his helpless lover

chapter 4

TW: suicide thoughts, suicide, pills

Chuuya knew something was off but he didn't want dazai to have another breakdown or even hurt himself so he decided to show his soft side "hey so umm want to get you to bed? You can sleep maybe and relax if you're tired" dazai nobbed and chuuya picked him up and got him to bed, before he could leave dazai tried to reached for his hand as he touched one of chuuyas fingers "what is it?" "Dont leave.." he whispered. Chuuya has only seen that soft side of dazai or rather not soft, tired side of dazai a few times and he knew if this happened he wasn't good with his mental health, chuuya sat next to him and took him to his arms "im here I won't leave alright?" dazai closed his eyes and slept easily because he felt so safe in chuuyas arms, chuuya just watched his peaceful face while he was asleep and smiled.

1 week later

Dazai was feeling kind of better but chuuya to cheer him up he didn't just played the guitar to him, he bought and electrical guitar and sang to him, it was entairtaining for dazai because he loved mitski but he loved rock too, especially when chuuya was playing and singing, chuuya started dancing too and it was the only time this week that dazai had shown any emotion, he was laughing, a bright genuine laugh, chuuya noticed how he was smiling and he just continued doing stupid dances and after he was tired he fell to dazais arms both dying for laughing, suddenly dazai looked straight at chuuyas ocean blue eyes and smiled softly "youre so pretty" chuuya blushed and stared away from embarrassment "thank you" dazai giggled and grabbed his chin gently "such a pretty face" he said as he looked at chuuyas lips, he noticed and blushed even more but before he could say anything dazai leaned closer and kissed him, it was a soft kiss, chuuyas lips were tasting like cinnamon and dazais like coffee, both their lips touched and they both enjoyed the kiss, after a while of kissing they just cuddled on the floor and dazai was playing with chuuyas hair "your hair is so soft" he said while smiling "they are like clouds, soft" "how do you know how clouds feel? They may are not soft and just seem like it" dazai giggled "youre right". That night they both fell asleep cuddling and they just felt safe, they were safe when they were with each other, they just felt like it.. that was until they both turned 18. Adulthood.

Present

Dazai finally got the motivation to get up and go to the ada 5 days after chuuya took care of him and he decided to try to live and not just stare at a wall all day, it was hard to get up at first, his body was weak he just couldn't move, but after some days he did it, he got up, got dressed, ate breakfast and went to the ada "Goodmorning everyone" atsushi smiled awkwardly "Goodmorning dazai-san" before dazai could talk to anyone else kunikida popped out of nowhere and hit dazai "You asshole! We tried to break a mafia code and we needed you! And you were just lazy and was on your house all day! If you didn't have a special gift you should have been kicked out of the agency by now!" all this caught dazai off guard was he lazy? Useless? "Hey are you listening to me!? I'm gonna talk to the president about this! Now go help atsushi with the Port mafia code!" dazai said nothing and just went to solve the code. After some minutes he finally broke it just to find something terrible in it, there were the Port mafia torture methods and what they have done to their members, he saw chuuya there too at least one time but he saw akutagawa too, nobody knew he tortured akutagawa while was at the port mafia, he closed the computer as long as atsushi sat next to him "did you find something dazai-san?" Dazai smiled "nope nothing, the file is empty" but before he could leave atsushi opened the computer and not only saw all that torture methods but he found and some other files "dazai-san..? Thats your Port mafia record.." there were the records of each member and dazais was one of the biggest, everybody stayed silent as dazai took of the USB with the files and ran out of the agency, kunikida and atsushi chased him down but he had already disappeared "He stole the files! I don't think dazai could do something so stupid we know where he lives!" sure dazai wasn't stupid to just ran but he was stressed he was worried that he would get him to jail or even worse look at him like he is a murder. He knew that they couldn't look at him like a person because he wasn't human but he didn't wanted to return to how he was, a murderer. He hid in a dark alley and caught his breath, suddenly someone came into the alley "tch where is that shitty- huh" it was chuuya "What are you doing here you bastard?! Are you following me?! Wait whats that on your hand.. the files!" Chuuya grabbed the USB from dazai "What does this mean?! Why are you here right now with the files of the port mafia in your hands all alone?!" dazai started at chuuya with fear in his eyes "the records.." chuuya was confused for a second "wait.. this has the records of the Port Mafia members?! Who else has seen this!" Dazai didn't answer "Tell me you mackerel who else fucking saw?!" he grabbed dazai from his collar "i don't know" "Huh?! What do you mean you don't know?! You were suppose to have a plan on how to beat me and smile right now instead of telling me the truth not I don't know! What's wrong with you!?" Dazai just stared at chuuya with no emotion in his eyes or expressions, chuuya sighed and threw him on the ground "You better go somewhere else there is an important meeting now and they are gonna kill you if they see you here. You want to die with a beautiful woman don't you!?" Dazai got up and left "Thank me later you bastard! Dont think I care about you or anything o just want to straggle you myself!" he clicked his tongue and turned away from dazai "that's not the fucking tricky bastard I know.. something is off with him. Anyways I don't care."

