Time To Grow

Chapter 15

"Fuck, my head hurts.."

"No shit, Lo. Here, take these." Dinah said, handing two small pills to her to relieve the pain. She handed her a water bottle, and watched as Lauren swallowed the pills.

Lauren stood up, and wandered into the bathroom so she could use the toilet, brush her hair, and her teeth. Once she came back, she crawled back into bed. Dinah was perched on the edge of it, and Lauren pouted softly, reaching over. She ran a hand gently over the girl's thigh.

"Come hold me."

Dinah nodded, and crawled up next to Lauren on the bed. She propped herself up slightly, and pulled the older girl close so she could rest her head on her chest. Dinah wrapped her arms tightly around her, pressing her lips to the top of her head.

"Lauren.. Do you remember what we were talking about last night?"

"Kind of. I remember you telling me you liked me. And I know I said it back."

A smile tugged at Dinah's features, and she held Lauren a little tighter. "That was part of it.. And it's true. You make me feel really happy and giddy."

"My dark cloud isn't as bad when you're with me."

Those words hit Dinah harder than she expected. It warmed her heart to know that her presence was helping, at least a little bit. Lauren was struggling, Dinah knew that. And if being around her made that dark cloud less of a problem, it seemed like a winning situation. She got to be with the girl who she had growing feeling for more often, and Lauren could feel a little better.

"Be my girlfriend," Dinah blurted out.

Lauren pulled back from where she was laying, and she looked at Dinah. She locked her eyes on the girl, and bit her lip. "You.. you don't want that Dinah. We may have feelings for each other, but you don't want this. You shouldn't want this."

"Are you really saying this right now?"

"It's not because of you, Dinah. I'm just.. As much as I feel things for you, I can't do this right now."

Dinah swallowed hard, looking down. "Why? What's stopping you?"

"I need to figure out me first. You can't swoop in and fix me like I'm sure you want to. And I can't drag you into this mess that I have to call my life. My feelings are all over the place. I don't want you to get hurt, Dinah."

"Funny, because if you didn't want me getting hurt, you're not accomplishing that.."

Lauren rubbed her temples. This was not helping her headache at all. "I'm sorry. Look... I want to be with you. But when I'm ready. I'm going to try and get a hold of myself, get back to the old Lauren. I don't know if you're willing to wait for me. I don't expect you to. But you know as well as I do that it's not okay for me to throw myself into a relationship. It's hard to handle feelings with other people and like them when I don't even like myself that much these days. I'm so sorry Dinah.."

Dinah nodded. "I'll always wait for you. You're worth it," she said, winking. "But I really hope you don't change your mind about liking me during this waiting period."

"I won't. I promise," Lauren stated, linking one of her pinkies with Dinah's as she gave her a pinky promise.

The dark haired girl settled herself back against Dinah's chest and pulled the blankets up. Dinah ran her fingers through Lauren's hair, trying to process this. She hated that things didn't go how she wanted them to, but it was something. Once Lauren was in the place she wanted to be, they could be together. Hopefully.

—

Dear Journal,

I'm such a shitty person. I should have just said yes to Dinah. I feel like she's probably upset with me. I thought I was making the right decision. I did, right? I mean, it's not fair to be with her when I'm not in a good place. Besides that, what if it caused conflict in the group? I'd feel horrible. I feel horrible now though.. She's such an amazing girl, she has such a kind heart. I want her to be happy. She said she would wait for me though. That's a good thing, I think. As long as she doesn't start hating me for telling her that if she wants me she needs to wait. I also hope that this doesn't put a wedge in between us, because I don't think I could handle that.

Have I mentioned that liking Dinah is sort of confusing? I would claim that I'm straight to avoid all of the Camren rumours (that weren't true I might add), but I think I always knew that I had some sort of attraction towards women. I hate that we live in a society where labels on people seem to be so important. I feel like I am obligated to label myself as something because it's the norm to do so, people expect it. However, I'm just Lauren. Not Lauren the straight girl, I'm not Lauren the lesbian. I'm Lauren, the girl who happened to start falling for her band mate.

I'm seeing someone in a couple days to talk about all of this. I want to feel normal again. I want to be back to my old self, before the miscarriage, before I started feeling so low about myself. Is it possible to get back to that point? I hope so.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't super nervous about it. I'm not a big fan of spilling my feelings and private thoughts will people. Writing in here is one thing, vocalizing it all to a person is another. I might bring you with me journal, just in case I need you. It's always good to be prepared.

Normani knows about my feelings for Dinah. I haven't spoken to her about it yet, but I want to. She's one of my best friends. I need to know how she feels about it. I'm sure she won't be upset, she's good like that.

Life's complicated. I just want it to get easier. That might sound lame, but it's true. I don't want to deal with these types of situations. It's stressful.

-xoxo, Lauren

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a/n: I wanted to thank you guys for all of the likes and views on this story. I never thought it would end up with so many, and I'm so happy.

At this point, the final chapter is likely going to be chapter 20, followed by an epilogue. If it changes I'll make it known, but that's the plan for now.

However, there's going to be a sequel to follow! More information on that will come later on :)