When Depression Takes Over

Chapter 14: Back on Recovery

I have not cut/burnt myself in 11 days. Relapse was horrible.

The reason I quit is that in the summer, my thighs will be showing a lot. People will look at my like I'm a freak.

Hopefully all of my scars fade. They are all over my right thigh and some on my left. Why did I make the first cut? I could have just talked to someone but I chose not to. Bow I fully regret cutting.

It is the best, but worst pain ever. The feeling it gives of is just.. indescribable. Which is how you get addicted to doing it.

My depression was good, until Friday.

I was beginning to be a lot. happier and you could actually see hope in my eyes. But Friday, it hit me.

We had out Confirmation retreat that day. Everybody sat down on the gym floor as some juniors or seniors read their story. I was thinking things couldn't get that serious. Like nobody's going to have a cutting/ suicide story right? Well I was really wrong.

A girl, Kasey shared her story. I was holding in the tears. I made myself not cry, but when Quincy grabbed my hand I just lost it and started balling. Of course I got looked at by a lot of people but I didn't give a shit.

That story reminded me of when I attempted suicide. I took pills, and tried to cut really deep but it didn't work, and I am so glad it didn't.

It also reminded me of my suicide letter which I wrote during the first week of January.

'Hey mom and Dad, If you are reading this. I am gone. I love you guys so much and tell Cole and Caitlin I love them too. I haven't been a good daughter lately and I'm so sorry. I have been hurting for so long, I just couldn't take it anymore. Always remember this is not your faults and I love you guys so much.

-Bailey"

That was my letter, well it's like my letter, it is a little different though. Now through everything, I no longer have suicidal thoughts.

Well, i was listening to depressing music, and looking over posts on Twitter and Instagram realizing how much of a failure i am. I just started to cry. I was thinking that i should cut, but i realized that does nothing, it just causes more depression. I would still be cutting if Jesse didn't tell me that.

I stopped eating again, but I slowly am starting to get to eat normal. I like food, but my mind tells me different. Food only is good for the minute you eat it, but skinny feels good forever. I just couldn't eat. I'm just not hungry anymore. I hate my body and everything else but I'm trying to love myself. Then i look in the mirror and see myself, I just loose it them. I'm only pretty with makeup on I think, if i don't wear makeup in really insecure. Things will get better in time, just need to go step by step.

I know this may bite me in the ass but here is my secret twitter account: litttlesecret00

The Instagram one, you need to ask me for.

Song 1:(Favorite song) That Power- Will.I.Am ft Justin Bieber

"And oh, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

And oh, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly

And oh, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

And I'm loving every second minute hour bigger better stonger power"

Song 2:(Song that relates to me) Calm Under The Waves- Maria Mena

"There's a breeze in the air

There's a boat anchored out here

There's a calm under the waves as I choose to sink

With your voice in my head

I would float here instead

But there's a calm under the waves

So i choose to sink"