294. What now?
I don't feel good, When I feel bad I need hugs. No one to give hugs. I love you. I don't love you, I don't know you but I still need something to hold on to. I finished my notes then lost them. It's okay though. I'm okay. I don't like notes, but I did them and now I can't find them. It's okay, things happen, if this could take me down anything could. Just be happy, fake it till you make it, eh?
295. Oh addictions
Well the good thing is it's not as bad. So, you may ask. What is it this time? Dependence, sucks for me though. Okay so what do I depend on? This part is funny, it's funny because it's sad. Relationships, with guys specifically. Anyway love and all that crap is bad for me because I crave male attention. So love isn't like real love in a way with me. If you can't tell, this is an embarrassing topic for me and though I love documenting my life, there are some things I'd rather not admit. But aye, admitting you have a problem is the first step to improving yourself.
296. Loud world
I can't focus but it's okay. It's okay. I'm listening to music loud now. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Focus on the numbers, count numbers. Name an animal starting with an A. alligator, badger, Cobra, Dragon fly, elephant, frog, gopher, hamster. It's the next day now. I left the class room because I started biting my cheek and it scared me because I didn't wanna hurt myself. I told the teacher (sub) why I needed to go to the counselors office and she said "well, it's not that loud in here." Which made me feel little, like I was overreacting but I know my body and I know my brain and I know I felt so anxious I was scared of myself. So for god's sake, and mine, believe me when I say somethings wrong. And we're back in this god forsaken class. It's okay this time, I half way understand what we're learning and I feel okay.
297. Too young
I was too young when I got bullied, we were all so young. From pre-k to third grade. I faked sick, I cried, I wouldn't eat when people were watching. I became obsessive, emotional, and put up barriers that only my emotions couldn't go through. They did end up seeping through though. "What a bad kid" I thought "why do I mess everything up" "I was only trying to help." Poor kid. I remember thinking every time I tried to help, or do something right I'd mess up. My tiny little butter fingers were trying to pick up and put the pieces together. I didn't understand. "Why are they crying, oh I should help." "Oh wait, I didn't mean to make you cry more!" "I don't understand anymore, if I ever did." Poor confused kid, It's not her fault she didn't understand, right?
298. football
I'm doing football again, this time for high school though. I'm excited, like very. We do way too many ab workouts, I'm so sore where my abs are supposed to be. I want abs, I'd look awesome with abs. I wanna be ripped, swole, shredded, buff, hunky, beefy, jacked. I will be though so don't worry. Oh also apparently if I get hit the wrong way in football I won't be able to have kids. I mean that's probably true but also for guys so why would the coach tell me that if he didn't care about me playing? If you're wondering, I'm still gonna play. Some people are determined in changing my mind, it's died down now though. I think they've realized I really want this. Wrestling was definitely my strong suit, dads trying to get me to go to girls state. I mean don't get me wrong I really do want to go but I love beating up guys, I don't know man I just feel powerful.
299. Lost thoughts
Some things are hard to comprehend, so much so you pretend it doesn't exist. When something is not constantly in my life I forget it exists. When no one is talking or interacting with me I forget I exist. When I see people smile or genuinely laugh I forget what I was thinking and become engulfed in happiness. I like the color orange because it signifies happiness to me. When you fall so quickly you become used to the feeling of hitting the ground. Peace is weird and it verys for everyone. My type of peace may seem stupid to you and your peace is probably questionable to me, so, what is true peace? To me true peace is being able to hear each individual sound as you lay on the warm ground with bees walking on you. I like bees. I like the way their little legs feel when they walk on you. I like the way bees buzz, it's very soothing. Bees are very kind. They seem scary to most, I know this because of how people react to them. afraid they'll sting you, they don't sting me. They sit there and buzz while they walk on me. I could talk about bees for a long time. I just don't have that time.
