I don't want to be loved

Chapter 54: Suicidal Impulse

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"Lali...!"

Lalisa could hear Jennie's sorrowful cries. She paused for a moment, bit her lips and moved on. If she turned around now, she'd lose all the composure she mustered.

When she first became Jennie's companion, everyone looked at her in pity and said that she'd go through many troubles befriending the princess. But she thought otherwise. After arriving in Chrichton, sickness and affliction hit her and she suffered from mild depression, something her uncle and Vincent were unaware of. She hid it well, her sadness. They believed Lalisahad adapted to the Chrichton life thoroughly.

But when she was alone deep in the night, when no one was there, Lalisa often suffered from suicidal impulses, from suicidal thoughts... suffered from the unseen, the unheard, the silent killer... she suffered from pain that became too much to bear, too much to cope, too difficult to deal with. She could not escape it no matter how hard she tried. It followed her around like a black shadow that was slowly eating her on the inside to the point that she did not want to live another day, another night.

There was nothing to satisfy the loss and betrayal she felt from her family - the family with a twisted disease that she spent all her life trying to please. She had tried to become the person they wanted, even gave up her identity while begging for acceptance. But all was futile. In the end, it wasn't enough.

Lalisa bathed in Chrichton's brightness but she herself was burning. And perhaps her conditions would have worsened had Jennie not come along. Her appearance marked a turning point for Lalisa.

"What about you? You're Lalisa? Hmm. That's a pretty name. Why do you look sad?"

The arrogant and stubborn little princess gave her assessment of Rihannan and ordered her to brush her platinum golden hair. If Lalisa refused her orders, she'd start her wailing complaints but it never came to that point. Lalisa had godly skills that made her fall asleep.

The immature princess saw right through her but never bothered to pry. And slowly, her lonely and empty heart gradually felt the love from her newfound friend.

'Jennie, I don't hate you. In fact, I cherish you.'

But she had circumstances she could not escape from. She realized that her fate was tied to Jungkook and that she feared what would become of Vincent should she change his future...

'Goodbye, Jennie... I am sorry...'

All the ships that had threatened Chrichton for the sole purpose that they promise to make do with the state national marriage slowly left the harbor and began their journey to Arundell once Lalisa boarded their ship.

The Crichton natives sighed in relief as they watched the ships drifting silently over the blue sea.

***

"You can use this room."

Inside a ship, Raymond guided Lalisa to her cabin. Lalisa looked around. There were clear signs the cabin had been cared for and properly decorated. Within a day, the room was filled with feminine items. Even the window had a sky-high lace curtain. Lalisa doubted what she saw for a moment. A laced curtain on a warship... even the ship, Ataraxia, she rode to Chrichton wasn't as cute as this.

".....You've put a lot of thought into this room."

Raymond grinned cheekily at her words. "Right? You like it, don't you? If you find it to your liking, please tell the king. Please?"

He asked desperately that Lalisa ended up nodding. With that, Raymond straightened his back and smiled proudly in victory. Then he looked around.

"But where are your servants? I haven't seen them yet."

"There is none."

"Pardon?" Raymond opened his mouth in surprise.

"I did not bring a servant with me," Lalisa repeated.

"But this is a warship... there is no woman to serve you... ahhhh...!" Raymond tore his hair like wildfire.

'Should we turn the ship around? Oh my god... oh my god... he's going to kill me!'

Lalisa looked at Raymond's gibberish tirade. She thought that her not having a servant might prove difficult for him.

"It's alright. I know how to take care of my body. I can do things myself. Don't worry about it," Lalisa consoled him.

"But..."

"I'll call you when I need anything. Thank you."

"Alright," Raymond sighed. "If you need anything else, please do call me. Just pull on this string and I'll immediately come to your call. Then... Miss Lalisa, please rest in peace."

Raymond bowed and closed the door. He turned around with a worried look on his face. He did not bother to hire a maid for he thought the Countess would bring a servant herself. If only he knew... he'd scour every corner of Chrichton's to hire a maid because he's sure that black-haired beast would come crawling in.

"Why didn't I think of hiring a servant?"

But who would have known that a high-ranking noblewoman would not take a maid with her.

"Raymond."

A deep voice immediately froze Basil's heart in fear.

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