323. I deserve an apology
He just left, he just disappeared. I never got a proper goodbye. I never get a proper goodbye. I can't do this anymore, loving without reason. Falling in love fast just because I feel lonely. "Until you get comfortable with being alone you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of loneliness or love" how do I get comfortable with being alone? Everytime I try I give up and look for someone. How do I go without someone, I don't know how. I just, how could you lie to me. How could you do this, why ME. He just fell apart in my hands, he crumbled so fast I couldn't understand what was happening. I thought it was a prank, I thought it was a miss call, I thought it was a dream, a nightmare. I didn't understand. Shit, I still don't. My life better be worth it lmao. Two books published and a million dollars worth of animals. Oh, I want a farm.
324. Shit storm
Everything went downhill with the boy. I really liked him too, turns out we will need a trigger warning. I've been trying not to cuss but in all honesty those are the only words I can use to describe this. I can't sugar coat it. I thought he was fine, I thought he was stable and okay. I got my phone back for a day and messaged him and he was not the same. He was hurting and lost. He was just like dum dum and that fucking sucks. He drank, he lied, he was suicidal, he punched stuff. WHY THE HELL AM I ATTRACTING THEM. He seems so fine, so okay, so perfect, then in one night it all fell apart. He said the girl that held his hand for a minute kissed him on the cheek too, he never told me that. He said he didn't pull away, he said he hurt himself. He said he was gonna end it all, he had a note ready and everything when I called. He showed me the knife he was gonna do it with, he said he deserved suffering. I don't know why this happens to me, I didn't want a round two. I can't be with him, ever. I can't be with anyone right now. Three nasty break ups and I have not relapsed, I'm not risking my mental health for someone who doesn't want help. I've done it so many times, so many. I felt like it was my fault, he was fine until me, right? But no, deep down I know no one can't fall like that, not that quickly and not that hard for just me to be the reason. He had to have been hiding it, it wasn't me. If mom didn't catch me, if that never happened it would have been worse, me finding out he was unstable would have broken me. I used to be mad at god for taking dum dum away, but now I see why. I see why everything happened now too. I went to the church after I got my phone taken away and I told the almighty god, the creator of the universe, the birth mother of life, that I was okay if me and the boy didn't work out. I told it I would understand if the boy wasn't right for me but if it was okay if I could stay with him. The answer was, he's unstable, he lied to you, but you have a choice to run back to him like you did with dum dum. He gave me a warning, just like with dum dum, and from there it was my choice. I believe in god, I believe in these little things that could change everything. This time I took my warning, it's not my fault he's not okay, it's not my responsibility. I called the suicide help line and gave them all the information on him that I could. I did my part, now I have to disconnect myself from him as hard as it will be.
345. What a day
My friend and I were heading to class (gym). Our other friend who does not have gym with us decided sense they walked with us they'd stay. It was their first time skipping so they were VERY nervous. I haven't skipped before because it's just too much trouble but I was down to help them. So you know how I have good bad luck? Like bad/chaotic things happen to me or around me but it always has a good outcome. So we had a fire drill today that none of us kids knew about, of course this is gonna make it harder to leave undetected so they chilled at the side of the building. I went back for him when we were let go and the teachers left, his girlfriend just left him. Seemed kinda mean but oh well. She said he'd be fine. I said "ZANE" and he ran over to me, he was scared shitless. Oh also zane is trans he is a dude, just in case the fact he was with us and like in the locker room seemed weird, oh and the fact I used an actual name. I made up a story for his mom about how he was stuck in the bathroom for twenty minutes pooping and decided to just stick it out. Oh right, after that I hopped in their van and they dropped me off at the front of the school and I told him to kick me out cause it would be funny and he did. Maybe A lil bit too hard because I face planted and scratched my elbow. I was okay though. Some girls saw me get thrown out and just looked at me shocked so I got up, dusted myself off, and walked to the library. Everyone was hella confused. Then I did it again the next day, 10/10 totally worth it.
