𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐚¹- hp.

𝐱𝐥𝐢𝐢𝐢. god of destruction, death and sacrifice.

God said:

GOD MADE YOU. GOD DOES NOT CARE IF YOU ARE "GUILTY" OR NOT.

I said:
I CARE IF I AM GUILTY!

I CARE IF I AM GUILTY!. . .

God was silent.

Everything was SILENT.

I lay back down in the snow.

— frank bidart, "the war of vaslav nijinksy",
half-light: collected poems 1965-2016.

꧁—— ❦ ——꧂

It's a bleak February morning the next time that it happens. There's a pink hue on the tip of her nose, a sting against chapped lips, and an ache in her chest. For once, she almost wishes she had listened to Charlie about ripping holes in her stockings when the chill nips at her skin. But this time, however, she thinks she deserves it. She's ( naturally, of course ) skipped school and gotten into an argument with Katalina.

In Katalina's defence, Lavinia can see where she's coming from but she's stubborn. That, she thinks, is perhaps her worst trait. She doesn't want to admit to Katalina that yes, she hasn't been spending nearly as much time with her lately, and yes, perhaps she's replaced her with Thea and Elio ( mostly Elio. it always seems to come back to poor Elio. ) and even Oliver. Despite the odd jokes he makes and the weird stories him and Elio tell, she quite likes their presence. The sense of normalcy that they give her seems to fill some distant hole in her heart ( and, perhaps, deep down it's because they remind her of Matthijs and Christiaan, but that doesn't feel right to say out loud. not anymore. ) and how is she supposed to admit to Katalina that it's because she's jealous? Katalina seems to draw people to her. Like someone could be walking towards death, and once glimpse of the brunette causes them to stall. Just blink a couple times and turn around to her, praise her like some sort of God and fall to their knees for recognition. Which isn't fucking fair. Katalina's treated like a God without doing an ounce of his bidding. She's allowed to wake up and go about her day, held in such high regards without having to prove her worth to Him. Lavinia, though, has done his bidding. She's gone and sought out His sinners, condemned them to Hell and lived through her grief, and guilt, and regret, and she is still not worthy. She is still only half a God. It's not fair. It's never been fair.

Katalina's so loved and sought after because of it that it makes Lavinia sick to her stomach. And jealous. She's so fucking jealous, and Thea doesn't make her feel jealous, just that she's too cool to be seen with Lavinia but does anyway, because she disapproves of societal norms and the cliques their peers have created. Thea makes her feel almost at peace with herself, and Katalina makes her feel at war. But she knows thats her fault. Katalina's been nothing but kind and forgiving, wearing her heart on her sleeve and accepting as Lavinia stomps on it with her thick boots and laughs while she does so. It makes her feel like a horrible person. There's always been some sort of uncertainty between the two since they first met, Lavinia knows that. She has no idea why Katalina's been placed in St. Atarah's ( though, she supposes that goes both ways. but Katalina has theories of her own. ) She has no idea why Katalina's taken such a liking to her, or why she just allows Lavinia to repeatedly treat her like a scrap. Katalina takes, and takes, and takes everything Lavinia has given her with a smile and it drives her insane. Makes her angry with Katalina for being so forgiving, and then jealous for being a far better person than her. Thea doesn't take it, though. She tells Lavinia when she's being too mean and holds her accountable to her behaviours. Perhaps thats why Thea makes her feel at peace. It makes her feel like a real fucking person who's actions have consequences, and not just a half God doomed to do the Lord's bidding. Maybe that's why she's been avoiding the brunette.