My King, My love

Chapter 30

     I set the food down in front of Cali before grabbing a plate for myself and sitting across from her to eat. She picked at her plate, not really eating as her wide green eyes landed on me. I smiled at her and she smiled back before setting her fork down. I set mine down as well sensing that she needed my undivided attention.

     "Mommy, why aren't you and Daddy together?"

     I took a deep breath before answering. "It's complicated, Dove. Mommy did something to save Daddy and it made him angry at me. We both made a lot of mistakes."

     She looked thoughtful as she spoke again, "He didn't leave because of me?"

     I felt a sharp stab in my chest as I stood from my chair and walked over to crouch beside her. "Of course not, Dove. Daddy didn't know about you, if he did he never would have left. When he left he didn't even know I was pregnant yet."

     Tears filled her wide green eyes, "Is he going to leave again Mommy?"

     I cupped her cheeks wiping away the tears that fell down her cheeks. "He promised me he wouldn't, and I want to believe that."

     Her light green eyes shone with her tears. "But you don't believe him? I just don't want him to go. I want to have a Daddy and a Mommy just like all my friends."

     I felt the sting at the thought she had been missing out on something. I did my best to be everything she needed but it's just not the same. I don't even want to imagine how I might have felt if I had grown up without my Dad. He was my rock. I reached for Cali and pulled her to my chest as tears continued to leak from her eyes. I thought I had been protecting her this whole time, but how much damage had I unintentionally inflicted? Later that night after Cali was asleep I called my Dad.

     "Hey squirt, what's going on."

     "Hey, Daddy."

     "What's wrong Ari?"

     I sighed, "I'm just feeling a little defeated. Xander is back."

     There was a pause on the other end, "Yea, your brother told me."

     I felt tears prick behind my eyes, "I just feel like I've done so many things wrong, Dad. I feel like without meaning to I've hurt Cali by not telling her about her Dad. By not trying hard enough to get him involved because I gave up. I was so broken I didn't even give any thought to the damage I was causing her. I feel like a terrible parent Daddy. Now she is afraid that Xander will leave. Today she told me she just wants to be like her friends who have their Mom and Dad. I did everything I could to make her happy but she still feels like she's missing something, and it's all my fault."

     "Amari, listen to me. You are a fantastic mother. You did your best with what you had. We all make mistakes as parents and I can guarantee this won't be your last one. It's okay for you to feel defeated just don't live there. Accept that mistakes were made and move on from them. You learn more every day and how to avoid those mistakes again. You didn't go into this with the Intention of hurting Cali. You were doing your best to protect her. She will heal from this and so will you. Don't keep beating yourself up about it, it doesn't change anything."

     I sniffled, "I love you Dad."

     "I love you too Honey. I'm always here anytime you need a pep talk, ok?"

     "Ok. I miss you guys so much."

     "We miss you too"

     I hung up the phone and let out a breath brushing the tears from my cheeks. This had been a long and emotional day. I should be tired but I just couldn't seem to quiet my mind. There was a quiet knock on the door and I sighed as I went to see who would be here at this time. As I opened the door it was Xander. He had shaved and I could once again see the boy I fell in love with.