When Depression Takes Over

Chapter 15: Second Relapse

I was at 31 days of being clean. It wasn't even a good reason to cut! Which makes me pretty mad.

Well ever since the last chapters things have been really well! I have been less depressed and a lot happier.

Saturday the 20th I felt like shit. I forget the reason why. I was balling for no reason I thought but there was a reason, there's always a reason for everything that happens in life.

Ok so yes life has been pretty well I can say. But more people are finding out about my secret accounts so I just gave up on that and decided not to care what they say.

So on Sunday the 21st was when most of the shit happened. The morning was pretty bad.. I was getting yelled at for no reason. I thought I was going to start balling but I didn't. My parents seriously don't know how broken I am and how even the littlest things effect me. They still think I'm their strong girl.. Haha not anymore.

When I got home from church my friend Abbey texted me and told me she gave. Hot dude with nice abbs my kik. So I started talking to him and less than 30 minutes later he asked me out. Ok, yes he has a pretty sexy body but I didn't know him so I said no for some reasons I'm not going to say.

He is a pretty amazing guy. He knows I cut and everything else and he still likes me. Plus he has a past with suicide. Well we started of by 30 question but it got pretty intimate..

He wanted a picture of me so I sent him one but I didn't realize my boobs were hanging out. So he told me they were and was like you have nice tits. Yeah.. Then I wanted to fuck with his mind because you know I love doing that, just to let them know they can see but can't have. Yeah I'm a tease and I'm proud of it! So I sent him a picture and you could obviously see more than your suppose to. I still had clothing on though!

So I'm going to cut this short of detail but he was horny as fuck. But I take pride in that stuff. I like how I can have that affect on somebody. Yes I'm pretty weird.

So before the pic I cut.. Right above my boob exactly to remind me I am a whore still. But it wasn't that bad of a picture just the fact that, we'll I don't even know. I was just lost. Now I have to cuts above my boob.

Of course in the picture he saw and asked what it was so I told him. He might be one of the sweetest guys ever. And he's only 15 so it's not that bad. I don't get why it is when a guy is 16 though like its only a year apart!

There's also many other things that have happened to me since Sunday.. I just don't want to mention it because my friends read this story. So sorry guys!:) if they didn't read it I would maybe put it. I would have to think about it.

Okay, it's been a week since that. Now it is Monday the 29th. And may I say I am the happiest girl ever, well the happiest I've ever been. Ill explain why I am so happy after I explain why I cut last night and I cut pretty bad..

Ok so my boyfriend (yeah(:) texted me, we'll I thought it was him. I received a message that said:

Your a bitch go fuck yourself you shouldn't be alive.

Yeah that was harsh.. Exotically when I thought it was him. He knows about my suicidal past and I don't know why the hell he said that so I just answered with the truth..

Me: like I didn't already know that

Lets just say the suicidal thought came back.. The funny part was he said that right after I got my blades out of my razor. So that was pretty stupid to say. So I grabbed the razor blades not giving a shit any more and I cut again.. It was bleeding like bad bleeding..

I was thinking maybe he's right? Then I received a message that said it wasn't him, that it was his brother sister or cousin. Okay, who the hell would text a girl that first of all.. People take suicide seriously!! Anyways.. Yeah.. I wanted to die but then I didn't. So what did I do? Depression corner.. Balling for an hour. Lets just say very bad day for mascara.

Well since I said that story. I will start from the beginning. Well since he got his phone back. He's treated me like no other guy has, like my flaws are beautiful to him. Yeah I'm cheesy.. Sometimes. Well ill skip to Yesterday because I don't want to bore you to death. So we started dating yesterday. Before the whole bitch go kill yourself thing we did. Then I take it we broke up but didn't seem like it because we still talked all day long on the phone.

Then I was listening to the song wanted by Hunter Hayes. I told him I wanted to feel wanted at sometime in my life. Then he asked me out once again. Yeah, it was a dramatic night. But yeah.. I know saying yes was the right thing.

The coincidence was when the part "I wanna make you feel wanted" played is when he asked. I don't know but that just made me happy I guess.

I plan on not to cut anymore, for the summer. Because this girl wants to have a good summer! I don't want to be sad and hide all if my cuts. But.. That's what I have to do. And I will loose a lot of weight going into summer and through out the rest of summer. I just want to be perfectly skinny. I have to be. I will still eat, but I will only eat 500-700 calories a day. So yeah.. I may fall back into Ana? I don't know at this point.