Ayah, a 21 year old who girl who struggles with herself on a daily basis. Though being a practicing muslimah she has found herself stuck in places where she doubts her existence. Ayah is on her own spiritual journey to help her become a better pers...
I wake up to the sound my Alarm for tahjud, I quickly switch it off and take two min open my eyes till I turn the lamp on beside me.
I grab my phone and start ringing Amir, I have made him use to my wake up calls for tahjud and fajr unintentionally. It took three calls till the phone ended on the first ring. I get a text from him saying "Up... going to pray now". I reply with a smile and get up to make wudu.
Sitting on the prayer mat for what felt like hours, I lose myself in thoughts of the loneliness I feel everyday. The bitter reality I live everyday with no one interested about my day or how I am... if my health is okay...If I ate today, I guess this was always a reflection time for me.
I hear a buzz on my phone, I look down seeing that fajr has happened. I pray fajr and make it to my bed and scrolling through instagram which is full of wedding and couples. After couple minutes of scrolling I grab my sleeping mask and set an early morning alarm to get ready for Uni.
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I get up dressing for Uni with a green skirt white shirt and green Cardigan choosing a matching hijab to go along with it. I only wore skirts or abayas to uni never jeans or shirts I was never comfortable with the idea of not being able to cover myself with loose clothing.
I grab my bag and make my way downstairs seeing my mother making breakfast.
"Asalamulikum Mama" I said with a faint smile
"Walikumsallam" She replied with no emotion in her voice. I make my way to my coffee machine grabbing a pod to make my daily cup of coffee.
"What time do you have class?" Mama asked sternly. I looked over at her while pressing the button to brew the coffee.
"11" I sigh at the no response from Mama. She and my father have not spoken to me since the last argument we all had. This has been going on for so long I have gotten use to the idea of being neglected.
I grabbed the cup of coffee and my way to wear shoes and walked out of the garage to enjoy the fall weather till it lasted. I would miss this cold weather once I move back to Pakistan. It wasn't an ideal situation but a place does not make ur life the man you are with does. The humans in that house hold make that life a colourful one.
I sit down on the house steps looking at the street carefully, we still had construction happening in the area but at 10:30 in the morning it was peaceful, the chirping of the birds would be the only sound you would be blessed with at this time of the day.
I hear the garage door shut loudly, I jump to the sound and stand up making my way to the car. "I have told you to not step out of the house alone people stare, desis live all around us girls don't come out alone" Mama said harshly. I nodded not replying knowing if I had replied it would just result with her being mad.
I get in the back seat instead of the passenger seat as mama is not fond of me to sit beside her only my brother is told to sit beside her when she is driving. I grab my tasbee out of my bag and start reading my tasbee of durood shareef till I get to uni.
I look at the time being 10:47 when entering the uni building, I quickly run to one of the buildings at the other side of campus to grab the bus that takes me to the central London campus. I was going to study at the campus but also meet Amir who I missed dearly.
Amir ended work at 5pm and would come one day after work to see me at the library. Sometime he would come happily and some days it would take a lot convincing. I show my Uni ID to the bus driver as I get on and grab the first seat.
Catching my breath I put my head against the window and open my phone hoping a text from Amir. I sigh at the sight of no message, I close the phone suppressing my lips. These years no doubt have ruined our hearts but I had loved him more then anyone else in this world for the Sake of Allah.
Amir was an amazing human, from deen to his characteristics. I was truly blessed to meet him right before the world shut down for COVID. He was something sent from allah for my good deeds. I just didn't know If i was the same for him, if I held a special place in his heart. I like to believe I do as he had left Pakistan exactly a year ago to come see me and he heard and went through a lot which I know no one else would have.
Once I got off the bus I made it to the library where I had booked some study space for myself to study. I was not feeling that well with a slight fever but I was not gonna give up on studying. I had Mondays off which is why I use to come and see him and go back home around 9.
I make myself comfortable studying in an isolated room. I hear my phone buzz, looking over I see Amirs name popup and disappear. This meant he sent me a message and he wanted me to look at it. I open my phone to his text.
"listen I can't come today"- Amir I sigh at another text message that he sends so often I sit and think if I hold any importance.
"Why??? I am already here... I am not feeling well either"
"Why did you come if you are not feeling well, go home" I felt tears coming to my eyes. I didn't want to hear that.
"I am here now Amir... Please..."
"Okay"
I close my phone and look over at the window across the room. I don't know why he does this, I get it we aren't married but he will be going back to Pakistan in two months and I will be alone here another 6 months of long distance... does he not want to spend time till marriage.
I put in my airpods and zone out while making some notes about a reading. Without realizing I see the chair in front of me pulled out. I shot my head up to see Amir looking at me. I gave him a slight smile and take out my airpods.
"Asallmulikum" I greeted him
"Walikumsallam, what are you doing?" He grabs my book and reads it.
"nothing just some notes" I replied and grab the book out of his hands
"So what are you up to?"
"Nothing, you didn't want to come?" I posed it as a question but i guess he ignored it grabbing his phone
"Amir...Amir" I called his name
"hm.. Yeah I had work but thought why not come, Hows auntie and uncle"
"They are fine, just not talking to me as usual"
"Why don't you just give up?" I raised my eyebrows at him and his repeated statement. I honestly think sometimes he just wants me to leave when he says this.
"Are you kidding me after All I did for you" Amir looked at me and gave me a faint smile. Rolling my eyes in return I grab my laptop and open some random document not wanting to give him attention.
