418. I hurt myself
I hurt myself again, it didn't help. It doesn't help. I just feel disappointed in myself, I just feel lost, I feel like it was for no reason because it was. I told Ace, I feel like I let him down, like he believed I wouldn't do it until I betrayed him. Ive done alot to earn his trust, I can't lose it like this. Before, I didn't promise him I wouldn't do it because I didn't know. Now, I promised, I promised I wouldn't do it again and now I can't break it. Fuck, now he expects it from me. Now he has a reason not to trust me. Fuck. I can be better. I have to do better.
419. Jealousy?
I'm not sure if what I feel is normal. I know I feel in extremes and stuff but it's really weird. I've been getting really jealous about everything and I feel really bad about it because I feel like I'm being annoying. He doesn't seem to mind as long as I don't jump straight to accusing him of things. I didn't really know how to communicate my feelings so I just kinda said what I felt but I phrased it like it was a fact. Like if I thought he was ignoring me I'd be like "why are you ignoring me and don't want to talk to me" and he didn't appreciate that and I understand why now. So he said "Ask me questions instead of assuming things." So I did. I asked why it took him a long time to respond and he explained it to me.
420. Too close
It's hard for you to get close enough to me for me to tell you things without sugar coating it all. In Fact no one has ever gotten that close. I lie a lot about my feelings to make people trust me, or to make them feel better. I feel okay telling this boy the truth, I mean I haven't completely stopped lying, but I feel like he can handle it, so I tell him the truth. It's hard for me to bring my guard down because I spend so much effort trying to get people to stay, even when I don't really want them to. Sometimes I don't even notice I'm lying about how I feel or when I'm exaggerating it. I tell him the truth on things he asks, I haven't really "lied" about anything to him. I haven't lied about my feelings at all in a while.
421. Twelve days
It's been twelve days since I last hurt myself. I hate myself. I'm such a burden to myself, dying would be a huge relief. I can't burden others with my death. Things get better, they always do, I'm just so tired of things getting worse again. The world gives us terrible tragedies so we don't take the life we have for granted. I love you Ace, I want to have a future with you. It's just hard to imagine a future where I'm not suffering. I feel good things, I know I do. I just feel bad things too. I know you cant always be there, I know I have to cope by myself but its so fucking hard. kEverything is so hard. It's just my mentality, it's just my head, but it feels so real. With the night follows awful thoughts. They eat me alive. They leave me begging for my life, not for myself but for everyone else. I can never tell if I truly want to live. And if I do, who for?
422. Fucking Ace
Ace just dropped out. I know I shouldn't be mad but I'm pissed. It's not my life, I don't have to deal with the choices he makes. I think it's selfish I'm mad, because he's probably better off trying to get his GED than finishing school with the world's lowest gpa. I don't understand this feeling. It's almost, painful? Like when I think about him not being at school with me, all the memories I look forward to not happening again, it hurts. I know it shouldn't affect me but I don't know how to not let it. I feel so much and this sadness,anger, regret, or happiness is all out of selfishness, all out of self pity. I feel all the things that affect me. I don't know if I care for you, if I love you, or if I'm being selfish and letting you make me happy because I can't do it on my own.
423. Don't want me
I don't want anyone to want me, I don't want anyone to need me. Because I don't want to let anyone down when I can't get out of bed. When I get overwhelmed and shut down. I hate it that people like me, I hate it that I'm a main source of happiness for some people, I hate that I keep disappointing myself. I hate that I'll disappoint other people. So I don't respond, and I disappear. If I don't exist I won't let anyone down. But if I die I'll hurt people. Irony, fucking irony.
424. Worse, fuck
I feel like I'm worse, I know I'm not but I never feel "better." I never feel sane. I never feel normal. I keep freaking out. I think I'm scaring people away. I can't tell if I am or if I'm just convincing myself I am. I'm always scared, I'm always scared of myself. Sometimes I wonder what's worse, death or the anxiety, death or the fear, death or the worrying. I can't tell if i'd rather push people away on purpose or do it by accident and not know why they leave. I don't know why I apologize so much. I keep freaking out, I always do, I always have these moments. I don't think it'll ever stop, I dont think I'm fixable. I like how I am I think, if I wasn't so scared of scaring away the people I love I think i'd be okay. I don't know what to do with this overwhelming fear of myself.
425. I almost did it
Last night was the closest I've ever been to killing myself, at least that's how I feel. I freaked out on Ace because he didn't want to be together and decided nothing was worth living for. I've never done that, I've never tried to kill myselfbecause of another person. And it wasn't even because of him, I just got so overwhelmed I lost it. I scared the shit out of Ace, he thought I'd die because of him. I reassured him I had already made the decision and it was just that I had the courage now. I took pain killers. I took a lot. I didn't want to throw them up but I did because even if nothing's real somewhere in a reality Ace would be suffering because of me. I finally had all the courage, but all at the wrong time. So I decided to wait until there was no way for Ace to blame himself. I think I want to live, I should want to live. I know I have fun and I know I'm happy but my mind fogs and it's like none of the happy moments exist. You didn't deserve that Ace, I'm so sorry. I can usually control myself, I usually have reason, I've never brought anyone into it like that before. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I hate that you keep forgiving me because I dont want to be forgiven, it was fucked up and I cant be forgiven.
426. What a great day
I wanna be normal, I wanna have normal feelings. I wanna be able to love someone without them worrying I'll die if something goes wrong. My emotions are getting worse, my splits are getting worse. I don't know who I am, I don't know who she is. I would be perfect if it wasn't for her, if it wasn't for it, if it wasn't for the changes, the switches, the splits. Suspense is mental uncertainty, anxiety, pleasant excitement as to a decision or outcome, the state or character of being undecided or doubtful, indecisiveness. I never knew it was possible to give yourself suspense because you know what's going to happen in your own head, but I don't. I don't know why, I don't know when, I don't know what.
427. My biggest fear
Usually someone's biggest fear is something that would almost never happen to them. Not mine. I'm afraid of my mind, I'm afraid I'll lose control, I'm afraid of myself. The one thing I'm stuck with forever I'm afraid of. I guess that's what I get for not being afraid of spiders and snakes and what not, had to be scared of something. I know I have it better than most, doesn't mean it's not still bad though. I think I mask it all pretty well, I mean as well as I can. At this point my oddities are a part of my persona. My switches are becoming more aggressive, by that I mean instead of fading or it happening slowly it happens in minutes, seconds. I think it scares people, I think I scare myself.
