Finding My Heaven

Chapter 34

Isabella's pov

Nothing.

All I felt was nothing.

It was like some little person inside my brain turned the lights off. Not even darkness consumed my mind, it was just nothingness. And it hurts me so bad but at the same time it feels good. It's like a safety blanket that I have covered myself in trying to hide from the outside world. I don't think I even care at this point; I don't care if I live or die. Love or suffer, if I'm happy or sad. I don't even know what I am at this point.

Mafia Princess

Younger sister

Friend

Cousin

Lover

Lonely

Happy

Sad

Confused

Sick

Hopeless

Cancer patient

Nothing?

I don't know any more I'm everything but nothing at the same time, I don't even feel like I'm living the unpredictable storm of my life. It's like I'm chained to a chair and forced to watch these series of unfortunate events that slowly pull my life further apart. I think it finally broke me. Finding out Antonio is in hospital and possibly going to be six feet under broke me.

The boys won't tell me what happened to Antonio, they won't even tell me his condition. So I stopped asking, stopped asking a lot of things. Stopped talking. It's the one thing I can control, the words. My words, they are the only thing i can control. I can inflict pain onto people with them yet every time i say anything it hurts me more, it kills me. Like a dagger slowly cutting through my skin. So, I decided it's better if I just stopped, stopped talking. Aurora has been texting me and calling me every day but I don't have the energy to reply, she even came over to see me but i could even get myself to look at her, it felt like something was forcing me to just stare at my wall with a blank expression and glued my mouth shut. Cristian started my chemo again and that's just made me feel a new level of numbness.

I just can't be bothered to do anything at this point, I'm struggling just to find the energy to brush my teeth every day. The boys have noticed the absence of my little rambles, my chatter that used to fill the halls that were consumed in silence. Dante and Camillo have been trying their hardest to get me to say anything, giving me my favorite food, putting on my favorite movie, talking about girly things, anything to get me to speak but I still stay silent. Camillo noticed my struggle to do anything at all so every morning he wakes me up, leads me to the bathroom, turns the shower onto the perfect heat, grabs a fresh fluffy towel and leaves it resting on the counter besides the shower than leaves the bathroom without a word. He waits patiently for me outside and once I'm showered and dressed. By the time i have finally gotten dressed and brushed my teeth my Camillo has taken Clover out to backyard and is back patiently waiting for me.

I haven't seen much of the others for the past couple of weeks, Cristian doesn't come home till early morning and is gone by 7:30am each morning. He's always at the hospital with Antonio or working there, besides when he comes home to administer my chemo. Rafaell stays in his room most days and glares at me everytime we cross paths. He was always close to Antonio.

Alessandro tries his best not to show that everything in recent events has affected him in any way. By drowning himself in work his emotions are hidden from the judgmental eyes of onlookers. He's still in the house everyday working from his office on the third floor but it feels like he's oceans away. Behind the locked doors of his office, he stays only to come down for sleep. Still every night once I'm just about to fall into the depths of sleep he will kiss my head goodnight and leave the room. He still shows that he cares.

"Hey little one, why don't we go out for some breakfast today? And afterwards if you want we can go and watch a movie?" Camilo asks hopefully waiting for a reply. I just nod my head moving my focus from the living room tv to him. I catch the slightest bit of disappointment that threatens to show in his eyes, but it's soon clouded by a smile.

"We can get chocolate thick shakes but don't tell Cristian, the dude is way too serious about 'healthy diets' like it wouldn't kill him to have a milkshake once in a while!" Camilo laughed, helping me off the couch and towards the front door.

"Wait here i just need to get something!" He says leaving me at the stairs besides the door. Sometimes I just don't know what goes on in his head. I thought he was supposed to be the sane one in the family.

I quietly sit on the stairs watching clover play with some of the guards that are on duty outside. This happens most days when clover is outside, the boys dont mind it as long as they don't get too distracted and will still do their job.

"Come on it's only for a couple of hours then you can go back and lock yourself in that office again after!" Camilo demanded in a strict tone as Alessandro and him slowly descended the stairs. Alessandro had a hard glare radiating towards Camilo that immediately softened as he saw my small figure resting on the stairs.

"Fine." Alessandro replied as Camilo's features lit up. Alessandro helped me up and we all made our way to his car.

~~~~~

"3 large chocolate thick shakes, one bacon sandwich and a stack of pancakes." The server repeats our order to us as she places everything in front of us. Camilo got pancakes and I got the bacon sandwich. Alessandro admitted that he didn't want anything even though the waitress kept telling him to order something. Our guards littered the area, at least 10 are seated in the cafe all dresses in normal clothes and 15 more are scattered randomly outside. You can tell by the little cross shaped tattoo on the side of their necks just under the ear.

Halfway through the breakfast i needed to go to the toilet so i got up but Alessandro immediately got up as well looking confused on where i was going.

"Bells, where are you going?" He questions waiting for a reply but i just nod my head towards the bathroom sign. He quickly signals for 2 female guards to follow me and sits back down.

Two of the female guards followed me towards the bathroom and waited outside my stall. Once I was finished with my business, I started to make my way over to the boys I stopped when I heard them talking about me.

"She's just a kid Alessandro, she can't know." Camilo glared towards Alessandro almost threatening him.

"It's killing her not knowing, she's not talking. Camilo it's a matter of time till she does something stupid or she finds out what happened and might not be us who tell her!" Alessandro said in a strict tone daring Camilo to go against him.

"What it's not like we can just go up to her and say Antonio was sh...shouldn't you have learnt that eavesdropping is rude?" Camilo noticed me standing behind Alessandro mid-sentence and stopped what he was saying to lecture me.

"Isabella, how long have you been standing there?" Alessandro asks as his eyes soften when they meet mine. I just shrug in response and direct my glare towards Camilo.

If they're not going to tell me anything I'm not going to tell them anything.

I guess I will have to find things my own way.