His smile/ vegaspete

Chapter 17 TW Sucide attempt

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Vegas
PAST (3 years ago, 1 week before the breakup)
Things are going really well, me and Pete are getting used to our new home and couldn't be happier. I wake up from the smell of breakfast and smile, "hey are you awake" Pete calls from the door, "hm" I answer back and open my eyes to look at him, he's smiling, and my day became even better seeing that. "Get up let's go eat breakfast, I'll be waiting in the kitchen" I nod and he smiles and leaves. I take a quick shower and dress in simple clothes because it's the weekend and I don't have to go to work, I work with dad so he could leave me alone and not find out about Pete because I don't want him involved with my dad, I go downstairs and give Pete a hug "I missed you" I say and he laughs while shaking his head "we were sleeping Vegas how did you miss me" he chuckles and I smile "I miss you every minute of the day Pete" he blushes and I love that I still have that effect on him, "ok let's eat" he says and I nod but my phone rings, I look at who's calling and my face drops when I see that dad is calling "I have to take this call I'll be right back" I tell Pete and he nods while smiling and I feel a little less nervous, I go upstairs and answer the call "What's up dad?" I say and hear him scoff through the phone "you thought I wouldn't find out about your whore Vegas?" My face drops immediately and my heart races "don't go near Pete dad" I clench my fists in anger, he laughs "so his parents left him? One is in jail for hurting your whore and the other ran away, so who would really care if he were to be killed Vegas?" Tears begin to drop from my eyes "please dad, please I'm begging you leave Pete alone" I beg him and he laughs again which makes me want to scream in anger but I control myself "oh you're begging now? Do you want Pete to be killed Vegas" my hands begin to shake in fear "No dad no please don't" my voice shakes "ok than I'll let that whore live on one condition" and I nod my head immediately "I'll do anything you want" I say quickly "break up with him" My heart drops and I tighten my phone so it doesn't fall from my hand "dad... don't please" I beg for him to change his mind even though I know how he is "Do you want him to die Vegas? Are you that selfish" he laughs "Dad please, Dad, Dad" He hangs up on me, and I fall on the flower while crying because it hurts, it fucking hurts knowing I have to let Pete go for his own sake and knowing that he'll hate me forever after I do this, I have to make him hate me even if that makes me want to die, it'll be easier for him if he hates me so I have to make him hate me no matter what, I go to the bathroom to wash my face and fight back the tears that want to fall, "Vegas? Are you done with the phone call" I hear Pete yell from downstairs, and clear my throat so it could come out clearly "yea I'll be right down" I yell back and go downstairs but I don't make eye contact with him because I know I'll break down if I see him, I quickly eat some bacon and egg and decide to make an excuse for going out because I really can't do this right now, and maybe in the future this will make him hate me even more so that's good I want him to get over me and be happy because when he's with me he's in danger, "Pete I have something to take care" I look at him and look away quickly, he sees and I see sadness in his eyes but he covers it by smiling quickly "ok I'll see you later" I nod and grab my keys, getting to my car I let the tears fall, I put my head on the steering wheel while sobbing, I hate myself, I hate my dad, I hate everything, but Pete, I love him, I love him so much that for a second I wanted to be selfish and not break up with him, but I wouldn't live with myself if I knew he was in danger and acted like nothing was happening, I have to break up with him while pretending like our memories didn't mean anything to me while in reality I felt at my happiest with him and I don't think I'll ever love someone else, I'll always love him even after breaking up and making him hate me, I'll never love someone else more than Pete. For the past five days I rarely talk to Pete even though every fucking second I want to hug him and cry in his arms, I keep telling myself that I have to make him hate me, every single fucking day my heart hurts even more, dad gave me a week to break up with him meaning I have to break up with him tomorrow, every night when he's asleep I kiss him on the forehead because I can't even do that when he's awake, it'll hurt both of us even more, I flip over and see how's he's peacefully sleeping, tears fall down from my eyes, "I love you Pete" I whisper and kiss his forehead, I cry, not being able to sleep because of crying all night, my crying just wouldn't stop knowing that this after tomorrow I'll never see him again, the sun comes out and I go to the bathroom take a quick shower and decide to make pancakes for Pete because he loves them, I get them on a plate with a glass of milk besides it, I know this will confuse him after I lie to him but I just want to this last thing for him before hating myself forever, I write on a sticky notes with a shaky hands and tears in my eyes, I put the sticky note on the fridge and grab my keys. All day I look at the clock, I don't want afternoon to come, I just want time to stop so I wouldn't have to do this. But unfortunately the time comes and I make my way over the cafe I told him to meet me at. I see Pete drinking his milkshake and he smiles at me when he sees me, I try to not smile back even though I'm fighting the urge to go hug him as tight as I can, his smile fades and I feel my heart break at the sight, I hate myself, I think to myself, I look at him frowning so I don't cry, "Are you ok? What happened" he says in a soft voice, And I really want to tell him, but stop myself "I'm ok" I simply respond and he frowns, it's working, he's starting to hate me. I deserve that, "so what did you want to tell me?" My heart beats fast I'm so nervous that I want to sob as loud as I can right now, I push my feelings away, trying to burying my feelings away so I could make him hate me, "I'm done pretending Pete" I change my voice a little this isn't me right now, I love Pete, I love him so much that I should let him go. "What do you mean?" His face makes me want to kill myself, I'm hurting him, please hate me Pete, "I mean I'm done with pretending I like you Pete, I don't, I just played with your feelings because i was bored and it was fun at first but now I'm bored so I'm done, I don't want to see your face anymore it's getting really boring." I was digging my fingers in my wrist so hard that I could see blue outlines of my nails, Pete cries, his tears keep dropping he stares at me, I'm sorry Pete, I'm sorry I'm sorry. I repeatedly say in my head but try to not show any emotion while staring back at him, "No Vegas... please stop... please don't make jokes like that" I feel my tears wanting to fall but I clinch my teeth hard to push the feeling away, I laugh, not wanting to hear my voice anymore I hate everything about myself in this moment I just want Pete to hit me and leave I don't want him to cry, so I decide to say something that I know he'll hate me for just so he could forget my faster "you're so pity full Pete" I don't even recognize my voice anymore. I hate myself I fucking hate this world, you deserve better Pete, I'm sorry I'm really sorry. I just want to tell him I'm sorry over and over again but I can't do that. "FUCK YOU VEGAS FUCK YOU" good he hates me now, he punches me in the chest and I let him, trying not to show how much sadness and regret I feel at this moment. "FUCK YOU!" he says again and I clench my fists not wanting to cry, "you're a piece of fucking shit, you think playing with peoples feelings is cool huh? I hope you die in hell, don't ever show me your fucking face ever again. You're dead to me you fucker." I become numb not moving just wanting all of this to be a dream, but no it's the fucking reality, I can't live with myself after this. He runs out of the restaurant and my tears begin the fall, I smash the cups on the table and everyone looks at me weirdly but I don't fucking care, I want to die, I don't deserve to live anymore, I rush out of the cafe and go to my car. I arrive at the house that used to be our home smashing everything on the floor. Glass goes in my hands and feet and I feel them bleeding but I don't care I'm gonna end it all. I take the pills that I find in the cabinet, my vision becomes blurry and I don't feel anything anymore.

