Imperishable (Boris x reader)

Epilogue 4

Tw: self harm

We did call an ambulance but it wouldn't matter if they got there quicker, if Theo hadn't froze, if I hadn't freaked out none of it would've mattered because he was already gone. Today's the funeral we didn't wanna have it in Amsterdam but we didn't really have the money to get him back to America and he moved around so much we weren't really sure where to put him. So we cremated his body I think that that was the best option for somebody that was homeless in the sense that they lived everywhere and nowhere like he did. I haven't cried since that night I don't think that I can. I think but it's deeper than a crying it's like a part of me is missing now and I guess that you got a learn to keep going. I'm not really sure how to do that. It doesn't feel like anything will ever be normal again. Even when he wasn't here I knew he was somewhere but now he's dead. Gosh that doesn't sound possible. Boris Pavlikowsky, dead. That's sounds so crazy. We haven't decided what we're going to do with the ashes but I think that I want to make one of those necklaces so that it's like he's kinda still there a little bit. I would've never told Boris this but I had so many dreams for us. After we saw him, after things worked out, the second after we open the box and the bird was there and I thought we were walking away from it. I just imagined this life. Where I was happy where I was married or engaged I don't know I was with Boris and we had a home and maybe one day we have a family. It feels like all that was so senselessly ripped from me for some stupid painting. I should be so mad that we didn't even get to keep it, and I am. I was so mad I felt like he died for nothing sometimes I still feel like that. But I think that it was his way of making things right. He felt so bad for leaving so bad for using Theo's painting for taking it. So maybe there was some closure for him and what happened maybe that was how we wanted to go and maybe that should be enough closure for me too. I don't think so enough closure as possible though. But I think that I'm gonna go back to Larry's old house and I'm gonna put some of his ashes there. I'm going to be as close to him as I can be. And then maybe one day I can move on but I don't think that's possible. To be honest I don't want it to be. I don't ever wanna be okay with him not being around. It was hard enough when he was gone but I finally thought I had him back. We were so tied together in life it feels like I couldn't be okay without him. We got each other me him and Theo I mean in a way that no one could get us. Our whole lives where tragedies.  Loss after loss and yet for some reason we kept ending up together and together was the only place that I ever felt right. I can't live life not feeling right like that again. I have an Idea and this time it's not like at Larry's. This time Boris isn't there to stop me. Forgive me Theo. I take the pills from Theo's room. Ever single pill he brought and I take them all.

Im never feel that kind of wrong again.