends, Jake has been there for me the most leading up to now. Every few days I'll just explode on him of how I feel about myself. He always makes me feel better. That's what friends are for right?

It's now February. I still cut, and try not to eat. The only friend that knows about me cutting is Jake. Well, after this Baylee Brooklyn and Quincy will know. Oh well I guess. I'm mostly not anorexic any more, but I miss Ana. I can't be skinny with out her.

Nothing really happened those two weeks. Now it's the 3d week of February. Over the weekend well on Saturday my friend Abbeys sister had a baby named Kayden! Just thought I should announce that. Well that week went on, I still cut.. Sometimes and I'm finding my way back to Ana.

Something happened though on the 21st. I started to burn myself. First it started with eraser burns in school. Baylee saw and I told her i dont know what happened.

Later on that night my parents left the house, it was me and my little sister Caitlin. I was texting Jake, he told me that Ice and salt make blisters if its on to long of course being as stupid as I am I didn't believe him. He told me not to do it, but I was just curious so I did it. It didn't sting that bad at first. The longer it was on it started to sting. Then I pressed it down. It hurt but felt good. After the ice cube melted I noticed I had a blister. Shit, he was right. Being ever better it make a scar the same size as the blister. Great I'm gonna have a huge scar on my wrist. So now im a cutter and a burner.

I weighed myself that night. I gained .7 pounds. So I now weigh 15.5. It was time I took a shower. I looked in the mirror and realized how fat I was... Then I started to cut again. My razor was new so it bled a lot.

Still today, i know nobody would date me. Guys dont want to deal with self harmers, and a lot of people think we are all emo freaks. Maybe in the future i will find somebody who cares enough, and respects me for me even through all of the bad things i have done. My storys actualy just beginning.

---Authors Note--- 

Well, that's my story up till now!! There will be updates every week. Next chapter though, is going to be about my best friend well more like sister Lexi. The next chapter might possibly come out later today. Also I'm making a new book! It's called Hanging by a Thread. Hopefully it's good. Do once I put it on here read it!

Love u all!

-Bailey