attakai | a. haruchiyo & k. nahoya

31 | don't forget me ever

It isn't supposed to be like  this. Sanzu thought. But why is it like this?

For all the years that passed him by, all he wanted was to become Mikey's right hand, Nari's position in Toman. But Mucho whisked him out of the gang and smuggled him into Tenjiku, spiraling him out of his plans to become Mikey's right hand guy. And from that moment on, Sanzu knew that nothing will ever be the same again.

From ditching Nari to Toman's disbandment to falling into a criminal life, he can no longer walk freely under the sun like a free man. He's now a wanted criminal, a bounty on his head, the majority of the people wanting him to serve behind bars. But he couldn't be like that, he knew he can't end up behind bars with a handcuff around his wrists.

For all he knew, he's keeping eyes and ears on Nari this whole time.

When Nari graduated high school and college, Sanzu was there. Hidden in his spot, he watched her step into the stage and receive her diploma with a victorious smile on her lips. When she was happy, he too is happy. It felt like she was unconsciously sharing her achievement with him. Though Nari was no longer a delinquent, it was now his turn to make the streets and city safe her.

Sanzu's heart broke when he heard Nari say that she got engaged to Smiley. At that moment, Sanzu was reminded of what Mucho told him during New Year's eve of 2005.

"If I were you, I'd let her know. Because you never know when will someone get close to her."

He wished he took her advice rather than letting his ego and pride swallow him whole that time. Now he's out of time and he can't undo the words and actions he's done to her. Besides, it was also him that caused Nari and Smiley to end up together, that's what he liked to believe.

Now he's a second top member of a criminal organization that's feared by many and ruling almost the whole country. The Haitani Brothers ruled majority of Roppongi's clubs and bars, Kokonoi took Ginza under his wing, acquiring most of the high end hotels, malls and casino's in the palm of his hands. Kakucho and Mochi checked and regulated their shady business of importing and exporting drugs and fire arms. Takeomi, his older brother, became the advisor of the head of Bonten and then there's him, ruthlessly killing anyone that stands in their way.

And last but not the least, Hanma, the head of Bonten who ruled over Ikebukuro.

He didn't like Hanma one bit, to be honest. It reminded him of how he kept hitting on Nari during their teenage years and he still held a grudge over him for that. If Sanzu was given the option to alternate the timeline, he'd get Mikey to become the head of Bonten and pick up Nari to be the secretary of the organization and become his cute little wife behind closed doors.

But that'll never happen.

And when the day arrived, Sanzu stealthily slipped out of work and snuck inside a hotel, admiring the wedding decorations in the hall room before his eyes landed on the gleaming bride, walking down the aisle hand in hand with her husband.

He wished that it was him instead. Once more did his heart break upon seeing Nari's bright smile while one arm was linked around Smiley's, the other holding onto her bouquet of sunflowers. Why did he even come here? He could spare himself from the heartbreak if he didn't arrived. Or maybe he wanted to be in every milestone of her life? Whichever it was, as soon as the wedding ended, Sanzu left without a trace.

To cope with losing her, Sanzu resorted to drugs. He snorted every kind of drug made available in Japan, but his favorite one would have to be cocaine. It's a poweful stimulant that makes his mind go blank but feel light, high and euphoric. It's also the only drug that lasts more longer, approximately about thirty minutes, and within that thirty minutes, he'd lay down on the ground with a big smile on his face, slipping into a world where he and Nari are happy.

In that world, he didn't tossed her away. In that world, he's happy with her. In that world, he's with her. They both got married and have children of their own. Although he was bad at most of the household chores, he tried his best to do it right. He cooked rice when he was bad at it but Nari would correct him, he did the laundry without separating the white ones from the colored ones, and Nari even laughed at him when their white colored clothes turned into a variety of colors.

In that world, he laid safe inside her arms. He didn't had to think about murder, drugs nor scraps to Bonten. In that world, he felt accepted. A world where Nari is by his side. 

And when the thirty minutes are up, the imaginative world that Sanzu made for himself slowly vanished. And that's what he hated about the drugs wearing off, because once it wears off, he's back to being himself. And he hated a world without her.

. . . . . . . . . . ♡

"What is this?" A female prostitute asks, holding onto a long peach hair colored wig that Sanzu had tossed to her.

"For tonight, I will be calling you Nari." He instructed her, laying down his gun on top of a table with a knife besides to it. "You don't get to make a sound too. Only I will be loud tonight." He said, stripping out of his coat and vest.

"So if you don't want me to blow your brains out, I'd put on that wig already."

To do the deed with another girl that isn't Nari felt like he was cheating on her. On the night of the wedding, Sanzu couldn't help but wonder if she slept with Smiley that night too. Did they held hands while doing so? Kiss? Gave her a lot of love and care afterwards?

Not only was his heart lost to her, but so did his mind as well. For every time he thrust his hips into the girl, he'd moan nothing but Nari's name past his lips.

And towards the end of it, he'd think he'll feel satisfied, but he wasn't. Because once again, he only pretended that she was her when she isn't.