my time, that's your time | jungkook

Chapter 1 - Taehyung - dinner

Even though his face is covered with makeup, Jungkook knows what lies beneath, and it scares him to picture others finding out.

"You know, you can be comfortable with me," Taehyung says. "You don't need to wear makeup—we're just going out for dinner."

"I know," Jungkook says, but he can't keep the guilt out of his voice. He grabs his jacket and twirls it over his arm, showing his false confidence. He pushes his arms through the sleeves, leading Taehyung out of his luxury condominium.

In his Mercedes Benz, he wants to lose himself in the hum of the engine, the way the lights streamline past. In the dark of evening, he doesn't have to worry that much. But the worry is still an insurmountable beast.

"How is the break treating you?" Taehyung asks. Thankfully, he's leaning against the glass—not looking his way.

It's gotten so much worse. But of course, that's not what he says. He grunts and makes his voice as wispy as possible. "Not bad, hyung. I've mainly been focusing on boxing. How about you?"

Jungkook glances to his right, and Taehyung is staring at him with a knowing look in his eyes, almost like the older boy is trying to dig deeper.

At the restaurant in Hapjeong, Jungkook takes off his bucket hat and plasters on a grin. He fills both his and Taehyung's cup with ice water. His dark clothing lets him hide in the dim lighting, in the bar-like atmosphere with miniature lanterns above the counter and tiny fake candles flickering on the low tables. There's no one else here—they rented the restaurant for tonight.

After they order, Taehyung stands to get them some banchan. Jungkook sips at his water, glancing at the entrance to the kitchen—as if their food will magically come out in seconds. He breathes in and makes his voice light again when Taehyung comes back. "Why did you choose this restaurant?"

Taehyung raises his brow, moving a piece of radish kimchi with his metal chopsticks. "You forgot? We went here when we were trainees. I thought it might bring back good memories."

"Oh." Jungkook feels guilty for forgetting, but a lot in his mind has been taking a backseat in light of the episodes he's been having. "I think I remember."

Taehyung smiles. "I've always known when you were lying. Or when you were hiding something."

Jungkook takes a bite of a few salted peanuts. He knows where Taehyung is getting at—maybe Taehyung invited him here for a reason. Still, he won't say a word. He won't say that he hasn't picked at his skin for seven days, which is the reason he was able to cover up the scars on his face with makeup. Otherwise, he wouldn't have accepted the invitation.

"You can tell me anything," Taehyung says.

Jungkook waits until his dish comes out, a stone pot bibimbap. Taehyung ordered the same thing with beef instead of spicy pork. As Jungkook digs in, the warmth of the food and its familiar flavors are almost enough for him to forget—and to believe that he's just on a normal night out with one of the members. The conversation quickly develops, and Jungkook laughs and enjoys himself, recalling memories that they shared in their old dorm.

When he's almost done with the food, he reaches out and scratches at his jaw. He doesn't realize it until after the fact. He quickly pulls his hand away, scolding himself internally.

He looks up. Taehyung is watching him carefully, also savoring one of his last bites.

Jungkook knows he should say something. In the past, he would never hide something this big from his hyungs. But now that he lives alone, it's almost easier to hide. Easier for a bad habit to turn into something that now feels insurmountable to him.

He swallows his last bite and washes it down with a full cup of water. His stomach feels satisfied, but it also mixes with the disgust of what he wants to do when he's back home. To wipe off all this makeup, to pick at his skin again, even though he knows how bad it is.

Taehyung grins. "You ate just as well as you did back then."

"Thanks," Jungkook says.

Taehyung laughs. He throws a spare peanut into his stone bowl. "Jungkook, we need more nights like this."

"Hyung," he says, wanting all of his struggles to spill out and be free.
"Yeah?"

He looks at Taehyung, and all of his love for him is there. But also, the shame is strong. It courses over him like waves, and he knows he's not at all ready to tell him. He'll get to that point one day. But until then, he'll trust in his makeup and the banter that they usually default to.

He's been brave with many things before. But this feels different. It feels like a beast that needs to be tamed. He probably can't do it alone—but he'll try.

"My treat," Jungkook says, standing with the bill.

Taehyung swipes it from his hands. "My treat."

Jungkook lets out an exasperated sigh. As he walks out of the restaurant with Taehyung, his makeup feels heavy, and his heart is weighed down too. As he drives to Taehyung's place, he hums the songs that he plays—all old ballads that they'd sing in the noraebang.

He waves goodbye to Taehyung. Afterwards, he turns toward the empty passenger's seat and blinks, warding off the tears. He presses both wrists against his eyes and breathes. Sometimes, that's all he can do.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Hope you will stick around and join me on this journey.