438. Don't beg
I want to beg you to come back, I want to call you a thousand times, I want to text you all the things I'm feeling but I can't. I can't let you know you affect me like this because no one should have this much control over me.
I feel empty, like nothing can make it better, not even death, not self harm, not drugs, nothing. It's like his memory is fading but I somehow miss him and even if I can't remember why, I'll always miss him. Deep down I know I've felt something similar, I know it's just heartbreak, I know I can't change anything, but everytime the feeling comes back I forget everything and all I feel is that deep emptiness. I think that's the only reason the lows hurt so much, because they blind me.
439. Hyperbole
I get upset a lot and sometimes I feel like my feelings are a hyperbole. Like they are so exaggerated its changed meanings. Liking someone for me is an obsession and losing someone is grieving. The mood swings make feelings more or less intense but they'll still be there. If I like you I'll probably just push you away because I feel like I don't deserve you at a low, but I'll still want you. And if I hate you, at a low I'll be very very mean. I can control my actions though, so it's not like I can blame the mood swings for something I did. When I got really upset I knew I could walk away and I knew what was a bad thing to say, I just didn't care enough to stop it from happening.
440. I sit alone
I've started sitting alone again. I don't like squeezing together just to fit in a seat with my friends, I'd rather be alone. One of the dudes there makes me really angry when he sits beside me and I don't know why. He's aggressive, moves around a lot, and doesn't realize how aggressive, big, and strong he is. His way of joking is repetitive and annoying, I hate it. I sit alone because I can't handle being around other people, it's too much.
441. Wrestler
I was wrestling this kid and he kept slamming me pretty hard so it hurt, but every time he hurt me I'd hop back up, wiggle my legs, and laugh because it hurt like a bitch. Apparently that made him mad. He did an illegal slam on me and kept locking hands so all I had to do was be tough and he'd give me points. We were tied so we went for over time (round four) and when we were wrestling someone on my team said "get him" I was tired. I said "I'm trying" and the bitch I was wrestling said "try harder" so I said "fuck you" then slammed him, got two points, and won. Fuck that ass hole.
442. Are you mad?
If I'm mad at you and you ask me if I'm mad at you I'll tell you the truth. When I'm upset at my mom and she asks if I'm mad at her I'll say yes, she knows I don't mean this in a bad way I'm just not sure how to express my emotions so I'm very truthful. Today at practice I was mad at my teammate because yesterday she got to skip conditioning because her finger was "broken" and today she could do everything. I ignored her the whole day and when we were alone she asked if I was mad at her so I said yes. I know I can be wrong so I try not to keep my opinions to myself and share it with the person it's about, when needed, to better understand the situation. She said I could've just told her I was mad at her instead of acting mad and ignoring her. I understand where she was coming from but I found it unnecessary to come up to her and tell her I was mad at her. I told her if she asked, I would tell her the truth and I did. She wasn't really mean about it and when she was a little rude it was understandable because of how I was acting. I like how I handle things but I know I need to be patient with others while they're learning how I express emotions because it's different from how other people deal with things. I do think I could've just told her I was still upset about yesterday when she tried talking to me though.
443. I don't understand
I feel anxious, I feel bad I think. There's people all around me and I feel like my mind is eating me alive. I feel like there's a bug inside of me eating my brain little by little. There's so many people, I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave but I feel like I'm going to break down at any moment. Maybe I should sleep? I can't eat, I can't eat. I feel weird, I don't understand this. I just wanna be outside and walk. I just need to walk. I'm freaking out. I feel like I'm about to cry or punch someone. I feel like I'm going to explode. PEOPLE KEEP HITTING ME JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Fuck them, fuck the people that are mad at me because I blew up on them. Fuck everyone, fuck you, fuck your friends.
444. Alone again
I think I hate myself again and I don't want to be alone. I don't love anyone, I don't know how to. It's hard to cope, it's hard. Sometimes I feel bad and I can't tell if it's because I'm bored or because I actually feel bad. I have no actual reason to feel bad and because I have no reason it just makes me feel worse because why do I feel bad if nothing is wrong. I can't tell if deep in my mind somewhere I fetishize sadness and bad feelings because I'm used to it. Cope, I need to cope. I'm writing, I'm watching youtube, I'm eating chocolate, I'm coping. What if I'm boring healthy, what if I can never be healthy because my mind finds it boring, what if I screwed myself over because of the way I am.
445. Your clothes
I could delete the pictures because if you came back we would make more. But I just can't get rid of your clothes until I'm sure I don't want you, when I get rid of your clothes I'm getting rid of any chance of us being together again. I can't do it yet. In a week, maybe a month, I'll throw it away. When I can be okay with throwing it away I will be okay with you never coming back.
I threw it away. I threw your clothes away because I'm fine with you never coming back and I like being on my own. I'm glad you left because now I'm better, I'm okay on my own and I don't want to be with anyone.
446. What?
It's New Year's Eve again? I'm so confused, how did it happen so fast? It's New Year's Eve, which means this book is over. I haven't planned, I forgot it would end, i forgot the year ends. I didn't know it would end so soon, I wasn't prepared. It feels wrong. It doesn't feel like it's been a year. I feel like I just started this book. It's been two years since my first book? I don't understand, last year I knew it would happen, I prepared, I thought about it. This year I realized it five hours before the new year.