PRESENT 3 years later
Vegas
"Phi what are you thinking about" Macau asks me and I get out of my thoughts. Pete, I'm thinking about Pete. Every second of the day he's the only one that's on my mind, I promised myself that I'll never smile at anyone ever again, I don't deserve to. I wish they'd just let me die in peace but Macau needs me. "Phi? Are you thinking about him" I look at him knowing exactly who he's talking about "Macau I hurt him so much" I cry and Macau just hugs me, me crying is becoming normal since that's all I do. "Don't you want to no how he's doing?" I shake my head "no he said he doesn't want to see my face ever again" Macau looks at me sadly, and I lay back down, "phi please eat something" I shake my head not wanting to eat anything, everyday Macau has to come in my room and make sure I eat because I forget to, I don't even feel hungry all I feel is pain. "Do you want to go outside today? Let's go do something fun, after your therapy session" Macau smiles at me. I've been taking therapy everyday for three years but it doesn't really help, I still don't feel anything just numbness. I really don't want to go outside but he looks like he wants to hang out with me so I agree "ok sure" he smiles wildly because I haven't been outside for so long.  Macau makes sure I eat and I take a quick shower so I could go to my therapy session. I get there and my therapist Ming smiles at me. "Hi Vegas how are you doing today"
She asks me the same question and I answer what I usually answer "I don't know" I say and shrug she now knows that when I say I don't know it means I'm missing Pete. I see her everyday and every time she asked me that I'd always answer I don't know, so she once asked me 'Vegas why do you say I don't know?' To which I replied 'I don't know meaning I miss Pete' she than gave me an understanding smile so I answer with that whenever she asks that. "Did you eat?" She asks me as I sit on the green couch that always reminds me of Pete,  because we had one like that at our house and it was his favourite. "Yea before I came here" she nods "Vegas do you ever think about seeing Pete again?" I look at her thinking about what she just asked, of course I want to see him again, I would do anything to see him again but I don't deserve to see him "the last thing he said to me was 'you're dead to me' and told me to never show my face again, Ming, I don't deserve to see him" she thinks about my answer "but don't you think you should at least tell him the truth, he thinks you played with his feelings but it's been three years and you still love him more than anyone" I shrug "I don't know Ming, everything hurts so much, I don't know if I could do this anymore" she smiles sadly at me "Vegas, you're one of the strongest person that I know, you've been through so much, but still manage to wake up every morning because you don't want to leave your loved ones, I believe in you Vegas" I find a little comfort in her words, Ming has been really helpful for all these three years, the day I attempted Pete and Macau came to my head so I decided to call for help, I went to the hospital and didn't attempt again even though I thought about it every morning, Macau told me to see Ming and every time I thought about it she would help me look through how I should stay and that truly helped me.  she's one of the reasons im still here so im grateful for her. We talk about how im feelings and our session is over. "I'll see you tomorrow Vegas, have fun with Macau" she smiles "Thank you Ming" I get my keys from the table and leave to pick Macau up from school, "Hi phi! how was your session?" He smiles while getting in the car "it was good" he nods "so where do you want to go?" I ask Macau "let's go to the mall I need to buy some clothes" I nod "ok" we get to the mall and Macau runs straight to H&M so I follow him. We end up going to god knows how many clothing stores "Macau that's enough I'm tired" I say and he nods "ok phi let's go eat than we'll go home" we go to get food and Macau says he wants rice and curry, it instantly makes me think of Pete because that was his favourite. Me and Macau get in the line to get food, we both get what we want and walk to go sit at a table "phi..."Macau calls and I turn to look at him when I see where he's looking. Pete. My breathing fastens and I feel tears fall down my face, the tray of food in my hand falls out of my hands, "Phi! Are you ok? Phi!" Macau yells as I have trouble breathing, that was Pete, Pete doesn't want to see me, I want to run out of here but I can't think straight right now "Pete... Pete..." I whisper while sobbing. Macau gets up and runs up to Pete, no no please no, I don't want him to see me, he doesn't want to.