Tango In The Night Part 1: Big Love

Tell Me Where Your Secret Lies

Hollywood Hills, California
Monday, May 25, 1987
(3:00 am)
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"You spend so much time being told to recognize how much your actions hurt other people...and then you begin to think about how you're only using because of the hurt other people caused you to begin with...and it's usually the same people in both scenarios."

Lindsey had asked about Betty Ford, and Stevie was telling him. He hadn't gotten her alone enough since she'd been back to ask her about it more than surface-level conversation, but now he's asked, and she'd been explaining the details of what it was like to spend thirty days in rehab, talking to one-on-one counselors and people in a group about how she's come to rely so heavily on cocaine. On the floor near the bed, Stevie's two little dogs were dozing happily in the big leopard-printed bed that they shared whenever they were not on the bed with Stevie, and tonight they were sleeping there because for the past few hours, Stevie had been wrapped up completely in Lindsey's arms, all of their limbs entwined, and Lindsey was mindlessly tracing lines along her bare arm sticking out of the covers as he held her close and she told him what he wanted to know.

"People cope with pain in different ways, and it gets out of control sometimes," Lindsey said. "I mean, look at Mick, look at John...neither of them are doing okay in that department."

"We learned in group not to compare levels of personal pain and tragedy because it's not a competition, but I'd like to see either of those two literally lose their best friend." Stevie let out a sigh of almost exasperation as she dug herself further into his embrace and he tightened his hold on her. She didn't need to elaborate; he knew her drug use had just about tripled when Robin had gotten sick, and when she died, it had all begun to spiral out of control.

"Oh, baby..." He held her as tight as he could and rocked her gently, knowing that although it had been over four years since she'd lost Robin, the wound was still as fresh as it had been then, and even more so now that she was not self-medicating and had been made to actually experience her grief. He knew that grief also included gaining and losing a baby in that time, before Kim had taken baby Matthew home to his family in Minnesota to raise after Stevie had come to her senses and asked for a divorce.

"It all comes back, you know...it hits you smack in the face as if it were yesterday...and I got to thinking of all of the plans I'd made for Robin's baby boy - Christmas presents and pictures with Santa, learning to ride a bike, taking him to the beach like my mother used to take me, little birthday parties with Pin The Tail On The Donkey and blue balloons and..." She stopped herself from listing more before she started to cry; she'd cried in front of Lindsey enough for one day, she thought.

In an effort to cheer her up, and because it was suddenly on his mind, Lindsey said, "Hey, speaking of birthdays...it's officially the day before yours now, angel...you've got to tell me how you want to spend it." He kissed her forehead, the nearest part of her to his lips, the way they were lying together.

"You can't promise me that," Stevie said. "In case you've forgotten there's a woman at home waiting for you. You can't just tell her on a random Tuesday night that it's your ex-girlfriend's birthday and you're taking her out...that's not how it works."

"Well it's going to have to," Lindsey argued. "I am not leaving you alone on your birthday, Stevie, so she's going to have to handle it."

"It's the same mistake you made with Carol Ann, Linds." She remembered eight years of sneaking around behind Carol Ann's back whenever they'd stopped yelling at each other long enough to fall into bed together. "You can't just leave women twisting in the wind."

"The mistake I made with Carol Ann was being with Carol Ann," he said, and neither of them could resist a giggle. "Your birthday can't go unnoticed...I can't do that, okay, I just can't." He squeezed her tight against him again. "You tell me what you want to do, sweet girl...and I'm there." He kissed her lips this time, and she couldn't help melting into him for a moment, letting go of the voice in her head that told her he wasn't hers to kiss anymore - or lie in bed with or make love with, for that matter - and just enjoying the sweet sensation of his mouth on hers as he held her.