bittersweet | steve harrington

LETTERS

March 3rd 1991

Angeli woke up to the Friday she's been craving for so long now, her comfortable college bed greeting her once again. She's been waiting for the weekend for what seemed like ages, not for any particular reason, she was just craving a day without school on her mind, a day where she can focus on herself.

It was March already, almost eight months after the last she saw Steve. It was awful at first, she used to be so fragile, break apart with every single thing that reminded her of him. She took the necklace he gave her off, as she was unable to look in the mirror and she it on herself, showing off a hundred memories of him.

She got less fragile after a while, when school started and took her mind off of everything else. She still remembered him every time she heard a certain laugh or saw another with similar hair, every time she saw her body in the mirror or every time she talked to Robin on the phone, every single time someone called her Angeli, even though she asked people to call her that now. And it broke her heart every single time all over again. It got better, she forgot about him after long enough, not everything reminded her of him, not everything hurt.

That morning, Angeli took her time getting out of bed, rolling around for an hour before the sun shined so hard in her face it was unbearable to stay in bed any longer. She slipped in her slippers and walked over to the bathroom, washing her face and brushing her teeth while falling into her usual thoughts before a knock woke her up from her sleepy daydreaming.

"Angelina?" The familiar voice of her roommate called, she left out of the bathroom. Hurrying to spit the bits of toothpaste as she walked out.

"I think this is for you?" She said, handing her a big white envelope. Angeli took it, a confused look on her face, who is sending her anything? She wasn't expecting anything, as far as she was aware. She quickly thanked her roommate who left the room after and hurried to scan the envelope. The address of the sender with scribbled up, and Angeli felt the excitement feel up her stomach as she hurried to open it, ripping the tape as everyone fell down on her bed.

Letters. A whole lot of them, messy handwriting on different types of papers. She looked at them in confusion, lightly reading around until she noticed the signature.

Steve.

Her stomach turned in place, she hadn't heard from him since the summer, not even a phone call. She's talked to Eddie, Robin and even chatted with Vickie over a call with Robin once, but she's never imagined that she'll hear from him again. In some place in her heart, she hoped she won't. It was easier that way.

But her stomach turned in place when she saw the envelope, the letters. Maybe he sent it to the wrong person?

She set down on the bed, her breath tense as she noticed the dates on the letters. As fast as she could, she fixed them in order, before picking up the first one and starting to scan her eyes over the first letter.

" June 7th 1990.

James,

You're driving me absolutely mad.
Everything about you, about us, about this.
Is so wrong in so many ways, yet I feel like it's the rightest thing I've ever done.  I love your lips, I love the way you taste,
I love the birthmark on the side of your upper lip.
I love your laugh, it's all so ridiculous. I used to hate you, now I'm not ever sure I could ever hate you again, not even dislike you. You are so pure, so honest, so gentle,
I can't imagine anything else but your touch right now.
I'm never even going to show you this, its way too embarrassing and I hate writing, it's all so unlike me, but when I'm with you I can't even recognise myself sometimes.

Stop driving me crazy, for the love of god

Steve "

-

" June 15th. 1990.

Angeli,

Sometimes, when you look at me, I feel like you see it all. My soul, my heart, my pain. You see me for me, and somehow, it doesn't drive you away. You understand parts of me that I don't even understand yet"

-

" June 20th. 1990.

Please. I'm sorry.
I'm so incredibly sorry.

You're not selfish, you could never be. I'm sorry for kissing Anna, I'm sorry for being an idiot about this whole situation. I can't even fall asleep without you in my arms anymore.

Ive never felt this way about anyone before. You're driving me crazy, and I'm scared. I'm terrified of the day this will come up an end, I'm scared it'll be today. Im not mad at you, love, I could never be, not after all of this, not when my heart is yours.

Im yours. Im yours. Im yours.

Steve"

-

" July 28th. 1990.

Happy birthday my love. To many more birthdays well spend together, in my mind anyway.

I'm yours, I have it carved for you. I mean it.

Your Stevie"

-

"July 6th . 1990

Angeli.

You are all I ever wanted love to be"

-

" July 12. 1990

Dear Angeli.

Saying goodbye to you was
the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And I've fought monsters for god's sake.

I don't think I've ever told you,
but I think I was falling in
love with during this summer.

it's been long enough for me to
grieve and forget about you.
About how you made me feel,
About how your lips taste.
Maybe I'm over you,
But Maybe I'm still holding on to
that little piece of hope you'll
change your mind and come back to me.

I still love you,
but not in the way I did before.
Maybe that's a good thing.

I still love and I will forever,
but I don't need you to live anymore.
I can spend full days now with
thinking about you constantly.

I'm your forever, even if we grow apart.

Steve"

By the time she was done with the letters, her face were already wet with tears, when she picked up the last envelope. That was smaller then the rest, when she flipped it around. It wasn't even a letter, just a picture of her. "My girl"

She smiled between tears, pulling her nose before getting up, the letters still scattered on her bed.

She ducked down under the bed, reaching out for one of her boxes where she aggressively searched between tears. When she finally found it, she got up. And walked over to the toilet. She clean up her tears with a towel before reaching to the small white box, and opening it.

The golden necklace Steve gave her for her birthday was just laying there.

She slowly picked it up, a soft smile snuck up on her lips as she clipped it in the back and watched herself in the mirror. A part of Steve with her now, after a long time. Just then, a plan started to form in her mind.