I Hate You More

Fucking With My Head

Remington

"Rem," Emerson knocked on my bedroom door for the fifth time in ten minutes, "come on man, you've got to get out of bed."

It had been two weeks since I told Harlen I loved her. Two weeks of nothing. Sure, I was drunk when I said it but, I still meant it more than anything, and it stung that she couldn't even reject me with words. How could she be so cruel? How could I be so stupid? We weren't meant to be anything more than what we were, and I was incredibly delusional to think that my words, or what I was feeling with my entire chest, could change that. I knew better but, that didn't stop my heartache. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't move without my heart squeezing in pain. I couldn't eat, or sleep, or even roll over. All I wanted, was for her to know the truth, and now she wouldn't even be in my life at all.

"Remington," Sebastian said softly from my now open doorway, "you have to eat something. Please."

"I'm not hungry." I mumbled.

"I know," Emerson sighed. I couldn't see him because my back was facing him but, I could feel a weight on the bed, "but maybe you should try to eat something anyhow."

I didn't respond.

"Remington." Sebastian called out.

I still wasn't responding. I didn't feel like it.

"Rem I know you miss her," Emerson finally said what they both were thinking, "we both know you miss her but, she walked out on you. That's her bad. You just have to pick yourself and move on. There will be someone else."

I shook my head but, sat up and took a drink of the water he was offering me.

"and I don't mean to be an ass but, the label is already pressing us for new album ideas." Sebastian said softly.

My brothers hadn't spoken to me this softly in years.

"Jesus fucking christ," I snapped, "our Side B doesn't even come out until next week, and they already want the next one?"

"I know," Emerson scoffed, "but it's our job, and we can't just quit."

I nodded my head slowly.

"Alright. I'll be down in a minute."

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You coming around
But you act so cold
So cold, so cold
You show them wrong
Cause you just say no
No no, no no
You torture me
But I just won't scream
I'm dead inside
Even in my dreams

You're fucking with my head
Yeah, Yeah
You're fucking with my head
You're fucking with my

"That's good," Sebastian smiled, "Rem I don't think I've ever seen you write a song that fast in my life."

I nodded at his words, and stood up to grab a beer out of the fridge. It was about her. She made me feel seen, and then left without a fucking word. She told me we could talk tomorrow, and she never showed up.

"Do you want to eat something first?" Emerson asked, concern lacing his voice.

"Nope." I said, popping the 'p', and taking a swig of the alcohol.

"Rem-"

I cut my older brother off with a sneer, "Can you let me do my own fucking thing to process this?"

"Snorting coke, and washing down pills with a bottle of beer for every meal, isn't 'processing'." He scoffed.

"Well I don't tell you how to live you're fucking life so, you don't tell me how to live mine."

"We're not trying to tell you what to do," Emerson sighed, "you're worrying us. We just want you to be ok."

"Well don't you think I want that," I snapped, my voice cracking and raising at the same time, "all I want is to forget she ever existed, and to be ok. It's just not that simple."

"I know-" Emerson said softly.

"Do you," I yelled, "do you really."

"Yes Remington," Emerson yelled back, "Harlen is- was my best friend and she ghosted all of us. We're all hurting. It's not just you, so stop acting like it is."

I just looked at him for a minute. Every ounce of energy I had was being devoted to me keeping my tears inside.

"Whatever." I scoffed before throwing the front door open and bursting out of it.

I didn't know where my feet were taking me but, before I knew it, I was standing at Renee's front door. My body was frozen in place, and I didn't know what to do. Should I knock? Should I go back home? I didn't have the chance to make the decision on my own, due to the front door being ripped open.

"Remington," Gianna grinned, "hi!"

She jumped into my arms, and I instantly squeezed her close to me. Harlen wasn't the only one I missed. I hadn't seen Gianna since our last show, "Hey Gi. How are you?"

"I'm good," She smiled as I put her down, and then she took my hand, "I just missed you guys. Come in."

I let out a weak smile as she led me to the sofa in Renee's living room, "Is Harlen with you?"

My eyebrows crinkled at the little girl's question. I thought Harlen was with her.

"Wha-"

"Remington," Renee questioned, cutting me off, "what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Europe!"

What?

"What," I chuckled awkwardly, "why would we be in Europe?"

Renee met my confused expression with one of her own.

"You guys were on tour," Gianna said before looking at Renee, "can I have another juice box?"

"Yeah," Renee smiled, sending Gianna to the kitchen. She then, sat down next to me and faced me with her body, "Gianna has been staying with me for the past two weeks because I was told that you guys got offered a European tour. Why are you acting like you don't know what I'm talking about?"

"Uh, because I don't," I said simply, "where'd you get that from?"

"Harlen," The look on my face must've been wild because, Renee corrected herself quickly, "well it was actually her dad but, he called me off of her phone because he tried to see if he could come pick up Gi."

My heart dropped after processing what she said, "Hold on. Her dad called you?"

Renee nodded slowly, "Yes Remington. I just said that. What's going on?"

I shook my head, and then rested it in my hands. All of the anger I was feeling had turned into fear, and worry, and hell even more anger. I wasn't mad at Harlen though. Now, I was mad at myself.

"Renee, something's wrong."