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Insider reports singer Billie Eilish is, once again, suicidal. Click Here.
"This is bullshit."
As Billie held the phone that displayed the article in her right hand, she lowered her head into her left. After coming home from her meeting a couple of days ago, Billie informed me of what was expected of her. Firstly, she was advised to address the Amber situation with an Instagram post. Secondly, she had to get a move on with making music. It had been a while since she released something, so her team's true feelings about her 'slow progression', as they called it, were revealed in their angry discussion. Lastly, she needed to stay active on all socials. The team informed her that almost all problems were forgotten about every time Billie would post new pictures, so she needed to keep on top of that too.
She admitted that the deal had bummed her out, especially when being told that her team was bothered by her lack of music. When she left the building, eager paparazzi shot pictures of her walking to her car with an upset expression on her face. Their conclusion; depression.
Somewhere in my mind, my drunken conversation with Gemma tried to break through my current thoughts. I couldn't explain it, but something inside of me was telling me that we had discussed a similar topic about Billie, but I wasn't sure what. Was Billie really getting so bad again that even Gemma could see it? How come she could and I couldn't? Her own girlfriend.
"I'm not even suicidal." Billie spoke again, but there was a certain tone in her voice that made me urge her to look at me. I grabbed her hand in my own and peeled it away from her face so she had no choice but to keep her head up. Her eyes dropped to the ground, and it was so obvious that what I had been thinking about was true. Maybe she was getting bad again.
"Are you suicidal?" I asked, and it seemed funny coming out of my mouth. It was such an audacious question, something that should be tip-toed around rather than being asked up front. But I needed to know, and Billie could see I was serious.
"No." She was quick to answer. However, the hastiness made me unsure if her answer was genuine and needed no thought, or if she denied it in fear. She could see the look of unsureness on my face, so she carried on. "I mean, sure, it crossed my mind. But it's just a thought. It won't ever happen."
No words came to me. I couldn't even think logically. My shaking hands made up for my useless tongue, and a lone finger stroked her flushed cheek. The touch drew Billie's eyes up from the ground where they settled on mine; the blue just a little bit cloudy. As if she could see my own sorrow residing in the irises of my eyes, she lifted her hand up and placed a warm palm against my cheek. The other hand abandoned her phone carelessly, throwing it to the side like I was the only thing she cared about right now. I felt guilty. Here Billie was, openly admitting to having suicidal thoughts at times and I was the one being comforted.
