AGS 4: The Best Man's Wedding

Chapter 11: Fallen

I was ten and he was sixteen when I first felt things I wasn't supposed to feel. I had no idea what was wrong with him and me or why we had to part ways at that time.

Bata, e. Emotions were there, it was unpredictable, and all I knew back then was the feeling I had—tama man o mali, ang alam ko lang, nandoon at gusto kong ma-fill ang void sa akin.

Everyone always tells me na sobrang clingy ko. I want to give everything para hindi ako iwan. All these years, I've been trying to fill that gap inside me na never kong mapupunan kasi hindi ko alam kung paano 'yon pupunan.

I kept on looking for that certain feeling, yung magbabalik ng nawala sa akin noon. At mahirap hanapin 'yon sa ibang tao kasi hindi lang utak ko ang naghahanap. Buong sistema ko.

Clark drove me home to my penthouse. We were quiet along the road. He already said that I shouldn't let myself fall for him.

Romantically, I don't think I've already fallen in love with him. I mean, I don't see him as a lover kasi matagal na rin kaming civil sa isa't isa. Hindi niya ipinaramdam sa akin at never ko ring naramdaman na mapupunta kami sa ganoong stage. 

I was seventeen when I saw him again. I was close to being a full-grown woman. All of my Kuya's friends were there, and in the middle of the crowd, the world stopped for us to look at each other after six years.

Yung parang gumagalaw ang mundo pero kami lang ang nakahinto. That moment I knew everything has changed between us.

Hindi na siya ang Kuya Clark na nakilala ko.

Clingy pa rin ako sa kanya. Alam naman niya 'yon. But we still have that certain wall na nagse-separate ng pagiging clingy ko as a person and pagiging clingy ko because I wanted him. Bihira lang din naman kaming magkasama. Hindi naman every day. 

He was my first kiss. He was the first guy who indirectly taught me how to make love without love in it. And I knew to myself that he wasn't the first guy I slept with, yet he was the reason why I wanted it. Not his entire fault, and I didn't want to blame him.

After all, I sneaked into my brother's room without anyone's permission, not even Clark's. I had no right to blame him for something he didn't even do.

Nasa elevator na kami paakyat ng penthouse nang magsalita ako.

"I'm still empty because of it," I admitted. "You ghosted me for a very long time. Ni hindi mo in-explain kung bakit mo kailangang umiwas. You left me hanging."

There was a huge lump in my throat, and I couldn't swallow. I was trying not to cry out of pain. He had no idea that he had just scraped off an old scar with a sharp knife and let it bleed again.

I inhaled deeply and raised my head to prevent my tears from falling.

"Before you said I should avoid falling in love with you, I already did that to myself. I couldn't afford to wake up another morning asking myself, what did I do wrong for you to hurt me like this."

The elevator bell dinged and the door panel slowly opened.

"Sana noong sinabi mong mali ang ginawa ko, sana sinabi mo ring ayaw mo muna akong makita, para hindi na kita hinanap kay Mum. Sana sinabi mo na lang na galit ka para alam kong hindi ka na magpapakita pa ulit." Humakbang na ako palabas ng elevator na sakto sa loob ng unit ko. Nangingilid ang luha ko nang tingnan siya mula roon. "You took me with you when you chose to avoid me . . . and I wanted myself back."

He kept his straight face until the elevator closed.

Sunod-sunod na tumulo ang luha ko at mabilis kong pinunasan. Dumeretso agad ako sa kitchen at kumuha roon ng maliit na bote ng bourbon na naka-reserve sana kapag nahihirapan akong matulog.