The Defiant

Wrong

Dakota

I threw up again, spreading my arms and legs so I wouldn't touch myself.

Tears and snot ran down my face as I heaved.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

It was all wrong.

The door burst open, and my dad walked in. "Danika? Are you okay? Did you- did you cut your hair?"

He sounded less than thrilled about that, but overall he just sounded worried.

I shook my head and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe my face, plastering on a fake smile.

"I'm fine, dad. And yeah- It was uh, hot, so I chopped it."

Another wave of nausea rolled over me, but I pushed it down.

"Danika, please talk to me about this. This isn't normal."

Normal...

No, it's not normal.

But, I had to act like it was fine. I had to be okay. Just a few more months of killing myself slowly, and then I would have to tell him.

I would have to lose him.

I didn't want to lose my dad.

I loved him- he was my dad. He raised me. He took me on hikes and bought me ice cream on Saturdays. At age five, I rode on his lap when he mowed the lawn. When mom died, we only had each other.

"I'm fine, dad," I lied, "really."

He knelt next to me on the floor, pushing my hair out of my face. "My beautiful girl, you aren't fine. You can talk to me."

Girl.

My mind spun as I started vomiting again.

I felt so wrong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"Danika!"

That stupid fucking name.

The name. My voice. My tits. My thighs. My genitals.

It was so wrong.

I rested my head on the toilet seat when I finished spewing. I was so tired. Tired of life.

But I could make it. Just a few more months till I could start hormones. A few more months to spend with my dad.

"Daddy..." I choked out, feeling lightheaded. "I'm... I'm okay. Just need a minute."

He shook his head. "Tell me what's wrong. Are you- are you sick? Do I need to take you to a hospital, princess?"

"Stop!" I yelled at the nickname. Tears began rolling down my cheeks. "Please... don't call me that."

He scanned me- My weak form. "W-why?"

I shook my head. "Just go. I'll be okay."

"Danika, you are my daughter. I'm not going to leave you like this!"

I closed my eyes, and he shook my shoulders.

He wouldn't leave. Not unless I told him he was the problem. And that would only lead to more questions. But it would buy me more time. Just another night with the love of a father.

"Leave," I demanded, turning cold.

"Danika-"

"Leave me alone, dad!"