409. Ace, pt 2
Im inlove with Ace again, I don't think I ever stopped loving him. I'd drop everything for him, shit man, I did. When I don't see people for a while my mind perceives them as non-existent. Ace was out sick for a week, I had been grieving the loss of him for a while, even before he was out. It was so stressful, I was trying to love him and I couldn't tell if he wanted it or not, so I stopped talking to him because he wouldn't give me any time. I always felt like an option, I loved him but every little thing he did made me sick to my stomach. Every. Little. Thing. When he would take hours to respond, or ignore a question/statement, or reply with minimal effort, like "ight, ye, nah, ig". I couldn't eat the first week he was at school, I felt so anxious, so sad, so fucking angry. So I can't tell now. I can't tell if he's treating me well now or if I was just used to dealing with his shit that the minimal effort he's giving me seems like alot. I'm scared he's gonna shatter my heart, last time he just bruised it. Last time I could get up from it, I don't know if I can do that again.
410. Don't ask
I know better, I know I shouldn't ask the questions I don't want the answers to. I don't even know how to explain how I feel to him, I might not be complicated to him but I am for me. Trying to explain how I feel is like trying to explain how the universe was created. I mean I'm happy he doesn't see me as complicated, but it makes me feel as if i'm just reading too deep into it. It's like someone saying "god made the universe." Well, when you say it like that it seems simple but when you think of the logistics, of the reality of the situation, it's such a dull answer, it's an answer that answers no questions. I panic and I hide and I leave, It's a natural instinct. I wish he knew how hard it was to not run away. I get so sick, I feel like I'm going to puke but I can't, I feel like ripping out my hair, like screaming, like giving up. I know love isn't supposed to feel like this, but my mind is so corrupt this is how love translates itself into my brain. I'm sorry I can't love you like a normal person. I'm sorry I can't feel love like a normal person.
411. Real meaning
I feel like life should be more than just trying not to kill yourself. Sometimes I wonder if suicide is the overall conflict in my life. Like if my life was a book, which it is, would that be the overall conflict. I feel like that's a yes. I mean I have some external conflicts, like with other people and school, but all of it stems from my mental illnesses so therefore my overall conflict/issue would be myself. I'm gonna tell that to my ELA teacher. Yesterday my teacher asked us whats something we overcame, and its not like I can say "Oh I overcame suicide!" and everyone would clap, they'd look at me crazy so I just said anxiety. It's not like I'd actually say all that either, I just find it funny.
412. Assumption
I Automatically assume the worst because he's a boy. I think I've convinced myself males can have no compassion, that they are dogs, that they are disgusting. But i don't know what they really are, they aren't all the same but I think of them like they are. I'm not sure how to open my mind to the fact that they can be good people, and I'm not sure how I convinced myself all males were bad. I always assume he would leave for someone more attractive or more fit or more pretty, or that when he sees a pretty girl, or someone naked on tv that he'd rather be with them. When I think like this my mind automatically puts it in as facts, but it's not. I'm trying to reprogram my brain because the way it is now is destroying me and keeping me out of touch with reality. I get really jealous, it makes this pit in my stomach, it makes me feel like I have to throw up but can't.
413. Brain fog
When I hit a low all of my experiences with happiness seem fake, like I was never really happy. In those moments it seems like my life has been all for nothing and all it is, is suffering. It's hard to remember the happy feelings, the people who I love and who love me back. In those moments happiness seems nonexistent. I tried to remember happy moments but it replayed in my head as a dull moment even though I knew it wasn't. I thought about the boy I wanted to keep seeing, but it just felt like an image. Everything felt like nothing. I felt like I was slowly dying and all I could do was speed it up, but I knew that wasn't true. I knew my mind was lying to me and I knew I loved that boy. It seems selfish, it seems pitiful, pitiful that I can live for a boy but not my own family. Romantic love is easier for me to see and understand when I feel it. I think about that boy all the time and I constantly want to be with him so that must mean something. I knew it meant something. If I wanted him that bad it must have been a good feeling, even if I couldn't remember it.
414. Dear someone
I don't feel good. I feel like if I miss one day of meds I'll go crazy. I don't want to depend on meds but when I was off it I felt worse, what the fuck do I do. When I miss one day of morning meds I feel like shit, I feel like ripping my skin off, I feel like jumping off a cliff to stop my mind and stop the feelings. I feel like I'll always be crazy, I'll always be different, I'll always be fucked up and I fucking hate it. I feel like a burden, mostly to myself but to others too. Not the people at school that I talk to but my actual friends, i ones that know everything that's wrong with me.
415. Mixed messages
I'm not very good at reading real life situations. I usually do what makes people laugh, or do what I've seen other people do. It's weird because it's not always the same, like I'll do something I think is completely fine and then I'll get negative reactions. I don't understand how one input can get different outputs depending on the time, weather, person, year, or environment, it's all so weird. I mean I get that we're not robots and therefore don't have a set reaction but how am I supposed to fit in when I can't even read the room right? I'm constantly confusing myself and others just because I don't understand how to effectively communicate.
416. I don't get it
I'm having trouble understanding myself. Living in general has always been hard for me (and for everyone else I assume) but the hardest part is understanding myself. If I could understand myself and what's "normal" I think I'd be okay. If I knew right from wrong maybe I wouldn't freak out so much. I get scared and freak out then I think my freak out is annoying, then I think me thinking my freak out is annoying is even more annoying and it just keeps going. It's kinda embarrassing to admit to someone that I don't know right from wrong, I mean I should but I don't, and it's not with everything. Like I know murder is wrong, but I cant tell when what i'm saying is crossing a line. I don't know how I'm supposed to act, I don't know how to not freak out.
417. Not weak minded
I've been fighting against my mind for the past month. I've always been fighting it but never this hard. The first week is always the hardest, I'm getting better and I can't turn back now. Dude I get so jealous it's crazy, I mean I can't tell if i'm overreacting or if somethings wrong and I can feel it. I didn't think he'd leave me or anything but everything felt off. I don't really ever grab him because he doesn't like it in public but she was grabbing his wrist. Why'd he let her do that? Is it normal, am I overreacting? Would he have let me grab his wrist or would he have gotten mad at me. Is she better? Does he like her more? Why was he just standing there, he always walks straight to his class and doesn't look at me. What if he's lying? Why was he there? Was he waiting for her? With her?
I asked him, I asked him all my questions and he gave me all the answers I needed. He was unfazed. He has so much patience for me. He listens to my worries and answers my questions. I don't accuse him, I just ask questions to better understand. And he doesn't argue or get mad at me for asking questions, he just answers them.
