When Depression Takes Over

Chapter 13: Life is a Mess

Well, for the past month I have had bad depression. I can't stand anybody anymore. The only few people are the people that I seriously tell everything to. That being Abbey Lexi and Jesse. Also Justin's (code name i haven't mentioned him for awhile) in there.. Yea I talked to him again I've missed him a lot.

My depressions taken me over the edge. I can't smile anymore. It is all fake, everything is. The only person I smile real around is Jesse he makes me happy, he knows about my depression and everything else. What happened to everyone else?

Well I probably pushed them away. I think I did I try to act like the old me around them but I've lost her a long time ago.

The last time I cut was on Wednesday or Thursday. I weighed myself. 122, the most I've ever weighed. All the hard work gone... I started not eating as much as I should but I need to love myself.

In the cabinet I found this blade. It's pink and it slides out. It's pretty damn sharp.bI was curious so I tried to cut.. it worked and it felt good. So I did it with that when I weighed 122..

I've gotten more obsessed with screamo.. it is all I listen to now, also some other depressing songs. Mostly everything I listen to us Hollywood Undead. I love them! If you are against that well I don't care.

I wonder if everyone else can see my depression? They all ignore it probably..

Ok so I'm going to add a random thing I found.

"Im fine"

F- fucked up

I- insecure

N- numb

E- empty

So when I say in fine I mean that. Also hen I say I'm okay it's never okay..

I have been having family problems lately. On Sunday we were all in the car. My dad started saying shit.. Like how I never listen and how I always stay in my room and I'm anti social. Well if your were depressed, hated yourself, and insecure about your whole body wouldn't you do the same? Parents never understand..

I swear he was going to hit me.. See, when my dad gets mad.. he gets really pissed off... He has hit my brother a few times but it was for discipline.. Sometimes he'd hit him for the stupidest reasons i think. But it is their job right?

My mom, she's a whole other story. She constantly yells. That's another reason why in anti social.. She also makes me feel like shit.

When my friends told the councilor about me, she called my mom and she cared. She was worried about me for a week but that soon passed. Now it's like none of that.

Well, correction my whole family makes me feel like shit. My mom calls me fat but in a nicer way. My brother says I'm fat everyday. He says im useless and a lazy arse. The worst thing is that he's correct.

So that it with my family issues. I don't think I will share much more.. but if you want to know how I am doing message me on here and I will give you my secret instagram name. Yes I have a secret account. Im only giving my name to certain people. and NO I'm not a fucken attention whore.. Just to get that out. Hopefully life gets better. I think it will right?

And let's just say.. I'm back to 0 days clean.. I'll keep trying though. I just need to find myself. Im fading away.. slowly..

Ok so after every chapter I'm going to put my favorite song and the song that relates most to me.

Song 1: 'Bottle and a Gun' By Hollywood Undead.

"I can show you how to hump without maken love the way you look at me I can tell that your a freak. I'll be laying in the sun bottle and a gun the way you look at me I can tell that your a freak"

Song 2: 'Fix a Heart' by Demi Lovato

"Like you're pouring salt in my cuts

And I just ran out of band-aids

I don't even know where to start

'Cause you can't bandage the damage,

You never really can fix a heart"

Also to all you cutters out there there's a better thing you can do than cut! You can snap your wrist with a rubber band, also you can hurt yourself in a different way and mark the area you were going to cut with a red line. I did this for a little and I ended up with let's just say a lot of lines.. Well thank you all for reading I love you all!!!

-Bailey