FEARLESS

Chapter 6

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why are thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall

yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Psalm 42:11

Chapter 6

I'm depressed. I know I am.

I wake up in the morning and gone is all the peace and joy I had yesterday. Gone just like the green drug that has left the plastic bag empty. Gone. The drug that wouldn't let me think for myself.

Now that I can the thoughts are far from pleasant. I think of all the things I have done that will bring others harm. I think of how wrong I have been.

How could I think that my life was worth something? I'm worth nothing. What have I ever done? Told one person about Christ. How much does that matter? God wanted him saved and He could have done it some other way. Why did He use me? Why did He save me? Why would He send His son to die for me? I am so undeserving. I don't even appreciate it most of the time.

What have I done? I will bring nothing but hurt and pain to those around me. The pain I've seen in Olen's eyes every time he has looked at me. How can I look into those eyes knowing that what happens to him is my fault?

And Matthew. I've been nothing but a troublesome sister. He had to give up so much to care for me. Why? Why didn't I just get killed with my parents? I should have died then. I don't deserve life. I don't deserve it and now I've ruined it for so many others.

How many people's lives have I put in jeopardy all for a desire I had to save souls? Why did I ever think I could do it? I should have died with my parents. Everyone's lives would be better. I can think of nothing but my worthless life.

You are being selfish Mallory. Selfish.

You think your life is for you? You think you were put in this world and in this room now under Rallis for you? No, your life is not yours. You don't belong to you. You belong to God and until you realize and surrender to that fact you will be living hell. You will have no peace. You will be in constant pain. The burden you bear you will bear alone. You will continue to harm those around you. You will just hurt them. Mallory, you must give up your selfish dreams to win souls to Christ. You must give up your dream to free Matthew. You must give up your dream to reach Olen. You must give up you. You must give up you and let God reign supreme guiding you to Him. A circular process of circular reasoning. Give up yourself to become God's. Have the Holy Spirit convicting you to give up yourself and having God accepting the Holy Spirit's work in you.

The drugs are gone. My system is clean. My God has shed His mercy and light on me. I am blessed beyond measure.

Matthew.

Olen.

I want to talk to them. I want to tell them I am sorry. I want Olen to know God. I want Matthew's blessing and forgiveness.

Dustin.

I want to tell Dustin about my faith.

"Dustin? If you can hear me could you please have me come where ever you are? Or you could come here but where ever is beside the point. I need to talk to you." I say into the empty room knowing he will hear me.

In a few minutes a thing in white opens the door. Knowing about the Remakes has left me unsure who will be human so unless it is a face I know I call it a ‘thing’.

The thing hands me a new outfit. I guess they are used to changing clothes down here. I take the outfit and shut the door before looking it over. There is a pair of off-white stretchy pants, the type you might see some rich girl walking haughtily around the Qualm in. A light green sweater that has a very intricate pattern knitted into it and a pair of boots that have at least three inch heels on them but are made out of the softest brown leather I have ever touched. I put on the clothes and lace up the ankle high boots. As I finish and stand the door opens and another thing in white comes in with a hair brush. The thing speaks and has a pleasant female voice.