The Rocky Road Pact

Part 38: If I Could Turn Back Time

But I never went to Florida with Tommy. Or anywhere.

In the end, at the very last minute, I chickened out. It was too risky for me; I couldn't picture us making our way together to the States, throwing away my university acceptance. It was just too much for me. I was a rule follower all my life, something I couldn't shake off just because I turned 18 and fell in love truly for the first time in my life. Not even for Tommy.

So we said goodbye. And it left a mark. I thought I was heartbroken over Brandon, but I didn't know what heartbreak was. 

We had that summer together, and one perfect night. I thought about it for years afterwards. All through university, law school and those tough, lean years I was articling. When I started my career in corporate law and climbed the ladder, busting my way through the glass ceiling, he was always on my mind. When I fell asleep at my desk routinely at 10 pm, barely bothering to eat or shower, working myself to the bone, he was the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep and the first though I had when I woke up.

Then, as mirages do, he began to fade.

When I met Phillip and we began our life together, Tommy ceased to dominate my thoughts. He receded further back in memory when I had my first child, and further still when my second came along.

Now, with grey streaking my hair and the first hints of fine wrinkles around the corners of my eyes, he barely takes up any part of my imagination at all.

Except.

On those fine, warm summer nights when the world is at peace, and the air wraps around you like cozy blanket, I think of him sometimes. So little of life is perfect these days; so uncomplicated and right. 

You begin to look back and cherish those moments because you know how completely rare they are.

Tommy saw me for who I was, our bond was formed as children. He never forgot me over all those years, even when I forgot him. 

The reunion is bringing him back again, to the forefront of my imagination. What will he look like, sound like? Will he be old, chubby — will he have lost all of his thick, silky black hair, so dark it shone blue in the light? Would he even know me?

I didn't feel guilty about these thoughts. Phillip and I had what we had, it was good and solid and right in its own way. But there's something about your first love that always sticks. 

So we went to the high school reunion. I found out that Mr. Burns passed away, sadly. He wasn't such a bad guy. I found all my old friends, looking much different — some taller, some thinner, some curvier. But I knew them all from their eyes. Looking into their eyes, we were all 17 again, unsure of everything, knowing nothing, stumbling from one misadventure to the next in our one-horse town. We made our own fun because there was nothing else to do. And it was wonderful reliving all the crazy nights and the stories that made us laugh until our bellies hurt.

Later in the evening, I felt someone take my arm. I turned around and nearly fainted. It was Brandon. After all this time, he hardly looked the same at all but again — the eyes were the key. Nothing changes there. 

We exchanged pleasantries, and caught each other up quickly on where we were in life career-wise, how many kids, all the things that life had provided us. He knew all about my career accomplishments, and I was flattered. 

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He took me to one side. "I just want to say, I am so sorry for that night in the hotel. I never should have acted that way, and it's bothered me ever since. I have no excuse except that I was just a constant fucking disappointment to my parents, and I was trying too hard to be everything they wanted. They really liked you. I had gotten into drugs back then, flunked out of college. I knew we weren't right for each other, but they insisted you were the key to me getting back on track and they convinced me of that too. When you resisted, I should have backed off immediately. I'm so sorry." He said it all in a rush, as if forcing himself to get it out. I put a hand on his shoulder. 

I've seen plenty of cries for attention and sympathy over the course of my career, as well as plenty of liars. I looked into his eyes and saw no deceit.

"I forgive you," I said. "It was a crazy time. I just hope you're doing OK now. We did have some good times together didn't we?" I said, elbowing him in the ribs like I used to. I was glad he spoke to me so candidly. I caught Phillip's eye across the room and gave him a nod. Reunions were good for things like that, things that needed to be said and settled. 

We hugged and promised to keep in touch. He introduced me to his wife, a lovely woman named Maria and I was glad to see him happy. He was right about one thing. We were totally wrong for each other, something that made me chuckle thinking about how crazy about him I was once upon a time. 

After getting us champagne, Phillip was back at my side, meeting people and chatting politely. He really was a saint.

Everywhere we went, I felt eyes on us and there was a slight buzz in the room. Next thing I knew, I was hearing my name from the president of our alumni association. I ducked my head when she singled me out as one of Carver high's 'most notable graduates.' 

I still hadn't seen Tommy yet, even though I scanned the crowd constantly. My eyes went from person to person, but it was no use. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he decided to skip it entirely; the Tommy I knew would definitely be in favour of giving the whole thing a pass.

It was something I considered. But if I'm honest, the reason I came was for him. I hoped secretly that he would find the patience to put up with an event like this for the same reason. I hoped he came for me. Even just to have a five minute conversation was something I desperately wanted, even just to say thank you to someone who believed in me; who really saw and knew me back at a time when I didn't even know myself.  

The president of our alumni group was still talking about me and my accomplishments, so I thought it best to tune in. The next thing I knew I was called to the podium.

"I hope she will forgive me, I didn't have a chance to ask her ahead of time. But I'm wondering if our Valedictorian might come to the stage and give us a few words. Please welcome, the pride of Coldspring, Justice Cassandra Davies!"

The crowd erupted in applause. "Go get 'em, Judge," Phillip said and squeezed my hand. Luckily, I thought something like this might happen, so I sketched out some rough notes on small cards in a stack in my purse. I took them out as I climbed to the podium.

It all came back to me; graduation, the conversation with Tommy on the steps, ripping up the prepared speech and not caring what the adults thought. Every time in my life since high school, whenever I went off script, raised my voice, took a chance when everyone else in my life told me to choose the safe route, I thought of that day and of him. Of what he did for me. 

I took out my carefully printed cards. I took a deep breath to start and paused.

There he was, in shadow. I couldn't see his face, just his familiar shape, leaning against the door frame. He was far away, but I could see his eyes, dark and amused and laser-focused on mine. 

"I—" Lost for words, I fumbled with the cards in my hands, accidentally mixing them up. What was it I was going to say to this class of friends and foes, preps, jocks, underdogs, skids and druggies who survived high school together before going our separate ways? Everyone had their own unique journey behind them and hard-earned wisdom. Who was I to say anything to them?

I caught the wink Tommy gave me from across the room and knew what I had to do. I threw the cards into the air; they fluttered around me like butterfly wings to the laugher and applause of the crowd. 

A new speech began to form in my head, not one full of platitudes and cliches, but something fresh; something about me and my life. The real me, not The Honourable Cassandra Davies, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. 

The 18-year old me, filled with anxiety, heartache and regret but determined to carve my own future. With a little help from my friends. 

Taking a deep breath, I looked directly at Tommy and the rest of the room faded away as I began my speech. 

"I should have gone to Florida."