The Hidden Heart

Chapter4

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"Really, not even Ayah come here and wipe off my tear" I look down.

"Ayahhhhh please na come here" Amir grabs my and pulls me into a hug. This was not gonna be an easy couple months I knew it wouldn't. It would long and painful months leading to the marriage but I know it will happen and Allah will make it easy for both of us Insha'Allah.

"Amir...I love you" I whisper looking into his eyes. 

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It had been 2 weeks since Amir had left. He was busy with family and I hadn't really spoken to him properly and I didn't push it either I would reply to him only if he messaged. 

I don't want to seem too attached...

I had been sitting in my room trying to find a little bit of energy to study. It was around 9pm and I had been home for two hours the first week of the second semester was already to hard. 

"Whatever" I mumble getting up from my desk and make my way to the bed. My neck and shoulders have been aching for a while and I don't know when I will have the time to go and get it checked. 

I stretched in bed before pulling the blanket over my chest and grab my phone, I take a look at Instagram to see a post from Amir. That was something new, he very rarely posted. He was sitting on a rock near the beach looking out I guess the shoreline. I smile and like it and instantly message him. 

"Nice picture on insta love" 

"THX, Busy"  Amir replied almost instantly which excited me till I read the busy part. I left the message on read and put my phone aside closing my eyes with the same hand over my shoulder. 

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I woke up to yelling in the house.

"Ayah has made me insane, I will not go for her wedding shopping let alone want to do anything why are you even considering to make me go to Pakistan for her only, I have kids here too" Mama raised her voice.

I take a deep breath and get off my bed, fixing the pillows and comfortor. "are you okay Ayah?" I whispered to myself. With a faint smile, I nodded fooling myself and walk off to my closet to grab some clothes for my shower.  

The yelling continued but I have learnt to ignore it, I was about to walk into the washroom till I hear my phone buzz. I grab the phone off the side table and see Amirs name popping up. I swipe to pick his call taking a seat on my bed. 

"Asalamulikum" Amir greeted in his low voice.

"Walikumsallam" I reply sighing, playing with the sheets

 "what's going on?" Amir questioned blankly 

"Nothing, you?"

"Nothing much, I will go to Dubai with Papa next week and I was out with friends, we all-" Amir went on for a couple of min and I listend quietly. 

Once he finished there was silence between us, I am glad I am an outlet where many can feel they can share their days and feelings with me, I guess my weakness is that I care too much. 

"So..." Amir  Sighed

"What are you doing?" I asked 

"Nothing laying down, I will sleep in a couple min" He answered as his voice started to fade slightly. He was on his phone probably doing something. A couple more minutes passed by of silence between us which felt like hours to be honest.

"Did you take a look at the internship work?" I put my phone down and open my laptop sending him the document he was referring to. He had asked me to help with a paid internship as I had worked with that company previously. I had created a document and put in point for the next meeting he had present. 

"I sent it to you, you can take a look at it Amir" I told him. 

"Okay, well I am going to sleep"

I didn't reply and put my phone down, it wasn't going to make a difference if I ended the call or if he did

"What your issue, something happen?" Amir was irritated I guess

"No you never care for me" 

"Your always negative" and with that, he ended the call. A tear slipped and this time I let it fall I was tired to argue. 

I wish...whatever

I get in the shower and sit down in the tub crying till I feel I don't have tears left. Life was difficult but its worse when not one person in your life can read you. I am not hard-hearted, simple daily check-ins make me happy but Amir he can't even say I would love to go out with you, or later in life I will get you this once I do well. It is always about him and his life and his career his success. My parents, they are living for themselves and what people think about them I don't know where I stand. I get so frustrated at times with myself. 

Do I have to prove Myself that I am worthy to live, or even be a part of people's life for whatever reason I have felt that there is a need to validate myself and my existence? 

I am a sensitive person but that no means I take a lot to please but I guess my naseeb is to be living for myself and by myself. 

After my shower and a cup of coffee I prayed dhur and started cleaning my room and once that was done I had began to work. 

Days on end went by without a word from Amir and I didn't want to disturb him more like listen again that I am too attached or negative. I was sitting alone at University now and I was more intrigued to be alone, I also started writing journals about my feelings and it became a routine to ask myself how I am and give a fake response like I would to anyone. 

The dates had finally been done and we were going to get married at the end my semester. He didn't seem excited he had no emotions or even anything to say more just complaining about how expensive it will be and why spend all this. Everyone who I spoke to said this is the one time in life you can spend and you can't even try to control it even if you try its just how desi weddings are. Obviously, I kept that to myself I didn't want to hear that my family is that or this when he won't look at himself to see that maybe it is like that. 

Don't get me wrong he is a great person but I feel that I have just forced my presence in his life now rather than him finding happiness in me.