The Defiant

Just a Little Longer

Roan

It felt like forever. 

Like forever since I had been stuck in here. 

With him. 

"Speak," he would say. No- he would demand. 

But I wouldn't. My voice was the only thing I hadn't given him- the only thing that hadn't been taken- so even if I could, I wouldn't dare.  

My words, my spoken thoughts, were for them.

The thought of them— my boyfriends— was the only thing keeping me strong- Keeping me from spiraling until there was no return. 

I felt so empty.

I had never been defiled like this;  over and over again until I had no pride left. Then, when he was done touching me, the memory of what had happened would hit. It was a constant cycle of the monster taking my body as his own and then, me reliving it in my head. I would have preferred if he beat me to a pulp as my father had. That way, at least I would have a shred of dignity left, but this... this was worse. 

Sticks and stones had broken my bones, but now, intrusive touches broke my mind. 

"Master Roan," Greeted the darkness, dragging me out of my mind. Its usual teasing voice had turned morose the longer we had been stuck here. 

I looked at its eyes as the rest of its figure blended in with the void around me. 

It seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking again, "One more day, and I will be at full capacity."

I turned my head away from it as my eyes began to water, and my breath caught in my throat.  

One more day till I would see them again. Until I could be free from this hell. 

I thought the darkness had gone and I had once again been left alone, but it spoke again. "You are strong, master Roan."

I let the tears fall then. 

I didn't feel strong. 

I felt like I was shattering.

I held my hand to my mouth, stopping the sound of my sobs from escaping. 

I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back to sleeping in Atlas' arms. I wanted to go back to cooking with Dakota and fanboying with Sparrow about how perfect our boyfriends were. I wanted to eat popcorn on the couch with Levi as we watched his boring ocean documentaries. I wanted to play stupid online games with Josiah on the tablet and practice braiding Ezra's hair even though I sucked at it. 

I turned onto my side, curling my knees up to my chest as my body shook. 

I was so alone here. The darkness checked in every once in a while. But every time it came out, it risked running into the general, so most of the time, it was hiding in whatever corner of this place it could find. 

I imagined that Atlas was here, that he was comforting my hurt, and cradling me like he did the first week. I felt phantom arms wrap around me as I deluded myself that he was here. God, how I longed for them. Just one of my loves would do. Just one, so I wouldn't be so fucking alone in here. 

I relaxed as my delusion grew. I imagined myself in our bed back at the dorm. 

Dakota was in front of me, holding my hand as Josiah held him. Ezra and Levi were wrapped in each other behind Atlas and Sparrow clung onto Josiah's shirt from behind him. 

Home. This is what home felt like. 

I smiled, stopping my tears as I fell into the comfortable hallucination. 

I knew, deep down, it was fake. But I didn't have the willpower to make it go away. 

For a few more minutes I reveled in the scene. Then a cold brush of air on my neck whisked it all away. 

"Roan," said a voice that made me want to hurl. "Are you ready to talk?"

I tensed, and he chuckled sadistically. I stared out at the black void with wide eyes. 

It was gone. 

It was all gone. 

My tears returned and spilled over. 

"So stubborn. It's been a few days since you arrived here. Maybe I'll let you go if you tell me where your little friends went."

I let out a short breath of relief; at least he didn't know where they were. At least they were safe. 

"Maybe, if you told me, I could bring one of them to join you~"

I froze, realizing, that he had revealed a big part of his power. 

He has to find us. 

I also froze again at the thought of one of my boyfriends being stuck here with me. Because for one guilty second, I wanted him to bring one of them here. With me. So I wouldn't be alone. 

A rough hand grabbed my shoulder and forced me on my back again. 

"Roan, I'm so frustrated right now. just talk, will you?" he grumbled, moving his clawed hand down my arm. 

I trembled as it moved lower, down my torso. 

There was no point in resisting. He was too strong, and I couldn't stop him. I learned that after the first five times he's touched me. 

My lip trembled as his other hand traveled up to wrap around my neck. "I won't stop until you talk."

I said nothing, choosing silence like I had been doing. 

"What a shame..." He droned, getting up and walking away. 

I waited till he was out of sight to breathe a sigh of relief. 

I lay on the invisible ground of the void once again. Alone. Cold. 

I felt like the void. 

I felt like... the darkness. 

My powers gifted to me by chemical Z became all the more fitting. 

I was not sure how long I was in that dissociative state. 

Static eyes floated above me, and I became aware of my surroundings again. The pain in my lower regions throbbed, and I wished I could go back to the state of nothingness. 

"Master Roan," greeted the darkness. 

I looked at it with dead eyes. 

Another moment of hesitation before it said, "I will be ready in a few hours."

I turned back to look straight ahead. 

I was so close. 

"Just a little longer," said the darkness before vanishing again. 

"Just a little longer," I repeated in my head. "Just a little longer."