Too Bad, So Sad.

chapter one: the party.

"Honey, are you ready?" Razz asks half-heartedly–she doesn't care whether I'm up to go to this damn Senior party or not. We're Juniors finally established enough to get an invite to Kel's first party of the year. Razz hooked up with him and managed to sweet talk the boy to let us come to his party while maintaining the idea that this was a one time thing..I didn't believe that. Razz won't take no for an answer, a very major red flag I've chosen to ignore thus far; why? I'm infatuated with her unfortunately and she is as brainless as a boy best friend finding out his girl best friend has liked him for ten years. I'm not even hiding it. She's most likely blatantly ignoring the signs and dousing herself in denial.

Actually, I'm the one in denial. Kinda funny isn't it?

To be transparent I’m not even sure my feelings for Razz are as strong as I push it in my mind because one girl has been confusing my feelings, I haven’t seen her in forever and I know Razz is the safest option but that doesn't hinder the swaying of my heart. I don’t know the girl’s name or who she really is but that doesn’t matter she still managed to enchant me more than Razz ever has. She made me question everything in regards to what I really want and who I want. She helped me feel worthy of attention and care, she was my light in the dark and it felt wrong that Razz wasn’t my light when I liked her. She’s got me hooked but the hold she has on me weakened ever since she told me she had to leave for a while. Razz is back to being my number one. I like her, I know her, she’s the right choice I’m certain about that and yet I miss my mystery girl–she’s not mine and I’m not hers, I never will be, but in my mind she’s my mystery girl and no one else's. I miss her. I will not lie to myself that I don’t but I shouldn't. I have to keep liking Razz. She's always been there for me and I know her well. I like Razz. I do. This party is just another chance to be close to her despite the fact she’ll most likely run into Kel’s arms and abandon me. I can live with that because at the end of the day she comes to me for everything. I'm a pawn in her game but nevertheless I am at least in the game.

I fixed my lip gloss and checked my appearance once more–I’m finally dressed up the way Razz always wanted me to. She better appreciate this.  I sighed, opening the bathroom door to reveal my short lacy black dress Razz had bought me for my fifteenth birthday. Razz smiled brightly, nodding her head in approval.  I didn't question why her eyes seemed to sparkle when she saw me. I assumed it was due to the fact I was participating in the dream she always had; to be someone people desired. She had always told me I was her one true star but I knew it wasn't true. My dear friend is a liar. But I am no different. I have lied more than she has, especially to myself.

I held out my hand to her and she took it gracefully. "Are you ready Honey?" She posed the question–a baiting one she only wanted one response: a simple yes and a smile. I begrudgingly smiled saying "yes Razz." She giggled pulling me down the stairs where we met her Mother. She had a frown on her face when she stared at my attire. "Oh dearie, why are you wearing a nightgown?" She asked, eyebrows furrowed. Razz groaned "I gave her it now, leave her be. We'll be back at midnight." Before her Mother could respond she dragged me towards her red corvette. I pushed down  the butterflies in my stomach as her hand tightened on mine comfortingly. I hadn't needed comfort from her, I only needed her attention to turn from friendly to lovingly. Alas we got into the car and drove off to Kel's house. He’ll be her star tonight. I will never be anyone’s star. At least I can admit that. I took a deep breath, all I need to do is get through this party I remind myself. I’ll be okay or as okay as I can be.

"I'm so excited Honey to see what a real party is like!!" She squealed happily ignoring my scowl. She faced the road not peering at me once. My arms were folded and my eyes trained on the scenery of a lush forest. We were headed towards the woods where Kel's beautiful light blue house stood. Razz had exclaimed how wonderful he was to her when they slept together. I thought that I could do much better but I never dared to vocalize my real thoughts. I only replied with a I'm glad your first time was beyond great. Razz was pleased with such a response and she proceeded to continue her musings. How I hate when she blatantly ignores my reaction to the things she says. It’s okay, that’s just how she is there’s no need to compare her to mystery girl. Razz is beautiful and kind…but my mystery girl is ethereal–stop. Don’t fucking do it. Please don’t do it. Distraction, I need a distraction. Doesn’t matter what I say I just need a distraction from her. "Do you want another night with him, Razz? Aren't I going to be a buzz kill?" I questioned.