The Rocky Road Pact

Chapter 24: My Own Way

Oh, great. Now some chick was after me.

Ever since I was a kid in this rough, coal mining town, there was always the threat of getting beat up. Especially when you were a smart, sensitive kid.

I thought I left that fear behind in grade school when Lynette Wilson claimed I stole her cheerleading sneakers and told everyone she was going to "get me after school." The reasons for this tyranny were always so stupid. Why would I want to steal someone else's grotty cheerleading sneakers?

But I lived with that fear day in, day out for a week, random kids coming up to me and telling me "Lynette's going to get you." The resulting scuffle in the playground did not warrant all the fear and worry. The 'fight' was basically Lynette yelling at me and pulling my hair while a group of students gathered around and chanted "fight! fight!" It ended when I remembered we used to be friends once, she used to have sleepovers at my house when we were seven and I could always pin her down whenever we goofed around and play-fought. I stomped on her foot and she let go of my hair, I gave her a shove and she went down like a sack of potatoes, shooting me a wounded look that almost made me feel sorry for her.

"What'd you do that for," she whined, rubbing her elbow where she bumped it on the ground. 

"I never took your gross, smelly shoes. So piss off," I told her. And then it was over. It was dumb of me to worry about it.

But now that word got out that Tommy's been hanging around with me, my name was on his girlfriend's shit list. What would a fight look like now that we are 18? I couldn't get a black eye or a tooth punched out, I was a scholarship student who was going to college in the fall! It was all ridiculous.

What upset me more than the thought of physical violence was that Tommy had a girlfriend. That sucker punched me in the gut worse than any actual fist. What was he doing playing around with my emotions all summer, signing up for this dumb pact I created; making me feel things I hadn't felt before? 

I knew he was Mr. Mysterious, and an anti-conformist,  but I never thought he was a run of the mill asshole who would cheat on a girl. Boy, was I fooled. 

It left me in a funk all day Friday and I nearly forgot I was babysitting for the McNeil's that night. Babysitting was the last thing I wanted to do, but I already gave my word. All of my friends were going to Town that night, so I had no one to go with me to eat popcorn and watch scary movies with. I didn't have a boyfriend, so no one to cuddle up with when the kids went to bed. It was going to be a boring, old night and I was definitely not in the mood for kids. Especially these kids.

Allie and Katie were cute, but exhausting. I found babysitting boys much easier; they wanted nothing to do with you, disappearing into their rooms to play with their cars and trucks, or with the new video games that were sweeping the nation. My little cousins all had these new video game consoles where they moved a little ball around between two bars. The game was called Pong, and they played it on TV for hours. I didn't get it. I guessed I was too old.

The newer games were a little more sophisticated, there was one where a little guy bounced around through different worlds, throwing eggs and whatnot at dinosaurs or something. I played that one with the little guys and it was kind of fun. 

But girls were interactive. They demanded all of my attention, when I just wanted to watch the movies I rented at the video store — a gory slasher movie and a haunted house one. My mother thought I was absolutely crazy watching horror movies all the time, but I loved them. It was fun to be scared when you knew that you weren't in any danger - they were like roller coasters for the mind. But mom didn't understand this. She didn't understand me at all, actually.

So there I was, watching a "play" the girls had made up and performed. If I dared look at my watch or the clock, they would both stop, pouting, until I gave them my full attention again. I'd already coloured pictures with them, made paper jewellery and let them stuff themselves with chips and candy.

"Come on nine o'clock," I muttered, waiting for the magic hour when they'd have to go to bed. Katie cleared her throat loudly and I snapped back to attention. "Come on girls, wrap it up. Your mom says you've got to go to bed soon."

"Noooooo," they both yelled in unison before battering each other senseless with empty paper towel rolls in a mock duel, blankets tied around their necks. Will this night ever end? It seemed hardly worth it for ten bucks and all the popsicles I could eat. 

Finally, I took the paper crown and bracelets off me and scooted the girls upstairs to get their pyjamas on and brush their teeth. Once that was accomplished and they were in their little beds, it was "read us a story, Cassie!"

Annoyed, I picked the shortest book I could find, but they called me out for skipping pages and made me read it twice. Why wouldn't these kids leave me alone?

It was 9:30 by the time I had the little con artists down for the night and I headed downstairs to watch my movie. As I sat on the couch, I was struck by a blinding insight. Was this what motherhood was like? Spending all of your days taking care of others until you could finally grab an hour to yourself before crashing out and doing it all over again?

I had the most peculiar feeling then of being trapped, almost like this was my life and these were my kids. But when you have a family, no one is coming home to let you go off and live your life the way the McNeils would relieve me of my duties around midnight.

How could I think that this is what I wanted? The thought nearly knocked me over, it was so visceral and raw. But it was what I wanted, just a few short months ago.

Let's face it, I had never planned to work very long with Brandon. What I really wanted was marriage and babies and to settle down with him. I looked around the McNeil's lovely home, much like the one I had envisioned with Brandon. Before, I thought they had an ideal, perfect home. Now, overstuffed with knick knacks and overrun with kids' toys everywhere, it looked to me like a prison. 

Maybe I would want marriage and kids someday. But not someday soon, I knew that now. And not with Brandon. 

And I wanted more. I could do more. I wanted a career, something I could use my brain for, something where I could distinguish myself and feel a sense of accomplishment every day. Where I could stand up for people, be their voice, make a positive change in the world.

There might be a space in my life someday for a boyfriend or a husband. But maybe not. And I realized that was completely all right with me. How could I have been so wrong about Brandon and what I wanted, so much so that I nearly threw my life away?

I wasn't sure what my fabulous career was going to be, but I was completely sure that I'd figure it out. 

Lost in my thoughts, I almost didn't hear the phone ring. 

"Hello?" 

Still distracted, it took me a moment to realize there was no one there. I went to hang up when I heard the breathing. When they say that something put 'shivers down your spine,' I never really understood until that moment. The breathing was deep and gutteral; purposefully creepy.  Whoever was doing it meant to scare me. 

I didn't recognize the voice when he spoke. 

"Tonight, you die," he said. Then he hung up.