death by a thousand cuts (lenrisa)

only at arm's length

Love, most people don't realise, is a choice. The unexplained physics of one falling in love sure isn't anyone's control, but the mere act of doing something for a person to make their life easier, better, and happier sure is a choice.

And so in this narrative, in this version of the earth—Leon has been choosing for a decade now.

For a decade, it has been loving Therese from afar, or at arm's length; just never too close for life to give her the security that Therese is hers and hers alone.

"Leo, I have a birthday thing, please! Please come!" I want to, but I won't.

"Oh... I'll be in Baguio, duty calls, Reese," She gave Reese that irresistible smile of hers, making sure that Reese was oblivious of Leon's inability to face the truth: that every time Reese celebrates her birthday in grandiosity, it hurt that it wouldn't be Leo who carries the cake to Therese.

For ten years, she dodged all the birthday invites because it meant celebrating Therese and her lover. Weirdly, whatever good happens with Therese... it entails seeing him.

"Hindi ko na maalala 'yung last time na nagbirthday ako na kasama kita, ang tagal tagal na nun baka makalimutan ko na itsura mo ha," Therese said jokingly, but if Leon was offended and taken aback, it didn't show. She was always poised, even when grief-ridden, she was always staid and composed.

Even when she wanted to say, kahit naman maalala mo itsura ko, hindi pa rin naman ako yung pipiliin mo.

But Leon being Leon, she couldn't resist Therese.

"Ok... sige. Dinner... Toyo eatery? My treat!" Leon said giddily, waiting for the other woman to jump for joy with her.

"Hala, bakit treat mo, eh birthday ko?"
"Contrary to popular belief, dapat 'yung nagbibirthday talaga 'yung nililibre. I know ayaw mo, but please? For the past few years? Let me make it up to you?"

Leon muttered pleadingly, which reminded herself of the moments when she used to try and tame the bear that was Reese; when they would fight over the littlest of things, she would chase and chase and she wouldn't tire.

And then they'd be ok and all will be well in the world.

The funny thing about their past is that Leon could always go back. She could go back and check how the Kalayaan dorm looked with the visual of her and Therese cuddling amongst the deluge of books and paperwork.

She could go back and see what a mess they've made decades ago. The sad thing is, when she goes back, she's confronted with the truth that the only person who lingers in the past is just... her, herself, and her lonesome.

_______

A lot of people would say it's dumb to still invite your ex—who is also the one that got away—into little rendezvous, still bringing her to places you love even after she told you you're not who she loved the most.

Even after she chose someone else after you traded the world for her, all guts and glory traded for the one and only—only the gesture left you grieving for years on end.

Only the love you gave left you reaching for remnants of what was and what could've been.

"Did you like the food, Reese?" Leo asked, trying to liberate more about Therese's life, feeling panicked because the night is coming to an end; the time with her always feels short and maybe, just maybe, if she asked more questions then it would compensate for the void left by loving someone longer than you should.

"I'm happy, Leon. Thank you!" Therese exclaimed.
"Can I ask you something, Leo?"
"Sure. What is it?"
"Why do you still do these?"
"What do you mean? What these?"
"Why do you still love me after all this time?" Leon wasn't ready for that question. It felt like it had been hanging in the air for a long time just after Therese mentioned it. It seemed as though the question was a fruit waiting to be picked and it has been ready ever since.

"Why do you ask? Ayaw ko nang pag-usapan, Reese. Ok lang ako," But it was a lie. Although Leon knew that telling Therese otherwise won't be of any help. She said she loved her once and Therese still chose him.

What good does telling the truth do when it only leaves you to lose?

"Because if I were in your situation, I would leave— No, I would run in the other direction and forget. I could never be kind, I could never be loving."

"But that's you, Reese. The only thing I could never do is not love you. That's what sets you and me apart, you can leave in an instant, and I cannot. I'm stuck wherever this love has brought me and I've never left since. Never able to."

Leon scoffed. "The funny thing is love is a choice, and all those 'I cannots' are 'I would nots' in secret. But now you know. So just give me this. Because I cannot love you wholly and freely so give me this—I promise to love you but only from afar; only at arm's length where he's assured he has you and you alone for himself and his lonesome."