Marina One shots :)

Letters to you

A/N
Names aren't mentioned, it has big paragraphs and names aren't mentioned because it's my English assignment xx
It also has a word limit
Im sure you smart cookies can figure out who is who with the names xx
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Exactly two weeks ago was the day that you left me for the last time. I don't forgive you yet, I'm still mad. Every morning when you'd leave me,still half asleep and you said "I will try my best to come home to you I promise" for me that meant you'd be there the next morning to say it again. I always knew there was a risk with your job, I knew it the night we met and I knew it  the night we vowed ourselves to each other until death do us part. I was aware that firefighters were lost all over the world everyday, every shift, but I never ever thought it would be you.

Your funeral was a few days ago,everyone was there even people I didn't recognise, you would've hated it. I hated it. I felt like there were constant eyes burning into the back of my head, like everyone there wanted to make me aware that I was the saddest person there as if I didn't already realise. It didn't feel like I was sad during that moment. During that moment I was feeling everything and nothing all at once. I felt as cold as your icy stare and as soft as your blue eyes all at once.

I sat alone, out of choice, not circumstance. I was there and still am here very selfish with my grief but at least I have good reason and recognise it. I am like this because every time I think about the other people that surrounded you every day, that each helped shape the person that grew everyday to become the one person I am still convinced I cannot live without. I can't help but think how much each and everyone of them chipped away at you, that weakened your pride and strengthened your shame and for that I will never forgive them.

If I am being completely honest with you, you have left me in a complete wreck and though I hope someday to come out of the other side stronger, it is something that I do not envision for my near future. All I want is for you to be on the other side of the door when I come home, to be there when I wake up and when I go to sleep. All I need in this moment is for your strong arms to hold me until I slumber into the fine world of dreams.

Exactly two months ago was the day you left me for the last time. All of those people that say 'it gets easier with time' were one hundred percent lying. There hasn't been a day since you left that I haven't missed, remembered and reminisced everything about you. It still makes me sick to my stomach when someone mentions your name to me, so much so that I almost immediately return home to pull your favourite red jumper over my head. I sit in the middle of what was once our bed in a pool of my own tears, guilt and devastation, intoxicated by the scent of your old perfume.

I've come to realise that my circle of friends was our circle which ultimately was your circle. This means that every time I feel the need to get a drink with a friend after a long day I'm reminded of the fact you're not there, there's an empty chair next to me. Everyone has the look of pity on their face when I enter the room because of course they know every single detail of my wife's gory death that haunts me every minute of every hour of every day.

I often get the sudden urge to move to the other side of the country and start over, or move back to Italy to feel closer to Andrew.A large light in my whole life was swiftly put out when both you, and my only brother were brutally taken from me. I do however daydream often about my two favourite people being together in whatever cruel paradise you are in that allows you both to live freely without me. Despite that, I cannot envision myself having anywhere near the amount of internal strength that it would take to pick up and leave everything behind. I would never push you in the past like that, for you were my everything, my forever and my happy ending.

Exactly two years ago was the day you left me for the last time. This may well be the last time I write to you in this particular journal, though you are a permanent imprint within my mind. My life has progressed and changed since you left but it still weakens me to think it could have been ours and not just mine.In spite of all of those specific thoughts, I no longer itch to submerge myself in your remains every time your name is spoken of. Now I can willingly immerse myself in the favourable memories of times we once spent together.

It is not as if the grief surrounding your loss has been abolished and lost in the times vividly described in the early pages of this 'grief book', though now I find myself able to control and have limitations on my feelings. Maybe if I let all of that go I'd be faced with that same girl, lying on my bedroom floor,naked, being called crazy but in reality I simply could not bring myself to amalgamate any part of my life with anything that was part of ours. You are dead. Nothing I write,say or do will change this but sometimes it helps.

There has not been one person since you.Nobody could even begin to compare to the immense joy that filled me whenever you were present in my life. I honestly do not think there will ever be another love for me, which I guess is upsetting considering I could only be half way through my life but if the only thing you've left me haunted with is the inability to have another love as pure,intimate and perfect as yours then that is okay with me.

A/N

someone tell me is this is any good pls