Time To Grow

Chapter 10

There was no questioning Lauren's stubbornness. Out of the five of them, she was by far the most stubborn. When she set her mind on something, that's how it was going to be. So when she had told Dinah that they couldn't carry on with what they were doing, she stuck to it.

Days passed, and their interactions were almost like they had been when they first met. Friendly waving, maybe a small hug here and there. They would talk, but not about anything that was even close to personal. It killed Dinah to have to have the space between her and Lauren.

With space, came more time for Lauren to get lost in her thoughts. She was starting to feel sadder than ever. She had spent a day and a half straight in bed, after staying it it for days before that, only going out if she absolutely had to for work related reasons. Nobody bothered her, and she was glad about that. She just wanted to be alone. So many things went through her mind.

She thought about calling Luis. Maybe they could have sex. Maybe she could get pregnant again. She quickly scratched that one off her list. She wasn't about to fuck up his life, and it was too soon to ever consider another pregnancy. She couldn't go through it again until she was more grown up, until she was really ready. She couldn't do it until she was emotionally healed from this. If she ever really healed.

She also thought about how the other girls must be mad that she was staying cooped up. She wasn't really on social media, she wasn't answering any texts, and she wasn't making any face to face conversation.

Dear Journal,

It's dark.

It's suffocating me.

And yet, I don't mind.

I'm fucking miserable. The less I have to do, the more time I have to think. The more I think, the more sad I become. It's funny, a few months ago I would be happily thinking about everything. Thinking about the world, thinking about life, and friends, family. Thinking about music, and the girls. Now I can't even think about those things without feeling sad.

I've felt like this since I was at the hospital. I just didn't notice it as much because I had to focus on the award show. I'm not focused on much right now, and it's bad. Not having anything happening the past few days has been slowly driving me into a state of unhappiness.

I still haven't gone to see anyone about how I'm feeling. I'm sure I probably should, but I don't want to spill my feelings to a stranger. If I was going to open up to anyone it would be my sister, or maybe one of the girls. However, I'm not going to be doing that.

My phone has been buzzing so much with new texts and social media notifications that I had to turn it off. I know I should likely just reply to them, but I don't know if I actually will.

I seem to be doing a lot of back and forth thinking. Should I do something, should I refrain from it? The truth is, I really don't know. I feel so torn.

Fuck it. I'm just going to try and go back to sleep.

-xoxo, Lauren

Lauren couldn't sleep. It was the middle of the day, so she wasn't tired, just feeling drained emotionally. She was laying on her side, facing a wall. She had the lights off, and she had a blanket pulled up to her neck. She breathed slowly, and heard a knock.

"Mom, I said I was fine, I'm just relaxing. Please go.."

She heard the doorknob turn, and heard the door open. The sound of footsteps filled the room, and she groaned softly.

"I thought I said to go.."

"You told Mama J to leave. You didn't say anything about me."

"Dinah, go away."

Dinah shook her head, and proceeded to sit on the edge of the bed. She didn't make any physical contact with her friend, not wanting to push any more than she already was.

"Your mom told me that you were having issues. So I got myself over here. I know you want space, and I know you're hurting Lolo. I don't know the pain but I know it must be hard. You need someone Lauren, and I can't let you be alone. You said that we couldn't keep going with what we were doing and I respect that. I'm here as a friend, a group member. I just want to see that twinkle in your beautiful eyes again."

Lauren felt tears pricking in her eyes, blinking furiously to avoid them falling. It was no use. The tears flowed freely, and she rolled on to her other side so she could see her younger friend. Dinah reached over, and she wiped tears off of her face. The dark haired girl pulled herself closer to Dinah, laying her head in her lap.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see my like this," Lauren whispered shakily.

"No, don't. It's okay. It's okay to cry, Lo. It's healthy."

"Why did it have to happen, Dinah?"

Dinah looked down at Lauren, then she looked over at the window. She ran her hand over the girl's back soothingly, and she shrugged.

"Things happen that really suck. Sometimes we don't get any control of that. It wasn't your time yet to have a baby. It's not your fault."

"But it is my fault. All of it is," Lauren sobbed, barely getting her words out.

Lauren felt good, being able to cry. It was long overdue. She stayed laying on Dinah's lap, and she just let herself cry. Maybe Dinah was right, maybe it was okay to cry. She still disliked that she was letting herself get emotional like this, but Dinah didn't seem to mind as much as Lauren thought she might.

Dinah soon peeled Lauren from her lap, laying her back down on the bed. Dinah got into position next to her, and Lauren curled up against her chest.

"Don't think about it. Just breathe."

"It's hard."

"Lauren, I.. I think you need to talk to someone. I'll even go along if I can if it would make you feel more safe."

Lauren hesitated. She didn't want to see anyone, but Dinah's presence probably would make it feel easier.

"We'll see."