Time To Grow

Chapter 8

a/n: Sorry for the spoiler in this trigger warning for the chapter, but I believe that it needs to be here. [tw death/miscarriage, tw depression.]

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Dear Journal,

Why do the thing we love most have to hurt us? Before we got to the hospital, the cramping started to get worse. I started feeling worse. It hurt. So many things ran through my mind. I didn't know much about pregnancy yet, but I had read some stuff here and there when we would have to be on the bus or a plane.

The bleeding started on the way there. It wasn't a little bit. It was definitely a fair amount. They got me in pretty quickly. Mani had to wait in the waiting room. I didn't like that. I needed her. I was scared.

Normani was wrong. So, so wrong. Everything wasn't going to be okay. The doctor eventually put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me with sadness in her eyes.

"Miss Jauregui,"she said, "I'm so sorry. You're having a miscarriage."

Miscarriage. It keeps repeating itself over and over again in my head.

I didn't want this to happen. At first, I didn't think having the baby was a good idea. I figured I was too young. But now that it's gone, I feel empty. Numb.

I wanted them. I started to think that maybe I could have really been a good mom. Now I don't have a choice. I no longer have a baby. My baby died.

This is all my fault.

I'm sure I could have done more. I messed up. I didn't provide a good enough home for it to grow in. It's because of me that I don't have a baby anymore. I should have stopped touring. I shouldn't have done the performances, I shouldn't have had so much on my plate.

I know some women managed to do it alright, having so much on their plates. But I couldn't handle it, and my baby couldn't either.

Brad still doesn't know that there ever was a baby. I never told him. Maybe I never will. He'd hate me. I know he already doesn't like me too much, but it'll only be worse after this. So I can't tell him.

I feel like my world is crumbling.

That was my baby.

-xoxo, Lauren.

PS. I love you baby. I'm sorry.

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Lauren was eventually discharged the next morning. The doctors told her that there was nothing she could have changed to prevent it, but she didn't believe it. She knew it had to have been her fault in some way, shape, or form, but she wouldn't tell them that. They told her to check in with the doctor in a few days, and they gave her some phone numbers to contact a counselor. She could only nod. Maybe she'd see a counselor, maybe she wouldn't. More than likely, she wasn't going to. Nobody else needed to know how she was feeling.

As she went to exit the hospital, she was met at the door by four girls with sadness written all over their faces. However, Lauren didn't share the facial expression. Her face was free of any sad emotions. She didn't look happy, but she didn't look sad either.

"Lauren, I'm so sorry," Ally said, finally being the first to speak up.

The green eyed girl reached out, taking Ally's hand. "It's fine."

All of the girls shook their heads. "No it's not, Lauser. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but we're here for you," Dinah told her, wrapping her arms around her shorter friend.

"It's fine. I'm fine, really," Lauren said, moving away from the hug, letting Ally's hand go. "I'm a little sore still, and I should probably be taking it easy, but we need to get some rehearsing in for RMDA's."

The other girls exchanged glances, wondering why Lauren was acting so calm about this. Nonetheless, they nodded, and headed Lauren's dad's car that was parked by the curb. Her dad was in the driver's spot, and Ally sat up front with him on the passenger side. Normani and Camila sat behind them, with Dinah and Lauren in the back.

They started to drive, and Lauren kept her poker face glued to her features. She glanced out the side window, then back out the front. Dinah put a hand on Lauren's leg and looked at her sympathetically. She knew that Lauren wasn't okay, she was sure of it. She was sure that this was just Lauren putting up a wall so she wouldn't have to deal with how much it was probably killing her inside.

"You don't need to look at me like I'm an injured puppy, Dinah. I told you, I'm fine," she said softly yet coldly, looking down. She brushed the girl's hand off her leg.

"Lauren.."

"Dinah, stop. I am fine. F-I-N-E, fine. Okay?"

Dinah just sighed, and shifted closer to her side of the car. She knew that she shouldn't push Lauren, but it was hard. She wanted her to open up to her, she wanted to be able to comfort her. If she wasn't ready though, there wasn't much Dinah could do about it.

Mike took the girls so they could rehearse on the stage. As they got out of the car, he pulled Lauren aside.

"Lauren, I think you should be at home.. Not here. You just lost your baby.."

"Dad, I'm fine. I'm not broken or anything, I'm fine. The girls need me, and I want to rehearse."

Throwing herself back into it was all Lauren could do. It wasn't much of a distraction, but it was a bit of one, and that's what mattered to her. If she could forget about the fact that her child was gone just for three minutes as they ran through the song, she'd be thankful.

—

Dear Journal,

Rehearsing ended up going okay. But everyone kept treating me like a newborn- fragile, someone they needed to be really gentle with. That's not what I wanted. I want them to treat me normally. The more they do this, the shittier it makes me feel.

My parents have been doing it too. Taylor and Chris heard, but they've been normal.

I feel depressed. I don't want to move from bed, but I know that I have to. If I don't, people will get a glimpse of how sad I am. They will see the dark cloud that's been following me since I got out of the car when Normani and I got to the hospital.

It's hard not to cry. If I cry, it makes it seem more real. I keep hoping that it's a dream. I know it's not, but I keep wishing it was.

Am I overreacting? I don't think so, but I suppose it could be a possibility..

Scratch that.

I'm not overreacting.

Any normal mother-to-be that has miscarried would feel the same, I'm sure.

I want Dinah to hold me though. I know I said I don't want them to see how I'm feeling, but I need her. She makes me feel safe when we cuddle. I doubt she'd do it if I asked. I was a bitch to her today, and I didn't mean to be. My walls are so high, even she can't see over them.

-xoxo, Lauren.

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a/n: So, I didn't initially plan on getting this chapter up so soon, but I knew what I was going to write. I'm sure a lot of you may not have expected this to go the way it did. It's sad, but I've got a lot more in store in the next several chapters. Eventually things will look up~