death by a thousand cuts (lenrisa)

she is half of my soul

Content: death, loss, grief, pure angst

"He is half of my soul, as the poets say. He will be dead soon, and his honor is all that will remain."

—Excerpt From
The Song of Achilles
Miller, Madeline

#NowPlaying: in case you don't live forever by ben platt

I have been spending my weekends at the Philippine General Hospital's pediatric ward as a volunteer for kids with terminal illnesses.

It has been twenty-five years since Mama died. Twenty-five years of also serving here since the pediatric ward was Mama's favourite playground when she was also admitted here during her final days.

"Hi, everyone! Naku, parang marami ata sa inyo ang maganda ang gising ah?" I jovially greet the kids.

It's a joke amongst my siblings on how hospitalholic I am. I'm an ED doctor most days, and a storyteller at the pedia ward when I can.

I'd like to think that when I spend my leisure time in the same place where Mama and Tita Reese used to bond, I can feel closer to them more than ever.

Like they never left.

"Dahil behave kayo, I will be telling you my personal and favourite fairytale of all time."

"Doc. Janine, ano po ang ibig sabihin ng personal?" The innocence that comes along with youth feels like a blissful windy afternoon, just pure joy.

"Good question, Loise! Ang ibig sabihin ng personal ay maangkin mo at maituturing na iyo at iyo lamang." I watch Loise's demeanour stay as quizzical as it was moments ago. I let her curiosity hang in the air.

I feel nervous, but just like Loise's curiosity, I let my restlessness hang in the air. Something to ground me, something to make me feel alive as I talk about my favourite people who have died.

"Once upon a time, there was a Queen who lost her King because of a plane crash. That was the first time the Queen shed tears, at least according to her princesses."

I could see Emily two rows from Loise looking sheepish, her left arm half raised. "Yes, Emily?" I smiled.
"Doc., hindi po 'yun 'yung last time na iiyak si Queen? And ano po ang pangalan niya? Kawawa naman siya."

"Ayun! Good question, Em," I gave her a thumbs up, "ang pangalan ni Queen ay Queen Leon, at oo, hindi 'yun ang last time na iiyak siya."

I don't tell my siblings this, but sometimes I still see Mama and Tita Reese somewhere here in the ward. Mama hugging Tita from behind as she leans sideways to look at Tita, just like how they were when their bones were still strong enough to hold each other.

"Ayun na nga. Queen Leon and her three princesses were left all by themselves because they lost their King. Time went by and eventually they got used to just having each other, but that didn't mean that they did not miss King Joseph. In fact, when they go back to their kingdom, Naga, they visit his grave as often as they could."

I could see the amusement in the eyes of the kids before me, even the parents seemed to have been swayed by the story.

"Now, God didn't let Queen Leon grow old alone. Aside from her children, she met someone."

I see the excitement in the eyes of everyone, the parents and guardians moving closer and little did I know that I'm already surrounded by an army of people keen on my story.