The Rocky Road Pact

Chapter 33: Tainted Love

We spent the day together.

First, we strolled through the gardens on the golf course property. The scent of the  hydrangea bushes and lilacs dripping with late-summer rain from earlier that morning  was delicious, but didn't calm my nerves. I was edgy and found myself wringing my hands.

We saw a rainbow in the distance, and I told myself that maybe it was a sign. I should just go with the flow and stop being negative; maybe life was turning around for me; all my small disasters and life earthquakes were over and my path opened up before me. 

When Brandon's warm hand slipped into mine, I tried to pretend I was a heroine in a romantic movie. My prince came back in the nick of time and here was my happy ending. Could all this really be true? Could I be getting everything I always wanted, just like that? 

He kissed me tenderly in the garden, and the damp summer air surrounded us like a cloud. I felt glad we were back together, in the way that you feel better when a nagging puzzle or problem is solved. My whole future reassembled and was back in place, I knew what I'd be doing in the fall and beyond, and who I would be with. I was safe again; safely back in a relationship with the man of my dreams.

Wasn't I?

Then why did I feel nothing when he kissed me?

Not a thing. It was just his lips on mine, nothing more. A touch dry and removed, like brushing arms with a stranger in a crowd. I stepped back and pushed him away.

"What's wrong?" His face was startled.

"Nothing. It's just the heat. Suddenly, I don't feel so good." He walked me over to a nearby bench and I sat down and pressed a hand to my head for my imaginary headache. The truth was, I felt nothing. I was numb.

That's not exactly true. Small tendrils of worry crept up into my mind. Where was Tommy? What was going on with him? Was he arrested? Did he really do those terrible things? Would I ever see him again?

I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I was a cop's daughter after all. I knew Tommy had a thing for fighting; hell, he went off with Moose and the guys to fight those guys from Braddock for fun on a Friday night. Maybe he did hurt that kid. I didn't know him at all, what kind of guy he really was. My stomach was in knots, but I blamed the heat of the day, not my gut feelings.

Brandon was sitting next to me. Brandon, whom I'd known since junior high, who gave me my first kiss at a middle school dance, who came over every Friday night to watch movies with me all through grade ten and eleven, who bought me that beautiful red polka dot dress from the mall once, just because I'd said I liked it.

I knew Brandon. And this was the life I should choose. It made total sense in my mind. 

It just didn't feel right. 

Brandon's car was at the golf course, so after our stroll in the gardens, we went for a drive and parked up on Campbell Hill, where we could see the whole town spread out before us. We talked for hours. Rather, he talked and I listened; my mind wandering off occasionally to Tommy and what he was doing. 

"And my parents put me back on my weekly allowance, provided I'm in school. So, when we're university, I say we get a small apartment and move in together. And maybe in a year or two, we can get married like we wanted."

"I'm only 18 Brandon," I said. My voice sounded far away, and not like my own. 

"That's never stopped you before from planning out our whole life," he said, snickering. "Okay, we can have a long engagement. Wait till we're both finished university. I'll be finished a year ahead of you and so I can get a job. Dad says I can work in the mayor's office making $25,000 a year, can you believe that? That's more money than we'll ever need. You can work, or be a stay at home mom if you want," he continued.

"Uh huh," I said. "Wait, what?"

"A stay at home mom. That what you said you wanted?"

"I said that?" I couldn't imagine saying such a thing. 

"No, I want to be a lawyer." The minute I said it out loud, I knew it was true, from the depths of my soul. I always wanted to be a lawyer, even met with one when I was 15 who told me about what her job was really like. I didn't even mind the thought of going through all the paperwork with a fine-toothed comb, I was analytical and paid attention to detail like that. I wanted to be an advocate for people who couldn't speak for themselves, I wanted to help. Mostly, I wanted justice for people who had been wronged. I wanted to be a prosecutor.

"Ok, well that's news to me. We can talk about it later. What do you say we go out for a nice dinner, have some champagne to celebrate getting back together? I'll book that hotel we stayed in and we can finish what we started on prom night?" He put his forehead to mine and looked into my eyes in a way I used to find adorable, but now I felt annoyed. 

"Sure," I said. But my heart wasn't in it. What was I doing?

He drove me home to change and get packed, saying he'd pick me up in a couple of hours. I went through the motions of showering and getting ready, packing an overnight bag but my mind was a thousand miles away.

"Where are you off to?" Mom said when I came downstairs.

"Brandon's picking me up and he's taking me out for a fancy dinner. We're staying overnight. In a hotel," I emphasized, hoping she would be outraged and put a stop to it. Instead, she blew out a puff of smoke and stubbed out her cigarette. "I knew you would come to your senses eventually," she said. "That boy is going places. It's about time you got yourself back on track."

He's going nowhere, I thought unkindly. Not without his Daddy's money and connections.

"Yeah well, he wants to get married. Like in a year or two." I reached out again for another lifeline; hoping she'd get mad, put her foot down. Say, 'no daughter of mine will be married, barefoot and pregnant at 19 or 20.' But she didn't. In a rare show of emotion, she ran over and clasped my hands, giggling like a schoolgirl.

"That's wonderful! Don't mess it up this time. And maybe you should go upstairs and put just a bit more blush on. You're pale as a ghost."

I yanked my hands from hers, disgusted. Brandon honked the horn from the driveway and I picked up my bag.

"I'll be back tomorrow, sometime. After having ALL THE SEX ALL NIGHT," I yelled, slamming the door behind me. She yelled some angry words at me, but they were muffled. Something about being an ungrateful something with no class; that was not how I was raised, etcetera, etcetera.

Furious, I jumped in the passenger seat and tossed my bag in the back. I wanted to just get the night over with and maybe stay gone. I didn't want to go back to that house with her, ever. Maybe we could get that apartment sooner rather than later. 

"This is going to be the most memorable night of our lives,'" Brandon said, and tried to do that forehead thing again.

"Do me a favour and cut the shit, would you?" I clicked my seatbelt in place and watched his jaw drop. "Shut the fuck up and drive."