The Hidden Heart

Chapter 5

Previous Chapter:

The dates had finally been done and we were going to get married at the end my semester. He didn't seem excited he had no emotions or even anything to say more just complaining about how expensive it will be and why spend all this. Everyone who I spoke to said this is the one time in life you can spend and you can't even try to control it even if you try its just how desi weddings are. Obviously, I kept that to myself I didn't want to hear that my family is that or this when he won't look at himself to see that maybe it is like that.

Don't get me wrong he is a great person but I feel that I have just forced my presence in his life now rather than him finding happiness in me. 

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I was sitting underneath the tree with a view of the London bridge with a cold breeze hitting my face. I was all packed with warm clothes 

guess what you are full of ego and always have been 

you have never been a bigger person remember that you just make things hard for yourself.

The wedding was almost a week away now and my flight that is tomorrow was something I was dreading due to Amir who had been aggressive since he left to Pakistan. His mother was a good touch to trigger his emotions. 

I looked around and took a final deep breath for the last time I might have of this air, I grab my bag and start walking to the tube. I was fiddling with the promise ring I had on my finger till I reached the tube tapping my oyster card and went down to the tunnel to catch the tube, heading back home.

I choose to not attend my graduation, It wasn't anything important for anyone and I didn't see why I would go either May Allah just make it easy to continue my education ameen. 

FLASHBACK

I take a sip of my tea while my father had called me downstairs, he wanted to talk to me about something. I sat quietly till he started to speak. "Your mother has complained to me about your behavior and you know the home you are going into if you have the same behavior there you will be beaten up and kicked out, no one will care for you not even us" Abu said harshly as I looked down.

He was referring to when I have told mama about sometimes just saying a couple good things about me in front of others because whenever anyone has something to say about me mama cannot say anything good people have things to say not that I care but its for their good. 

"No way will she care, she doesn't even need to study anymore your going back to Pakistan what use is this education we made a mistake sending you to university we didn't know it would result in this" Ami screamed at me.  I felt something punch my heart controlling my tears I look down. It was another session of this name-calling from abu and ami. 

"You can't be good with your siblings or family how will you survive in another home, you have so much attitude and arrogance that you will not be tolerated and remember that man you are dying to marry is never going to be yours, he will always be his parents his families before you can ever even have a place in his hear-" Abu was cut off by Ami as both had now raised their voices quiet high 

"He never will care for you, all men will just treat you like baggage, and with that attitude and personality never expect to be loved or respected by him or anyone in this family, what will you learn no your leaving, we as a family can't even talk to you more then 10-15 min if we do you make it toxic and create an argument" Ami was now coming towards me as I held the cup tightly. 

Abu then told ami to take a seat and continued talking "we are in a weak position because his family knows this girl has made her family agree with her so we can do anything we want and if you suffer Ayah that's your loss because you chose this situation for yourself we can't and won't help you"

FLASHBACK OVER

I wipe my eyes to make sure that the tears building up don't escape getting up to get out of the tube. Walking home slowly I take a breath of the fresh air capturing every small thing coming in my way. 

I reach home to unlock the door, place the pharmacy bag on top of the kitchen counter and leave upstairs taking a quick glance around the house to see no one sitting downstairs. I go up to my room and sit on my bed opening my phone and seeing two missed calls from Amir. I call back but receive no answer I sigh getting up to change into the PJs before cozying up in bed. 

It was tough to get these thoughts to leave my head it hurt me, I don't want to ruin anyone is life. I figured I would be a burden but not this bad of a one. It took me years to build who I am, trust me its not arrogance it is trying to control my emotional and sensitive self of mine cause by many I have been told to stop crying and being emotional and when I bottle it up I guess it comes out as arrogance. 

I have nights on the end where I think that maybe everyone around me would be at peace if I just left everything. Amir be at peace with his family, and my family is at peace that they don't have to cover up things that I have done. It does scare me that maybe I won't be loved and mentally I prepare myself that once I am married It will be beginning to self-sufficiency. I don't have the courage to leave someone but everyone does to leave me and I won't stop anyone but every second I worry. 

I hide the tears from the world, every night I cry like a baby for god's sake because I just don't know if I can ever be that blessing for someone. I hide my depression maybe I do say I have gotten over but inside I know that my anxiety is just making things worse. i pray and pray and pray but what if I deserve all this. I just don't know anything anymore. I have wanted to be someone's everything, someone's happiness, someone's reason behind a smile and laugh, and someones alhumdulliah but everyday I am reminded by my parents that I have created their life a hell.