You Don't Know

Chapter eleven

My annoying alarm clock took me out of my dreams and back to reality. And once again I had to face my everyday life. That meant listening to lectures that I knew nothing about, because the past few months I never actually paid attention very well, because I was busy with other things, like the death - or maybe-death - of my boyfriend. And I had to work at the café.

But I got through the day anyway, even if it wasn't much fun.

In my break, I got a call from Collin. Something I was afraid of, because I was ghosting him on purpose. But I knew I had to talk to him and explain some things eventually. So I decided to finally pick up.

"Hi, Collin." I simply said. I had no idea how to act normal anymore. I didn't know if Collin knew about the news, if Nick had told him, and if he was angry at me for ghosting him. But most of all, I was afraid that he might notice that I was behaving differently.

"Hey, Ena. I've been trying to call you, but you never picked up. Is everything okay? I mean, Nick told me, but... You can talk to me. You know that, right?" His voice on the other side of the line sounded so soft. It was like he was whispering, but loud and clear. In that moment I regretted that I hadn't called him earlier, that I wasn't with him in that moment, but I just couldn't do it.

Since I knew that Jack might be alive, this between Collin and me felt different. Even after we said that we were just friends, it made things weird. I knew that Collin still had feelings for me, and I couldn't deny that I had felt something for him too. I just wasn't ready for it, and after I knew that Jack could be alive, I was even more not ready for any of that. But how would I explain that to Collin?

"Yeah, no. I..." I sighed before I could speak on. Why was this so hard? I just couldn't explain it. "I'm sorry I didn't pick up..." I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be honest, like we promised, but I didn't even know myself what was going on inside my head or my heart.

Collin seemed to notice that I was struggling, so for a few moments no one spoke a word. There was just silence and the knowledge that something had changed between us. We both felt it, but no one dared to talk about it.

"So... where are you right now?" Collin asked instead, avoiding the talk we should've had.

"I'm at the café, but I'll go home soon." I answered abashed. I hated that he was pretending like there was nothing, but I knew that that was my fault. So I just played along.

"Okay... Can you promise that we'll see each other soon?" Collin asked in a voice without any emotion. To hear him like that scared me. I didn't want him to be like that because of me.

"Sure!" I tried to sound hopeful, encouraging, but I didn't know if I achieved that. Anyway, Collin accepted my answer, and we said our goodbyes. After that call I felt miserable, but while I got back to work, I slowly forgot about it and focused on the costumers.

***

On Wednesday Collin called again. He said that he needed to see me, because he had a surprise for me. On the phone he sounded so euphoric, like a little child. It looked like he had forgotten about our conversation and how awkward things were between us. I, on the other hand, still couldn't get rid of this weird feeling in my guts, but I agreed to meet Collin anyway, and I was even a little bit excited about what the surprise would be, when I saw him smiling, as I walked over to him.

"Hey." Collin stepped a little bit closer towards me, so I could hear him gulp. He smiled and looked like everything was like always, but there was still awkwardness that we both felt.

"Hi... So, what's my surprise?" I asked with a playful tone. I thought like that it would get less awkward, but it just underlined that I didn't know how to act normal around him anymore.