The Rocky Road Pact

Chapter 5: All Night Long

It didn't go as planned. None of it did.

Depending on who you ask, the speech was either a triumph or a disaster. When I quoted Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall, my parents' faces went from a look of pride to shock and horror. When I elaborated on the dangers of thought control, and encouraged my classmates to forget about what their teachers said, shake off the chains of parental expectation and go for whatever made them happy in life, I'm sure I saw Mrs. B's face turn purple. 

"You've done everything all your life for everyone else. You let them all mold you; tell you what to do. Well it stops right now." A furtive glance over my shoulder told me that even the burnouts in the back row were listening. 

"Their time has passed. From here on out, we say what happens to us. Our time is now!" I didn't mean it as a rallying cry, complete with raised fist but that's what happened. 

Thunderous applause from the students on the stage startled me. There were only short bursts of lukewarm claps coming from the parents. When the students spontaneously broke into a chant of "Our time! Our time!" and started to throw their caps in the air and at each other before pouring out into the auditorium like a bunch of wild dogs finally let out of their cages, I had a slight feeling I might have gone a bit too far with my speech. Then again, watching the mayhem that I caused was kind of awesome. I kind of loved it.

My parents and Brandon? Not so much.

There was hardly any conversation at dinner where my feelings of rebellion and a job well done deflated like yesterday's balloons. My mother had two high, bright spots of pink on her cheeks, something that happened when she was very mad. Brandon barely looked at me, which stung. I thought of all people, he would have been in my corner. 

"I just really don't understand what got into you Cassandra Marie. All the eyes of the town were on you to deliver a speech that was gracious and dignified. What was that? I can't tell you how many teachers made mention of it, and not in a positive way. That English teacher of yours was apoplectic! You never thanked the town or the mayor or anyone!"

"What did they do?" No longer hungry, I pushed peas around on my plate at the fancy restaurant. "We did all the work of graduating."

"They fund the boys' basketball team, and the youth after school programs, the senior trip to England that you went on, and the safe grad party at the hotel tonight. It's tradition to thank them! You came across as smug and ungrateful."

"Who put you up to a stunt like that?" Brandon said, not looking up at me.

"Nobody," I said, jutting out my chin defiantly. In a flash, I remembered a shaggy-haired shadow in the doorway giving me the briefest of thumbs-ups when I ripped up the lame speech. But that didn't mean he 'put me up to it.' I had my own mind, and I was pissed about my shelved speech long before I ever talked to Tommy.

Brandon smirked and I had a quick urge to smack him. That was so not like me. But ever since he got into town earlier that day, he'd been distant. I was so happy to see him, I threw my arms around him when he arrived at the theatre for my graduation ceremony but his embrace was chilly. It was as though I'd done something to anger him, which was impossible. We'd spoken on the phone the night before and he sounded fine. A bit distracted, that was all.

Now, I looked to him for support and the Brandon I knew wasn't there. My stomach felt shaky and my head hurt. Everything was not the way it was supposed to be. My family was supposed to be celebrating my achievements, Brandon was supposed to be sharing stolen kisses and whispered promises about the night to come. After all, it was THE night, supposedly the most romantic one of my life.

I'd read all the magazines — Sassy, Teen and most importantly, Cosmopolitan. I talked to all my girlfriends who'd already 'done it' and took mental notes on what to expect. They said it would hurt at first - a bit. But then it would be like heaven. And it brought you closer together with your boyfriend than anything else. 

After years of dating, I was ready for that closeness and to have a more adult relationship. To prove I wasn't a kid anymore, that we were adults. This would bond us together forever, and I'm sure an engagement ring would be the next step. We could have a long engagement — two or three years, and then I'd be ready to get married and we'd start the family we'd always dreamed of while working together in our veterinary clinic.

You ever build a sand castle that was just perfect, only for a rogue wave to come out of nowhere and sweep it all away? That's what happened on our Big Night. 

I don't know what's supposed to happen when you lose your virginity. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't this.

First, I couldn't drag Brandon from the grad party downstairs in the hotel. We made a plan to leave the dance at around 10 and go up to the room, but I couldn't find him anywhere. Annoyed, finally I located him. There was a basement arcade and there he was, playing pinball with his friends. I gently pulled on his arm and he said "give me a minute, babe." The minute turned into an hour and longer. Playing video games. Instead of sweeping me off my feet. 

It was confusing and weird. I thought all guys couldn't wait for this very moment? It was then I started to get the creeping suspicion that something was very wrong with me. Otherwise, why would he be stalling and putting this off?

Finally, I dragged him away and up to the room. I opened the door to a mess.

He had checked in earlier in the day and his clothes were strewn everywhere. It looked like a dump.

It's okay, I told myself, but tears of disappointment had already started to sting my eyes. I still had an ace up my sleeve - the beautiful nightie I bought at the lingerie store in the mall. It fit me perfectly and pushed up my boobs to make them look bigger. I looked really good in it, I thought.

"I'll be out in a minute," I said to him and then changed in the scarlet silk slip. I combed my hair until tendrils curled around my collarbone.  After spritzing perfume behind my ears, between my breasts and on the backs of my knees like Cosmo instructed, I was ready.

Heart pounding, I shut off the bathroom light, opened the door and leaned sexily in the doorway. 

"Well, what do you think?" I said, after a minute. He must have been speechless. 

A sharp, deep noise startled me and it took me a minute to comprehend what I was hearing. It was a snore. 

He was asleep. 

All this planning and preparation, reading, interrogating my friends to get mentally ready for tonight, one of the most important nights of my life and I must have been so unappealing, he climbed into bed and went right to sleep. 

It's not like he was drunk, he only nursed one beer all night. Humiliated, I threw the matching silk robe on and slunk into bed.

Hours later, instead of close and cuddled up, we were as far apart in the bed as you could possibly get without falling onto the floor. To make matters worse, he took all the covers from me in his sleep and wrapped them tightly around himself. I couldn't budge them, so I lay shivering in the moonlight. Finally, I cried myself to sleep. I was humiliated.

He hardly said two words to me the next morning, before packing to leave. 

Nothing made sense. 

After not answering my calls for days, he finally called me back to break up. It's not me, he said, it's him. He's just not ready to settle down and it's not fair to both of us to try and make it work. I should go my own way, choose a different school to go to than his; a different path. He felt smothered.

He hung up the phone casually saying 'see ya around,' after destroying my entire life.