You Don't Know

Chapter eight

It was the next morning, but I wasn't ready for it to be a new awful day already. I was up till three or four, because of those words running through my head over and over again. I was so tired, but not only because I didn't sleep much, but because I felt sick. I was still so disgusted and just didn't feel like getting up. Nevertheless, I had to get up, because Mona called, and my phone was still in my purse which I had thrown somewhere after I had stormed to my bed the night before.

"Hello, sweetheart." Mona greeted me, suspecting nothing wrong.

"Hi." I answered, in monotonous voice, fighting the tears.

"Oh... Are you okay?" Mona noticed that something was wrong. And from that pause between the 'oh' and the 'are you okay?' I knew that she knew that I wasn't okay.

"I don't know." I whispered in my phone as I sat down on a chair, head in my hand and elbow on the table.

"Hm... You know, you can talk to me." Her sweet, sweet voice was so calm and understanding, but I wasn't sure if I could trust anymore. I thought I could trust Collin, and well we saw how that turned out. And I knew him longer than Mona. Was I ready to talk to her about it? Maybe I should have rather called Nick. I wished Jack was there to hold me. He always knew what to say. But I was in that situation, because Jack wasn't holding me and giving advice anymore.

In the end I decided that I needed to talk rather sooner than later and what could go wrong. It couldn't get worse than that. So I talked to Mona. "Well... I was with Collin yesterday and... we had a really nice time, but... at the end, he kissed me, and I pulled away. I said I wasn't ready and..." I stopped. The lump in my throat was too big and I had started crying again. It was harder to talk about it than I had thought, but Mona seemed to understand and gave me the time I needed. After a minute or so I went on. "I don't know where it came from, but he said that I... that I was pathetic for not being ready and that I shouldn't pick a... a dead man over him, because he was there helping me with all that... that stuff."

I quietly cried to myself while Mona seemed to be too stunned to speak. After a while she then said something again. "Ena, I'm so, so sorry for you. No one deserves to hear something like that. Because it's not true. You know that, right? It's not true. You take all the time in the world to get over this and no one should force anyone to be with them! That's not right. I really thought Collin was a nice guy, but it looks like we were both wrong." I nodded, but obviously she couldn't hear that. "I wish I could hug you right now! ... Maybe I should come to you."

"No. That's really nice of you, but I'd rather be alone right now. You know?"

I was scared. And I thought I had made progress in the last week with being around people, but that whole thing with Collin, it just straight up threw me back to the beginning. I didn't mean to reject Mona. Because she was really just the sweetest person on earth, but I was scared and freaked out and I just didn't feel like it. So I had to say no. A friend would've been helpful perhaps, but I didn't even feel like having Nick over.

"Yeah. That's alright. I get it... But if you need anything or if you want to talk, or if you change your mind, just call me and I'll be there, okay?"

Again, I nodded, but Mona somehow knew, so she said her goodbyes and hung up.

I put the phone down on the table in front of me and buried my face in my hands. I sat there a while just crying, before I got up and went to the bathroom. The cool water against the skin of my face felt good and I thought I could wash away all the tears, but just shortly after, new followed. As I stood there looking in the mirror watching my pathetic reflection, I decided to change in some fresh clothes and to go on a walk to clear my mind.