The Hidden Heart

Chapter 11

I woke up to my alarm to fajr, I looked over my shoulder and saw Amirs back turned towards me. I close the alarm instantly removing the blanket off of me. I push the button on the side to turn on the side lamp. 

"Amir......Amir..." I whisper in his ear. 

"Hmm" Amir groaned

"Fajr" I said quietly and got off the bed. 

I had read my fajr by the time Amir had come to pray.

"Can you give me the prayer mat" Amir asked signaling to the prayer mat that was on the stool in front of the dressing table. 

I quietly handed it over to him as I sat down on the prayer mat reading my tasbee. 

Amir finished praying and went back to sleep, I was no longer tired, I had started working on the assignments given from work while sitting on the prayer mat. 

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It was around 9 in the morning and I felt my eyes become heavy but instead of going back to bed I had changed and wore my hijab going into the kitchen where I saw Auntie sipping tea at the kitchen counter. 

"Asalmulikum Auntie" I greeted her with a smile 

Auntie turned her head towards me and gave me a suppressed smile. I walked over to her kissing her hand. 

"Walikumsallam, your up early" Auntie commented, 

"G, I couldn't sleep, but Amir is sleeping" I let her know as I was grabbing a glass of water. 

"I will go back to sleep I was up to send off uncle to work" Auntie was referring to Amirs father off to work. 

I nodded. Auntie left after asking me if I wanted to eat anything. I wasn't hungry but also didn't want to disturb Auntie. I had told her to sleep and I looked around the kitchen too see where the dishes and food was. 

I was thinking maybe I should make breakfast for Auntie and Amir. I went into the dirty kitchen where I found the frying pan and oil. I made two fry eggs and french toast with and warmed milk. 

Once I set the plates and food up I went in Amirs room where I saw Amir on his phone scrolling through Instagram. 

"You don't want to get up?" I asked as I went over to Amir bedside making some room to sit down. Amir moved his leg making a face. 

"Please don't sit there" Amir asked putting his phone down. I got up and stood near Amirs bedside. 

"Breakfast is ready" I said with a smile on my face. Amir smiled back and instantly took off the blanket from his body. 

"I am coming" Amir replied. I nodded leaving the room to see Auntie standing in front of the counter where the food and was set up. 

"Who did this?" Auntie Asked with eyebrows raised as if she was trying to keep her eyes open. 

"I did Auntie, please sit do- where is Amir?" Auntie asked sternly. I smiled back telling her he's coming and just woke up Auntie without saying anything went into Amirs room closing the door behind her. 

I took a seat on the chair, it had been around 10 min till auntie came outside she had a straight face on. 

"Amir is calling you" 

I nodded going into Amirs room, "G AM-" I was cut off with Amir shutting the door loudly behind me and grabbing my arm. 

"Do you care that my mother went to sleep after having an early morning, then you make a ruckus in the kitchen and waste food" Amir said sternly. 

I looked down...I guess I made a mistake trying to please everyone...

"I am-" Amir cut me off

"Can you care about the people in the house, you weren't taught that right" Amir raised his voice

"Amir I was just trying to do something nice, If your mom didn't like that she could have spoke to me about it why do you have to hear one side of the -" Amir cut me off 

"Fuck you ayah yaar f-- you, if you can't stand my family and how I will respect them you can ask for a khula" I felt a tear slip which I wiped away. 

I wish I was strong...I WISH... 

"Amir, I am expressing my feelings to you...communicating you to how I feel to you" 

"I don't see what that will do if you think you can gain sympathy from me, or you can get closer to me sharing your sad feelings or stories that's not gonna change anything in my heart, My parents are my qibla..." 

it took a little bit to process some words and I nodded. Amir shortly left the room and I left to take shower which was just one way to get some alone time for 1 hour. I can't take long showers but this was the only way how I could escape family and everyone to just feel okay. 

I didn't do anything to want to gain sympathy, I never thought that someone could say that sharing hearts feeling wouldn't change them... I didn't intend to that...but its fine to know that at least there's no way into his heart... 

Soon I will be okay I think...Family...that's a word that i desired to be a part of but that isn't for me. I was truly Alone. after what seemed forever I came out of the washroom and sat on the bed...

"Ayah Isn't this what you knew would happen" I whispered to myself. I soothed my arm as I felt tears falling. I hear the door open I knew it was Amir. 

"Great all you do is cry" Amir rolled his eyes I saw from the mirror. 

"I am fine" I replied to him

"You only cry and this doesn't effect me, grow up and learn to be a strong" 

I nodded as I got up from the bed. "I am strong but you tend to break people that are honest with you because of their pure hearts" 

" Whatever you are always against my family, I will then become against you, how do you expect me to listen to what you say if you will make barriers between mine you and your family just want what they say done"

I was silent... Welcome to your life I shook my head slightly, I never imagined married life to be this way, you know girls think how beautiful it be and how a man will treasure his wife and want to be around her for me it the opposite, the man I married doesn't want me to be close to him. If he even spends 2 pounds on me that way to much. 

"You should go outside and help Mama clean the mess you created" I nodded as I was wearing my hijab. 

"Do you have a problem with you..." I turned my head to him.

"What do you mean..what?" I asked him 

"Do you have a problem since childhood or something, let me know and I won't communicate with you like an adult and tell you things you the way you like and would like to hear them, if that's a problem let me know" 

I looked at him confused but had no energy to say anything, let it be...say whatever you want I will be fine like always...alone. I don't think me saying anything matters, let all those who want to assume what they want, what will my saying of anything do, it's all worthless... it hurts someone I guess I will get use to being silent