Nick & Charlie - A Neverending Story || Heartstopper

Chapter 13: Greene hope

I'm Harry Greene, and I'm literally a dick. I'm not even going to try to deny it, because it's a reality. But not being one would mean losing the category of outstanding boy, and stop being what I am right now.

I really don't know why this urge to pick on people for no reason and find any opportunity to make someone feel miserable and humilliated, but it is a reality.

Deep down I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. You probably think I'm a fucking asshole, I sometimes think so too, but I imagine what it would be like if I stopped doing what I do and I don't know if I want to.

Part of me is satisfied being Truham's abusive macho, and I know I've done a lot of damage, but part of me tells me I should stop. That it's been enough. And I'm trying.

Ever since I found out that Nick Nelson and Charlie Spring were dating, I started questioning some things about me. I know I've been extremely cruel and disgusting to them, especially to Charlie, but what he said to me on Sports Day has made my head spin.

Maybe there's still hope for me, but I feel too cowardly and dirty to try to apologize. Maybe I should talk to Ben about this.

Ben Hope is one of the guys in my group of friends, I think I consider him important to me, he is one of the few people I could dare to trust right now, and if I decide to get intimate with him I hope I won't provoke him the disgust that I cause in other people.

Anyway, that's me, for everyone more unfortunately than luckily.

[...]

I'm Benjamin Hope, and now I know that I'm more of a bastard than ever. Tell me whether to use Charlie Spring, the guy who had just come out in Truham, and get him into a "relationship" where I was just using him as an escape, as the person I took advantage of by sneaking a kiss, is not really about being a real bastard.

At that time I didn't even knew myself. Well, I still don't.

Charlie was innocent, but not stupid. And when he saw me making out with a girl, he tried to cut me off. At that moment he brought out the worst in me, my most disgusting self, and I know that no one can forgive that. Not even Charlie, who is possibly the nicest person I know. That day, Nick Nelson kind of made me see that he was so much better than me, when he literally took me away from him and told me to piss off to the fucking street. I totally deserved it, to be honest.

After that, and after I tried to apologize at the party and Charlie made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me, I talked to him outside the cinema. Back then, I thought I felt sorry for him and saw him as the loser, with no friends, desperate and willing to have a relationship when everyone already knew he was gay. I told him coldly. And I think part of him felt that way, at least when I met him. But now I realize that the one who was desperate and felt sorry for himself was me.

I really suck, and I'm greene, very greene, in many aspects of life. I wish I could know how to find myself, as I think Charlie has ended up doing. Deep down I think I care about him, and losing him has left me with a strange emptiness. But I deserve it, honestly I deserve it.

I envy Nick Nelson who has managed to do what I couldn't, he has drifted away from our group and he seems better than ever. And I think in two ways. With himself and with Charlie. And now they look happy together.

Sometimes it's time to overcome cowardice, and while I know it might be useless, it can't be any worse than it already is. So I think I'm going to try and talk to Charlie. At least try. Maybe that makes me feel a little better about myself, if that's possible.

I really think it's as if my friend Harry Greene and I have been competing to be the biggest idiots in all Truham. And the truth is, I don't know which of the two has won.

Maybe I should talk to him about this. Deep down I think he could understand me, despite his arrogant and cold image he inspires me a little bit of confidence. We can try to sympathize with how disgusting we both are. That is something.

A boy with many doubts and little clarity, that's how I am, neither more nor less.