Dazai was wondering around the street but he was exhausted and decided to sit near a lake, he just layied there and closed his eyes like he was about to sleep but someone sat next to him "why did you ran away from the agency?" it was kyouka, they probably sent her to find him "give me the files and we will leave you alone" dazai didn't answer to her "give it or I will have to take it with another method" before kyouka could put a knife on his throat atsushi came too "kyouka! Dont run off like that-" "I found him" atsushi looked at dazai, he looked dead "is he dead?!" he said in fear, kyouka checked if he was breathing "no he is alive but we won't give me the USB" atsushi sighed "dazai-san please give it to us" dazai decided to answer to them "i dont have it someone took it from me while he was about to beat me up" atsushi started panicking "Kunikida-san is gonna kill you! And that files were important dazai-san! Who stole it from you?" Dazai blushed in the thought of that person "Chuuya Nakahara" kyouka had heard of him "i know him, i saw him a few times while I was in the mafia, he can control gravity and he is the 1# martial artist in the mafia" atsushi started panicking even more "How are we gonna take it back?!" "We won't, this files are not important to us anyways, they were torture methods and kill records" kunikida arrived too "still dazai, this files may be only that but we may had seen other port mafia members we don't know about or more information about them, did you know what we risked to take that files and they just stole it like a kid's toy from you! I don't even know why we still have you at the agency" dazai knew that kunikida was mad and that's why he was saying that but it hurt him like they were stabbing him "kunikida-san.." "no atsushi. He may have a powerful gift and be good at fighting and that he is smart but he can go on without him. This files were important. What were you thinking anyways dazai?" Dazai didn't answer "lets go back" atsushi looked at dazai with a sad look as he walked away leaving him all alone after making him feel like trash and the only thing that he wanted was people not to see him as a monster who kills people.

That night he took all the pills he had with him and just stayed paralysed laying on the ground, everything was shaking around him and he couldn't move his body, maybe this was the best, if he could die he would right now, this pills may kill me right? That was his only thought. He just wanted to be a happy human who helps people and he couldn't even do that. Useless. Lazy. Worthless. "O-odasaku maybe I'm not built to be on the side that s-saves people" he passed out. Nobody was there to take him to the hospital or take care of him. He would just die like this? From overdosing? From pills? Not even with a woman by his side, alone.

Author notes:
Don't come for me idk if they had USB at that time but I didn't know what word to use because English isn't my first language:) Thank you for reading and if there is any ship you want with a specific au I can try and write it for you or if you have any ideas at all for a new fanfic or anything tell me! Oh and i would really appreciate it if you could check my other soukoku fanfic too because I have worked hard on that one too! Thank you for reading!