When Depression Takes Over

Chapter 7: 8th grade pt. 2

We just got home from Virginia. Thank god we were home, I hate being with my cousin. That means I have to go to school again though, the names have been layers out for awhile because Jake knew how bad it hurt me.

I still saw myself in a negative way. It mostly started when I was weighing myself with my friend. I always thought me and her were both skinny. Accept she had a thigh gap and I didn't but I didn't think it was a big deal. Well I decided to go first, I weighed 120. Well it's healthy right? I thought to myself. Then Abbey weighed herself... She weighed 1 fucking 07... 107 pounds! are you kidding! I tried to shake it off. When she left my house I ran up to my room and cried. How can I weigh 13 more pounds than her? We were both the same height. She also thinks she's fat, well I guess I'm a whale, a worthless ugly whale. That's when I decided to take a shower, I grabbed my scissors and left my room.

Before the shower I looked at myself in the mirror. "Look how fat you are! You will never be as skinny as her. Your 120, she's 107. Just see how ugly you are too! That just adds up on how worthless you are. Nobody will love you. Ever." I would stand there and say that to myself, it's all true. I got in the shower picked up my lovely scissors and cut my thigh, it is really easy to do now, like its nothing. I cried the whole time in the shower. I got out feeling numb and emotionless, not caring about anything I loved it. That's when I got the app MyFitnessPal.

I decided to start with a healthy diet, 1200 calories. I never ate to that amount though I always ate under 1000. Scared if I went higher I'd gain weight. Soon it dropped down to eating 800. Eat less the skinnier you are I would tell myself. 700, 600, then 500. I can do better cant I? I'm not even hungry anymore. 400 calories now, it's been 2 weeks I have lost 5 pounds, 115 now. I can do way better, I'm still fat as fuck. I never ate more than 500, I was scared of eating food. That's when I realized I was going anorexic. Great I'm just more fucked up than I thought.

It was a week before Christmas, I didn't eat a lot. By now my friends Abbey, Baylee, Brooklyn, Jake, and Alex know. Yes I became friends with Jake. I kind of said my eating secret by the lockers one day then I don't know how Alex found out.

By now I couldn't stand eating. I seriously hated it. When we had cheer I only ate up to 200 calories, still 200 is high. I didn't realize how much weight I have been losing, I reached 111, not that much later I got to 109. That was exactly before Christmas I was so happy! but I knew I had to eat for Christmas.

I forgot to say, ever since I first started to cut Justin has known, he would help me every night. Around the middle of December I told him I was Anorexic. He made me eat, he was the only one who had a big affect on me. He made feel beautiful and important. I never felt that way.

( A/N - btw Austin will not be mentioned in the rest of the book! By now I can't stand him, and stopped talking to him and everything like that)

So back to the story. It was Christmas Eve. I ate like a pig! I was so disappoint in myself. I decided not to eat a lot Christmas Day. Well that didn't work I ate more than I did Christmas Eve! The day after Christmas Day I decided to weigh myself. Here goes nothing. From 109 to 114! God why did I eat to much?! That night I cut. I have been clean for a week so my relatives wouldn't see the cuts.

The rest of the week I ate close to nothing, I worked out and only ate dinner. Friday came, my friend Abbey came over since I haven't seen her for awhile. We decided to weigh ourselves again. I went first desperate for the results. 106!!! I WEIGH FUCKING 106!!!! It was her turn to go, right now I was happier than ever. Then Abbey went she weighed 106 too I was so proud! I still wanted to loose more though.

It's now Saturday the 27th. We had a game I wasn't going to eat but that changed. I ate one thing then scarfed down a whole bunch of food. Why Why Why!!!! I couldn't stop. Thankfully the game ended. When I got home I was to scared to weigh myself.

New Years Eve, which meant more food. Kill me now. I ate and ate. Until I forced myself to stop. I was so disappointed in myself. I finally got somewhat of a thigh gap and this happens!!! Fat ass!!!!

January 1st I weighed myself. 115. I balled my eyes out. I than ran to my bathroom and turned on one of my favorite songs. In the Arms of the Angels. I started cutting. I cut fat into my stomach. Then some more on my thighs. Nobody will ever love a girl who cuts her self or hates her body. That hates every thing about her. Helpless. Alone. Forever.

I woke up, not eating anything. I don't want to eat I hate food. I now don't eat at Mc Donald's anymore. I only eat fruits and vegetables. Also coffee and water. I couldn't stand water or coffee until this Ana thing started. Now I love water and coffee.

Every night I'd go to my secret Instagram account and look at all of these skinny thinspo's. I'm so fat and ugly. That's when I added Ana in my bio. Nobody knows what my account is at my school thank god. Only one girl knows, well too. Abbey and Lauren.

Abbey kept it a secret, but Lauren let some people take her iPhone and they found me. Later that night one of the girls followed me SHIT!!!! I'm screwed.

It's in the second week of January. I have been talking to my friends on a group message. Jake, Brooklyn, Quincy, Baylee, and me. Baylee has fell asleep by now. Everything was so happy until someone mentioned suicide. That's when we all started to admit things. I felt so bad for Jake. For having 3 girls talking about this. Then I bring up the anorexia. They all said I was skinny, but I know I'm not. Then back to the suicide and cutting. That I can say was the most emotional conversation I have had in my life.

Ever since then they have been there for me the most. Jake has actually stopped me from cutting a few times. I still hate myself though. why?